Cardinal Says Women’s Ordination Makes Sense Because Church Could Pay Women Less To Minister

  Cardinal Sean O’Malley told reporters earlier today that his recent interview with 60 Minutes was difficult because he did not have time to fully... Read More

Mass

SSSSSSSIIIIIIIIIII

Developing: Sick Man Attempting To Shake Your Hand During Sign Of Peace

Fort Worth, TX––It is being reported this second that the sick man who has been violently coughing into his hands all Mass has been feverishly trying to get your attention to shake hands during the Sign of Peace. “I already threw... Read More

Mass Meme (1)

ICEL Calls For All-Meme Missal Translation For Youth Masses

Washington, DC––Citing a need for the Church to “reach out to its estranged youth,” the International Commission on English in the Liturgy requested, and has already begun intensive work on, an all-meme edition of the Roman Missal.... Read More

Cantor

“Why Ain’t Nobody Singin’ Back the Responsory?” Lector Wondering. “My Arms Is Raised Up High Like They Supposed To Be”

Knoxville, TN––Lector at St. Hildegund Catholic Church in Nashville, Tennessee Helen Banks is currently questioning why parishioners are neglecting to sing the Responsory after clearly being given the cue to respond. “Why ain’t... Read More

CHURCH

“We’re Taking All The Good Seats On Christmas, And You’re Gonna Stand There And Like It,” Nominal Catholics Report

YOUR PARISH––”We’re taking every pew and every freaking seat in the house tonight and tomorrow, and you’re just gonna have to stand there and like it,” bitter Christmas/Easter Catholics told the nation’s practicing... Read More

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Vatican

Pope Excommunicates 95% Of Italian Men

Sibari, Calabria––Using his strongest language to date, Pope Francis told Italian Mafia members and those who look like mafia members on Saturday that they... Read More

(Photo: Crystal Cathedral, 21 June 2005/Nepenthes)

Pope To Move Crystal Cathedral To Rome?

(Photo: Crystal Cathedral, 21 June 2005/Nepenthes) Vatican City––According to the Vatican press office this week, tentative plans are being discussed with... Read More

Pope Emeritus Benedict Glances At Cover Of Time Magazine Again, Discreetly Wipes Tear From Eye

VATICAN–Sources close to the Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI reported that the Holy Father has been silently obsessing over Time Magazine’s recent choice... Read More

Marcial Maciel

What The Hell Kinda Name Is ‘Marcial Maciel,’ Anyway, New Study Asks

VATICAN–The Vatican is asking Catholics to participate in a global survey that asks, “What the hell kinda name is Marcial Maciel, anyway?” The survey,... Read More

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Politics

Lila Rose Goes Undercover As Fetus

In an astounding show of acting dexterity, Lila Rose, President of the... Read More

Photo: Gage Skidmore

Christian Groups Protest to “Keep the Christ in X-Men”

Devout Christian Marvel Comic enthusiasts protest to keep Christ in X-Men... Read More

God Apparently Hates Brazil

Kingdom of Heaven––Speaking from His Eternal Throne of Cherubim,... Read More

Archbishop of Canterbury Enthronement

New Archbishop of Canterbury Makes Compelling Case For Gay Marriage

ENGLAND–The Most Reverend Justin Welby was formally enthroned earlier... Read More

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