Hipster Priest Consecrates Fresh Batch Of Seasonal Pumpkin Spice Eucharist

Just in time for the start of Fall, local hipster priest Fr. Kale Adams announced this morning that he has consecrated his first batch of Pumpkin Spice... Read More

Mass

Pope’s New Crossguard Lightsaber Crosier Stirring Up Controversy With Liturgical Purists

VATICAN — Vatican television took the liturgical world by storm last Friday by giving Catholics their very first official look at a short teaser trailer from the upcoming papal Christmas Mass. Focusing much of the trailer on new cantors... Read More

OurFather

“Our Father” Ringtone Conveniently Goes Off During “Our Father,” Keeping Everyone In Key

Topeka, KS–According to sources at Our Lady Star of the Sea Parish in Topeka, Kansas, a phone belonging to an unidentified person went off early Sunday morning during the Our Father, despite the pastor’s repeated requests that... Read More

CHILD

Questions Arise After Mother Neglects To Remove Hysterical Child From Mass

Eugene, OR––In the immediate aftermath of the Mass in which parishioner Heather Thomas neglected to remove her crying child to the cry-room during the homily, family of the 26-year-old mother were quick to blame the non-removal of the... Read More

DRUGS

Liturgical Dancer Tests Positive For Performance-Enhancing Drugs

It is being reported this morning that world-renowned liturgical dancer Doris Griffin has tested positive for performance-enhancing drugs. A USCCB spokesman said that trace amounts of an illegal substance were found in Griffin’s blood... Read More

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Vatican

Image:AndrewHermiz

Bear From “The Revenant” Has Private Meeting With Pope Francis

Image:AndrewHermiz The bear that played the role of the vicious bear in the movie “The Revenant” met with Pope Francis at the Vatican Thursday, discussing their... Read More

Vatican Pope

Pope Benedict Declares 2013 “Year Of Stuff”

Vatican – Wednesday Angelus attendees were shocked today when His Holiness Pope Benedict XVI declared the Year of Our Lord 2013 to be the “Year of Stuff,”... Read More

Francis

Pope Francis Not Sure What To Make Of His Papacy Thus Far

VATICAN CITY––It was announced earlier this afternoon that His Holiness Pope Francis was at a complete and utter loss about what to make of his papacy thus... Read More

PAPA

Pope Francis Sneaks Out Of Vatican At Night In Disguise To Help Poor, Fight Crime

  VATICAN–A recent interview with the Papal Alomner Archbishop Konrad Krajewski this week confirmed recent speculations that Pope Francis joins him on... Read More

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Libs & Trads

TommyB

Area Jesuit Excited About New “Clerics” From Tommy Bahama

Seattle, WA––The Seattle-based manufacturer of casual men’s... Read More

SSPX Vehemently Protesting Canonization of St. Peter

VATICAN––Members of the Society of St. Pius X have stormed the internet... Read More

New App Allows User To Locate Where Least Crappy Homily Going To Be Delivered In Area

The Vatican announced this morning that they have launched “CrapHom,”... Read More

BSD

Black Sheep Dog, John Corapi, Issues Apology

Hudson, NY––Former S.O.L.T. priest, John Corapi, has apologized today... Read More

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Politics

Benedictines Suspend Monk For Bullying Novice

Incognito

Miami, FL–Benedictines from around the country are calling on the superior... Read More

Around The Clock Coverage As Tens Of People March To Protect European Starling Bird Eggs

European Starling eggs.

European Starling eggs. Washington, DC–MSNBC has announced that they will be... Read More

Paula Deen Not In Hot Water After Using Anti-Catholic Slur

DEEN

Savannah, GA––Just weeks after admitting she used racist and anti-Semitic comments... Read More

Last Remaining Christian Living In Jerusalem Excited About Papal Visit

israel_jerusalem

JERUSALEM–Just a day before Pope Francis makes his first Papal Visit to the... Read More

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