31 NFL Head Coaches Face Possible Firings For Not Drafting Openly Gay Defensive End Michael Sam

New York, NY–According to reports coming from the National Football League today, 31 NFL head coaches are facing possible firings after intolerantly... Read More

Libs & Trads

Pope Michael Comes To Aid Of Deposed Nigerian Prince; Transfers “Sum of USD 5 Millions”

Belvue, KS––Speaking from his porcelain throne yesterday, Pope Michael announced to those gathered in the papal living room that, as sign of unity between the Church and the great people of Nigeria, he would be transferring the “sum... Read More


Mars Curiosity Rover Successfully Reaches Jesuit Seminary

Berkeley, CA––NASA announced Tuesday that its 2.5 billion dollar Mars Curiosity Rover has successfully touched down in the Jesuit Seminary in Berkeley. For close to a decade, the Church and NASA alike have been fascinated with... Read More


Area Jesuit Excited About New “Clerics” From Tommy Bahama

Seattle, WA––The Seattle-based manufacturer of casual men’s sportswear Tommy Bahama is set to release its highly-anticipated new line of clothing for Jesuits this week. The clothing company, whose men’s sportswear lines already... Read More

Man Fondly Remembers Time When A Man Could Read Bible In Public Without Fear Of Being Ridiculed, Beheaded

New Philadelphia––Thinking back to a time long ago, 80-year-old New Philadelphian Gary Walker told his grandchildren that he remembered a time when a man could own a bible without fear of public humiliation and execution. “Oh,... Read More

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Pope Francis Calls Zack Snyder To Complain About Choice Of Ben Affleck For Batman

Hollywood, CA––”Hello, it’s Pope Francis,” were the first words spoken during a conversation in which His Holiness telephoned Zack Snyder,... Read More

(Photo: Crystal Cathedral, 21 June 2005/Nepenthes)

Pope To Move Crystal Cathedral To Rome?

(Photo: Crystal Cathedral, 21 June 2005/Nepenthes) Vatican City––According to the Vatican press office this week, tentative plans are being discussed with regards... Read More

Painting of the Sentients Rising in Guardian Angels Cathedral in Las Vegas, Nevada

Sistine Chapel Officials In Negotiations To Swap Paintings With Guardian Angel Cathedral In Las Vegas

Painting of The Rise of the Sentients in Guardian Angels Cathedral in Las Vegas, Nevada VATICAN CITY––An official at the Vatican Press Office today announced... Read More

Brazil Pope

“I Told Him Left…Make A Freaking Left,” Pope Vents To Youth

Rio de Janeiro––Just a day after his driver made a wrong turn down a busy street in Rio de Janeiro, a visibly irritated Pope Francis vented to close to a million... Read More

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Parish Life


University Of Steubenville Quarterback Exclusively Throwing “Hail Marys”

Steubenville, OH––The University of Steubenville, best known for... Read More


Self-Proclaimed Thomist Admits He Knows Nothing Of Thomas

Spokane, WA––It was reported this week that Gonzaga University grad... Read More

Knights Of Columbus Totally Not Catholic Version Of Freemasons

New Haven, CT––The Knights of Columbus, which are made up of wealthy... Read More


New Archbishop Of San Francisco Overjoyed To See City’s Devotion To God’s Covenant With Noah

San Fransisco, CA––The new Archbishop of San Francisco, Salvatore... Read More

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Family Fighting For Good Seats At Christmas Mass With The Zeal Of 12th Century Crusaders


Los Angeles, CA––Reporting that he and his family had been forced from their... Read More

USCCB To Consider Implementing Challenge Flags And Instant Replays During Masses

"Parishioners are challenging the orthodoxy of the homily."

“Parishioners are challenging the orthodoxy of the homily.” Washington,... Read More

Liturgical Dancer Tests Positive For Performance-Enhancing Drugs


It is being reported this morning that world-renowned liturgical dancer Doris Griffin... Read More

Maestro Who Conducts Symphony With Back Facing Audience Labelled Radical Traditional


Albuquerque, New Mexico––After conducting his first symphony since being named... Read More

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