Pastor Announces Winner Of Third Annual Most Irrelevant Parishioner Award

September 7, 2018 by  
Filed under Parish Life

  Samuel Cummings last night was awarded this year’s Most Irrelevant Parishioner of the Year Award at St. Mary Magdalene Parish. Cummings, who had been nominated for the award for three consecutive years was finally given the prestigious award for his work in Gum Chewing And Overall Spiritual Apathy. Runner up, Tobias Garner, told EOTT that he was proud of Cummings, saying that he truly deserved the award for his work in Not Paying Attention... Read More

Francis Writes Emotional Letter To Nike Executives Thanking Them For Taking Spotlight Off Him

September 6, 2018 by  
Filed under Politics

  Pope Francis has reportedly sent an emotional letter to executives and the marketing team at Nike, thanking them with all his heart for “taking the heat off” him. According to a source close to the Holy Father, the letter, written in pencil and said to be smeared with what looks like the Pontiffs tears, repeatedly thanks the Nike team for “helping a brother out.” My Dearest Nike Team, the letter begins. Words cannot express the gratitude... Read More

Vacationing Catholic Family Excited To See What Liturgical Abuses Practiced In Visiting Parish

September 5, 2018 by  
Filed under Libs & Trads

  Returning to his hometown with his family for the first time in over five years, Catholic family man Alex Trumble voiced his desire Saturday afternoon to trying out a new parish where he and his family could “get a taste of the local liturgical abuses practiced this side of the country.” “We’ve been to Folk Masses and Clown Masses back home, but I hear they have an interesting Buddhist themed Mass over here,” Trumble said of the rumors... Read More

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