Vatican Announces New Three-Strikes Excommunication Policy

November 29, 2018 by  
Filed under Vatican

  The Vatican has announced today that beginning next year, a new three-strikes excommunication policy will take effect. The new three-strike policy would automatically excommunicate anyone found guilty of having committed three mortal sins. “We are mandating this new policy because we have found that too many Catholics are either committing the same sins over and over again because they know they can simply come to confession right after, or because... Read More

Pope Francis Meets With Carrot Top

October 19, 2018 by  
Filed under Vatican

Image: Timothy Evans   American stand-up comedian Scott Thompson, better known as Carrot Top, met with Pope Francis at the Vatican after his Wednesday general audience this week. Top, who rose to fame as a corky prop-comic before moving on to appear in such films as So I Married An Axe Murderer and Sharknado: The 4th Awakens, was pictured happily shaking hands with the pontiff. Speaking with media on Thursday, Vatican representative Bishop Reginald... Read More

Pope, Bishops Decide It’s Finally Time To Do Something About Sexual Abuse Crisis After YouTube Goes Offline

October 16, 2018 by  
Filed under Vatican

  Pope Francis and bishops from around the globe unanimously decided to actually try to do something about the sexual abuse crisis after YouTube went offline yesterday. “Now that we cannot simply sit around calling synods so that we look like we’re doing something while, in all actuality, we’re just watching videos of cats chasing lasers on YouTube, we, the Princes of the Church, in union with the successor of St. Peter, have decided that we... Read More

Vatican Approves Construction of World’s Largest Bus To Throw Chinese Catholics Under

October 10, 2018 by  
Filed under Vatican

  The Vatican said this past weekend that it had reached an agreement with China on the process of constructing the “largest, most biggest ever” bus to throw Chinese Catholics under. The deal paves the way for bishops and laity who have been faithful to the Rome to be “royally screwed for their loyalty,” while rewarding bishops created without papal approval. “For Pope Francis, the construction of the mega bus has been one of his most ambitious... Read More

Pope Francis Leads Summit On How To Pretend The Church Is Doing Something About The Abuse Scandal

September 14, 2018 by  
Filed under Vatican

  Pope Francis has called the presidents from bishops conferences around the world for a February summit to discuss how to better look like they are doing something about preventing clergy sex abuse. The summit of the presidents signals a realization that the laity do not believe that those in the highest levels of the Church are doing anything to combat clergy sex abuse. “We are faced with a grave situation in the Church today,” Pope Francis... Read More

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