Illuminati Gives Pope Francis Two-Year Extension

In a private meeting with cloaked members of the Illuminati this morning, Pope Francis reportedly signed a two-year extension to his pontificate, with... Read More

Libs & Trads

ND

Obama Invited To Say Mass At Notre Dame

Southbend, IN––Three years after Notre Dame invited Barack Obama to deliver the commencement speech to its graduating class, the university has now reportedly invited him to say Mass at the Basilica of the Sacred Heart. “We’d... Read More

Gaymarriage

New Poll Shows 50% Of Catholics Disagree With Jesus’ Stance On Gay Marriage

Novi, MI––A new poll out today shows that about half of Catholics in America still disagree with the Second Person of the Trinity’s stance on gay marriage. The automated poll, commissioned by the USCCB, asked 10,000 Catholics whether... Read More

MARY

Statue In Cathedral Of Our Lady Of The Angels Wondering Why Everyone Keeps Laughing At It

Los Angeles, CA––The Virgin Mary statue at the entrance of Our Lady of the Angels Cathedral in Los Angeles announced today that it was becoming evermore frustrated and frankly rather confused by the amount of mockery it has received... Read More

Cardinal Says Women’s Ordination Makes Sense Because Church Could Pay Women Less To Minister

  Cardinal Sean O’Malley told reporters earlier today that his recent interview with 60 Minutes was difficult because he did not have time to fully delve into how insane his opinion was on the matter of women’s ordination. “I hope... Read More

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Parish Life

Local Catholic To Substitute Medium Deep Dish Stuffed-Crust Pizza For Meat On Fridays During Lent

Local Catholic Ronny Edison announced today at a local Papa John’s Pizza that he was officially not eating meat on Fridays during Lent, in accord with teachings... Read More

VD

St. Valentine Makes Impassioned Plea For Safe Return Of Kidnapped Feast Day

In a heart-wrenching moment on the Today Show earlier this morning, 3rd century saint Valentine made an emotional plea to the kidnappers of his feast. Speaking... Read More

Drive Thru

Drive-Thru Confessions Huge Hit In Local Parish

Wichita, KS––Reports out of The Church of the Most Holy Trinity in Wichita, Kansas are confirming that last week’s launch of their new drive-thru confessional... Read More

German “Bling” Bishop Asks Jesus What He Should Do That He May Have Everlasting Life

Limburg, Germany–Pope Francis has reportedly removed German Bishop Franz-Peter Tebartz-van Elst, dubbed the “bling” bishop, for spending 43 million dollars... Read More

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Mass

Pulpit

Homily Never Going To End, Sources Confirm

Galveston, TX–Multiple sources at Prince of Peace Catholic Church... Read More

Presentation of the Gifts

No Laity Found To Bring Up Gifts To Altar; Consecration Delayed Two Hours

  Toronto, Canada––Pastor of St. Dwenden Catholic Church in... Read More

Z

Fr. Zuhlsdorf Installs Electric Altar Rails; 2 Women Injured

Madison, WI––It is being reported that the two unidentified Catholics... Read More

Magic

Priest Magician Performs Folk Mass Illusion; Makes Parishioners Disappear

Las Vegas, NV––Citing a large demand for his Folk Mass illusion,... Read More

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Vatican

EWTN Acquires Holy See

Irondale, AL–EWTN Global Catholic Network announced today that it has acquired... Read More

Millions To Miss Pope’s Global Hour Of Adoration Due To Super Busy Schedules

Adoration

World, The–Citing “super busy” schedules, millions from around... Read More

Vatican Insiders Reveal Holy Father Resigned Because Roman Curia “Too Fabulous”

Roman Curia

VATICAN CITY–Sources close to Pope Benedict revealed today that the ultimate... Read More

Pope Francis Bows To Refrigerator, Houseplant

Francis

VATICAN CITY–As head of state at the Vatican, as well as leader of the world’s... Read More

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