Hipster Priest Consecrates Fresh Batch Of Seasonal Pumpkin Spice Eucharist

September 19, 2016 by  
Filed under Parish Life

Just in time for the start of Fall, local hipster priest Fr. Kale Adams announced this morning that he has consecrated his first batch of Pumpkin Spice Eucharist. Although the seasonal pumpkin flavor of Jesus’ body has been condemned by the Vatican, Fr. Adams has told his parishioners that they’re not sheep, but rather, “free souls that can’t be contained by the man or the Vatican.” “Pumpkin Spice Eucharist allows me to express myself and my... Read More

Benedict Admits To Catfishing Faithful With “Pope Francis” Persona

September 15, 2016 by  
Filed under Parish Life

Social media users are very much used to dealing with phony accounts, and Catholics in the world of Facebook and Twitter are no exception to the rule. Pope Benedict “broke the internet” this week after admitting to using the Twitter handle “ThisCatholicPope” in order to carry on the persona of a 79-year-old pope named “Francis.” “The fact that a pope started a Twitter account just so he could retire and still... Read More

New Book About The Firsthand Accounts Of Medjugorje Visions Just 300 Blank Pages

September 13, 2016 by  
Filed under Parish Life

Medjhead Press today released their much anticipated tell-all book, How do I Live With Myself, You Ask? by visionary Mirjana Soldo about her experience pretending to see things, and then crying about the things she pretended to see for 35 years. “Second only to the Third Secret of Fatima, the secret to how a few poor people from Bosnia and Herzegovina can make a healthy living off kneeling down a few minutes a day in front of pilgrims and pretending... Read More

San Diego Bishop To Have Diocese Sprayed In Effort To Fight The Spread Of Orthodoxy

September 8, 2016 by  
Filed under Libs & Trads

In an effort to combat what is being called a “fast-moving and highly contagious disease,” officials at the Diocese of San Diego announced today that they will begin spraying for orthodoxy this month. Diocesan spiritual health officials will spray parts of San Diego after several individuals tested positive for orthodoxy last month. One San Diego resident recently returned from a one week retreat at a Benedictine monastery where orthodoxy is known... Read More

No One At Mass Sure Whether They At Catholic Or Protestant Service

September 7, 2016 by  
Filed under Libs & Trads

Despite efforts to figure whether they were in a Catholic or Protestant service, local parishioners were left baffled after an “animated” man wearing vestments put on a head mic and began pacing back and forth as he delivered his sermon. “The man looked like a priest and I was quite certain I was in a Catholic Church,” said longtime parishioner Joyce Parlin who had no clue as to what the hell was going on. “But he kept pacing back and forth,... Read More