Captain America, Iron Man Split Over Vigano Letter

August 30, 2018 by  
Filed under Vatican

  Iron man and Captain America have been seen fighting inside St. Peter’s Square this morning after witnesses say that the superheroes  had had a public falling out over the recent letter from Archbishop Viganó . “This is brother against brother” said the Captain, who is in full support of Pope Francis told EOTT this afternoon as he dodged a volley of beams. “Vigano’s allegations should not be given the time of day. Innocent until... Read More

Blase Cupich Denies Allegations He Is Sane

August 29, 2018 by  
Filed under Vatican

Image: Goat_Girl   Cardinal Blase Cupich responded to an anonymous letter earlier today accusing him of being sane. “To say that I am sane is insane,” the American cardinal said. “Yes, I admit it. What sane person would say that protecting the environment is a more important issue than the allegations levelled at the Pope? Seriously, what else would I have had to say to convince you that I’m a complete crackpot? Would I have needed to say that... Read More

Francis Practicing Emeritus Signature

August 27, 2018 by  
Filed under Vatican

  Mere days after former Vatican ambassador to the US, Archbishop Carlo Maria Viganò, alleged that the Pope was aware of sexual misconduct allegations against Cardinal Theodore McCarrick, Francis is said to have been spending a large part of his day quietly trying out different new emeritus signatures in preparations for his upcoming retirement. “I hear you get a gold-plated watch,” Pope Francis whispered into the ear of one reporter in an attempt... Read More

Pope Francis Declares Death Unacceptable In All Cases

August 3, 2018 by  
Filed under Vatican

Pope Francis decreed yesterday that death is “inadmissible” under all circumstances and that the Catholic Church should attempt to abolish it. The change has been hailed by anti-death activists and rejected by Francis critics, who said he had no right to change the consequences of original sin. A spokesman for the Vatican told EOTT early this morning that Francis had amended the Catechism of the Catholic Church to say that death can never... Read More

Pope Francis Tells Total Prick: “God Loves You, But The Rest Of Us Think You’re An Ass”

May 21, 2018 by  
Filed under Vatican

  A prick, who has been a complete and utter bastard to friends and strangers alike, said Pope Francis recently told him that he being an ass “doesn’t matter” and that “God made you like this.” Pablo Santiago Iglesias, who met with the pope last month, told EOTT about the conversation early this morning in an exclusive interview. “Pablo, that you are a total ass doesn’t matter,” Iglesias said Francis told him. “God... Read More

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