Pope Francis Declares Death Unacceptable In All Cases

August 3, 2018 by  
Filed under Vatican

Pope Francis decreed yesterday that death is “inadmissible” under all circumstances and that the Catholic Church should attempt to abolish it. The change has been hailed by anti-death activists and rejected by Francis critics, who said he had no right to change the consequences of original sin. A spokesman for the Vatican told EOTT early this morning that Francis had amended the Catechism of the Catholic Church to say that death can never... Read More

Pope Francis Tells Total Prick: “God Loves You, But The Rest Of Us Think You’re An Ass”

May 21, 2018 by  
Filed under Vatican

  A prick, who has been a complete and utter bastard to friends and strangers alike, said Pope Francis recently told him that he being an ass “doesn’t matter” and that “God made you like this.” Pablo Santiago Iglesias, who met with the pope last month, told EOTT about the conversation early this morning in an exclusive interview. “Pablo, that you are a total ass doesn’t matter,” Iglesias said Francis told him. “God... Read More

Report: New Evidence Shows Lazarus Fell Off Donkey, Died Just Hours After Being Brought Back To Life

May 11, 2018 by  
Filed under Vatican

  A bible found in Turkey earlier this month has stunned the Christian world after researchers say that the work’s author documents that just a few hours after Lazarus was raised from the grave, he fell off his donkey and died a short time later. What is being called The Gospel of Craig (after its author and former friend of Lazarus) claims that Lazarus “did not live many more hours after, but rather, fell to the earth from off his ass and thus... Read More

Pontifical Swiss Guard To Remove “Pontifical” From Name

May 3, 2018 by  
Filed under Vatican

Image:gnuckx   In an effort to become more inclusive, The Pontifical Swiss Guard announced this morning that it would begin defending leaders of other faiths for the first time in its long history. Beginning next month, the Pontifical Swiss Guard will be known as the Interreligious Swiss Guard. “Interreligious Swiss Guard perfectly represents the new, inclusive program to help protect Protestant pastors, rabbis, and other religious leaders, including... Read More

Pope Sees Own Shadow; Predicts Six More Decades Of Francis Papacy

February 5, 2018 by  
Filed under Vatican

  The world’s most famous pope foresees no early end to his papacy. The Pope’s handlers announced Friday that Pope Francis had seen his own shadow earlier that day. Legend has it that if the furry Pope casts a shadow on the feast of St. Agatha, the people of the world are to expect no less that six more decades of the Francis papacy, or at least Francis-like papacy. “It’s really a cool thing to see,” said Alice Moya, just one of the hundreds... Read More

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