Vatican Invites Hugh Hefner To Join Commission To Study Priestly Celibacy

Ricardo André Frantz

Ricardo André Frantz   Just days after the U.N. Elected Saudi Arabia to its Women’s Rights Commission, the Vatican announced this week that Pope... Read More



Family Fighting For Good Seats At Christmas Mass With The Zeal Of 12th Century Crusaders

Reporting that he and his family had been forced from their aisle seat just minutes after acquiring it, 48-year-old Brenden O’Malley told EOTT moments ago that he would “not rest till his aisle seat was once again reclaimed.” “Beset,... Read More

Man Goes To Mass To Seek Out Intimate Encounter With Neighbor

Explaining how forcefully and extensively the centrality of an intimate encounter with the person of our neighbor is to the spiritual life, local Catholic Jonathan Duggan invited friends to Mass this morning so that they too could experience the... Read More


Folk Mass Band Upset Over Masses Interrupting Their Concerts

Yonkers, NY––Blake Jennings, lead guitarist at St. Therese Parish in Yonkers, New York is outraged over what he calls “years of concerts being interrupted by the Mass.” The 56-year-old accountant and father of three has played... Read More


Homily Never Going To End, Sources Confirm

Galveston, TX–Multiple sources at Prince of Peace Catholic Church in Galveston, Texas have just confirmed that parish pastor Fr. Robert Warner is “never going to wrap up his freaking homily.” 29-year-old mother of three Katrin... Read More

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Cardinal Kaspar Opposes Resettlement Of Traditionalist Refugees In Home Diocese

Cardinal Walter Kaspar’s anger over resettlement of ultra-traditionalist priests into his dioceses took a new turn Thursday as a growing number of German bishops... Read More

Pope Hopes To Strengthen Interfaith Relations In Jerusalem, But Mostly Hoping To Just Stay Alive, Vatican Confirms

JERUSALEM–Fifty years after the historic embrace between the heads of the Catholic and Christian Orthodox Churches, Pope Francis will become the fourth Pope... Read More

Nancy Pelosi

Pelosi On Virgin Sacrifices During Satanic Masses: “This Is Sacred Ground To Me As Well”

Washington, DC––Members of the pro-life movement have denounced House Democratic leader Nancy Pelosi after remarks that she, as a Catholic, viewed the protection... Read More


Planned Parenthood Set To Unveil New Line At Fashion Week

PARIS––The city of Paris has come to a standstill with the anticipation of next week’s start of Fall Fashion Week. Legendary designer Christian Dior... Read More

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Libs & Trads

Pope Encourages Women To Reveal Breasts In Sistine Chapel, Feminist Newspaper Reports

VATICAN––“He is 77, celibate, and the Vicar of Christ; a role which,... Read More


Jesuit Celebrates Halloween By Dressing Up In “Priest Costume”

Cincinnati, OH––Hoping to surprise his family and friends at Holy... Read More

Knights Of Columbus Amassing Troops In Preparation For Vatican Takeover Of Malta

Tensions have escalated between conservative and liberal Catholics today... Read More

As 2000th Anniversary of Pentecost Approaches, God Still Refuses to Clarify Ambiguous Passages of Scripture

Advocates of family values and traditional marriage spoke out today, demanding... Read More

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Parish Life

Swede Invents Thicker Confessional Walls; Wins Nobel Prize


Sweden––Alsog Dalgaard of Sweden has been awarded the Nobel Prize for his achievement in... Read More

“Habemus Papas Fritas!” Waiter Joyfully Announces To Cheering Crowd At Local Restaurant

Image: Keith McDuffee

Image: Keith McDuffee Papas Fritas, sliced potato batons deep-fried in oily goodness,... Read More

Catholic Dimwit Didn’t Even Know Wednesday Ashes Come From Cremated Pets

Local Catholic dimwit Elton Price admitted to friends today that he had absolutely... Read More

Dissident Legionary Parts Hair In Middle

It is impossible that scandals should not come: but woe to him through whom they come.

Thornwood, NY–Speaking to an assembly of Legionary of Christ seminarians this... Read More

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