Francis Condemns Magnum Principium, Begins Saying Latin Mass After Hitting Head During Popemobile Accident

September 12, 2017 by  
Filed under Vatican

Image:Zebra48bo   Days after the Pontiff sustained injuries after hitting his head in a popemobile accident in Colombia, Pope Francis has now condemned his own motu proprio, Magnum Principium, allowing bishops’ conferences control over the translation of liturgical texts. Pope Francis had originally published the motu proprio, which shifted control over liturgical texts from Apostolic See to diocesan bishop, before hitting his head against a bar... Read More

Head Of Vatican Secret Archives Enjoys Muttering Cryptic Half-Sentences Just To Mess With People’s Heads

May 4, 2017 by  
Filed under Vatican

  Head of Vatican Secret Archives Monsignor Luigi Alfresco admitted to close friends today that he often passes the time during private archive tours muttering cryptic things to himself to mess with people’s heads. “I’ve been giving these private tours for new cardinals for 43 years,” Alfresco told EOTT. “I can do them in my sleep, so now, just to keep myself from falling asleep during a tour, I’ll begin muttering... Read More

Vatican Invites Hugh Hefner To Join Commission To Study Priestly Celibacy

April 27, 2017 by  
Filed under Vatican

Ricardo André Frantz   Just days after the U.N. Elected Saudi Arabia to its Women’s Rights Commission, the Vatican announced this week that Pope Francis has elected Hugh Hefner to its Commission to Study Priestly Celibacy. “Electing Hugh Hefner to study whether or not members of the clergy should be able to get married is outrageous,” said Dunkan Weber, executive director of Vatican Watch. “It’s insane and morally reprehensible.” But others... Read More

Swiss Guard Wondering Where The Hell All The Action Is

April 26, 2017 by  
Filed under Vatican

Image:gnuckx   New member of the Swiss Guard Leon Habsburg has reportedly made a formal complaint to Commander of the Pontifical Swiss Guard Christoph Graf this morning requesting more action. “I grew up playing Call of Duty,” Habsburg told EOTT near the entrance to the Sistine Chapel. “I got so good at it that I found that I had the expertise, the poise and confidence to pray my rosary for the Pope while risking my many lives in Modern Warfare.” That’s... Read More

Little Girl Who Attempted To Steal Pope’s “Hat” Arraigned On Felony Charges

March 23, 2017 by  
Filed under Vatican

The Swiss Guard have arrested Estella Westrick from Atlanta, Georgia for several felony offenses Tuesday after she attempted to steal Pope Francis’ zucchetto in broad daylight. The three-year-old was arrested on charges including theft, assault on a public figure, and resisting arrest from her father after throwing a temper tantrum. Just after 12:40 p.m. on Tuesday, the Swiss Guard were forced into action after an assault complaint was made from... Read More

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