Theaters Across America To Hold Vigil Showings Of “Avengers: Endgame” For Faithful Who Cannot Attend Holy Day Showings On Friday

April 25, 2019 by  
Filed under Parish Life

In anticipation of large crowds for Marvel’s Avengers: Endgame, theater managers from across the country have announced that they will be holding vigil showings for the faithful who cannot attend holy day showings. “We are very excited about all the zeal and enthusiasm that we have seen for this movie,” said 16-year-old Regal Cinema manager Craig Livingston. “So, to help accommodate those who cannot make it to holy day... Read More

Easter Worshiper Converts To Christianity

April 24, 2019 by  
Filed under Parish Life

In a surprise announcement to friends and family, local Easter Worshiper Ed Jenkins revealed Wednesday that he has decided to convert to Christianity. The stunning announcement has reportedly shaken the faith of many of Jenkins’ fellow Easter Worshipers, some of whom claimed that Jenkins himself was the individual that first led them “to the faith.” “He was a pillar of our community,” said 34-year-old Grace Decker. “I’ve only... Read More

New Cirque Du Soleil Show Just A Novus Ordo Mass

April 22, 2019 by  
Filed under Libs & Trads

Staring in awe as she stared out onto the stage, Las Vegas visitor Allison Garrity was moved to tears Saturday evening after seeing whimsical, beautiful, yet somehow haunting performance of Cirque Du Soleil’s newest show, La Messe. My husband and I couldn’t take our eyes off the stage,” Garrity told EOTT, adding that the La Messe show stood out in how closely it resembled the Novis Ordo they attended at home. “They writers of the show nailed everything.... Read More

Millions Around The World Shocked To Learn They’ve Been Mourning The Destruction Of A Catholic Cathedral

April 17, 2019 by  
Filed under Parish Life

Telling news reporters that they were in “utter disbelief” that they’ve been mourning the destruction of what they mistakenly believed was nothing more than a “museum of sorts,” people from around the world announced today that they were devastated to learn that Notre Dame is actually a Catholic cathedral. “The Catholic Church stands for everything that is wrong with religion,” said witness Darin Gruber, saying that he would have been rejoicing,... Read More

Local Catholic Scrambling Like Hell To Find A Notre Dame Social Media Filter To Make Everything All Better

April 15, 2019 by  
Filed under Parish Life

Expressing anxiety at not being able to find the perfect Notre Dame Instagram filter to make himself feel better after learning of the fires, local Catholic Denis Moore told friends and family Monday that he may have to cancel plans until one was found. “Today’s been really rough on Denis,” said Moore’s wife, Donna. “It’s our anniversary and he had to cancel. He called in sick from work and hasn’t eaten a bite of food since the news... Read More