New Ascension Press “Great Disappointment Catholic Bible” Includes Timeline Of All The Moments In Your Life That You’ve Failed God

  The Great Disappointment Catholic Bible published by Ascension Press hit Catholic bookstores today, with thousands clamoring to get their hands... Read More

Mass

Lazy Man Not Helping To Put Up Kneeler

West Bloomfield, MI––A source out of St. Ulric Catholic Church in West Bloomfield, Michigan confirmed Sunday that parishioner Alexander Ramsey had not lifted a finger to assist in putting up or down the kneeler for the consecration. “I... Read More

After 26 Weeks Of Anticipation, 27th Sunday In Ordinary Time Just Around Corner

Thousands flock to St. Peter’s to reserve spots for Mass during the 27th Sunday in Ordinary Time. The Christian West––After 26 weeks of eager anticipation, it was reported today that hundreds of millions of Catholics from across the... Read More

Monday Morning Priest Would’ve Said Mass Completely Different

Denver, CO––After having attended Mass yesterday evening, Denver native and layman Jeffrey Baines went on his public access television show Clerical Primetime this morning to criticize his parish pastor Father Roger Manning of quitting... Read More

Area Parishioner Reporting He’s Not Gay; Ain’t Gonna Hold Another Man’s Hand During Our Father

Fort Worth, TX––77-year-old Richard Kantor of Fort Worth, Texas is reporting at this hour that he ain’t no gay, and therefore not gonna hold another man’s hand during the Our Father. “I ain’t gonna do it. Never... Read More

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Libs & Trads

No One At Mass Sure Whether They At Catholic Or Protestant Service

Despite efforts to figure whether they were in a Catholic or Protestant service, local parishioners were left baffled after an “animated” man wearing vestments... Read More

Second Year Of Mercy To Allow An Individual’s Conscience To Absolve One’s Own Sins

The Vatican announced today that they will be opening a second Year of Mercy. The initiative is intended to address the crisis in the sacrament of confession and... Read More

Jesus Assumes New Role As Savior Emeritus After Catholic Blogger Takes Over Task Of Saving Church From Francis

Catholic blogger Nicholas Robison, best known for his blog, More Catholic Than Jesus, announced today that he has officially assumed the role of Savior of the world,... Read More

Pope Michael Doesn’t Know What All The Commotion Is About

Belvue, KS–Sources close to Pope Michael are strongly denying reports out Monday morning claiming that the pontiff will be retiring at the end of February.... Read More

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Vatican

Pope Francis Says It’s Better To Be An Atheist Than To Enjoy The DC Cinematic Universe

“If you watched Suicide Squad or Batman v. Superman and somehow convinced... Read More

Imam Agrees That Catholics Shouldn’t Breed Like Rabbits

Just a day after Pope Francis told Catholics that they should not feel... Read More

Leaked Documents Reveal Vatican Officials Blew Entire Peter’s Pence On Beanie Babies

Image: WolfgangStuck   The Vatican’s leaks scandal intensified Tuesday... Read More

Pope Francis Names Archbishop Cupich As His Successor

Image: Goat_Girl The Vatican announced this week that Chicago Archbishop... Read More

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Politics

Cardinal Kaspar Opposes Resettlement Of Traditionalist Refugees In Home Diocese

Cardinal Walter Kaspar’s anger over resettlement of ultra-traditionalist priests... Read More

Parishioners Refuse To Stand During The Our Father

  [News Brief] Catholics parishioners across the U.S. protested during the... Read More

Italian Doctor Prescribes Israel, Palestine High Dose Of Chill Pill

ROME––At the request of Pope Benedict XVI, Rome’s foremost family counselor Dr. Umberto... Read More

Michael Voris Hair, Trump Hair Get Together For Drinks

Just days after Super Tuesday, Donald Trump’s hair reportedly called Texas Catholic... Read More

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