New Poll Shows 86% Of Nominal Catholic Women Not Sure How To Outwhore Last Year’s Halloween Costume

Los Angeles, CA––As part of an effort to find out how some nominal Catholic women were preparing to outwhore last year’s costumes, more than... Read More

Mass

Magic

Priest Magician Performs Folk Mass Illusion; Makes Parishioners Disappear

Las Vegas, NV––Citing a large demand for his Folk Mass illusion, part-time magician Fr. George Richmond of Las Vegas, Nevada told reporters Sunday that he would begin to perform the trick every Sunday at 9:00 am. “I remember last... Read More

OfftotheSide

Man Dressed As Tabernacle At Halloween Party Ignored; Is Moved To Corner Of Room

Austin, TX–According to reports from several eyewitnesses moments ago, 27-year-old Austin man Emmanuel Dickens, who showed up to a Halloween party dressed as his favorite tabernacle, was promptly ignored and escorted to the corner of... Read More

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Developing: Sick Man Attempting To Shake Your Hand During Sign Of Peace

Fort Worth, TX––It is being reported this second that the sick man who has been violently coughing into his hands all Mass has been feverishly trying to get your attention to shake hands during the Sign of Peace. “I already threw... Read More

Pope Francis To Defrock 300 Priests For Failing To Say ‘Good Morning’ At The Beginning Of Mass

VATICAN––Shortly after it was revealed that his predecessor, Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI, defrocked 400 priests for sexual abuse of minors, Pope Francis decreed the immediate removal of priestly faculties for 300 priests from Europe and... Read More

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Political

Former Vice President Joe Biden attending Pope Francis' Installation Mass.

[Breaking] Biden Steps Down As VP Hours After Becoming Pro-Life

Former Vice President Joe Biden attending Pope Francis’ Installation Mass. Washington, DC––Vice President Joe Biden announced today that he was stepping... Read More

Pope Francis Spends First Day In Korea Wondering Whether He’s In The Good Or Bad Korea

Seoul, Good Korea–The pope read a 10-minute speech in English at the Presidential office in Seoul, noting that the name “South Korea” was not distinct... Read More

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Pope Francis Aides Conspired to Snarl Communion Line Traffic in Basilica of Cardinal Who Did Not Cast Vote for Him

VATICAN––It was revealed today that senior assistants to Pope Francis conspired to snarl lines for Holy Communion in the basilica of a “rival Cardinal.” ... Read More

New Federal HHS Mandate To Force Protestant Business Owners To Pray To Mary Against Their Consciences

Washington, DC––Horizon Baptist College in Washington, DC has become the first casualty of the new HHS mandate that requires Protestant colleges, groups, and... Read More

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Libs & Trads

Catholics For Choice Asks Vatican To Allow Abortions In Cases of Rape, Incest, Impending Prom

The pro-choice organization Catholics for Choice today sent a request to... Read More

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2-Year-Old Boy Named Lefebvre Being Extremely Disobedient To Father

Chino, CA–Citing his son’s refusal to adhere to any of his warnings,... Read More

Gaymarriage

New Poll Shows 50% Of Catholics Disagree With Jesus’ Stance On Gay Marriage

Novi, MI––A new poll out today shows that about half of Catholics... Read More

HOMILY1

Dumbstruck Congregation Listens In Awe As “Judgmental” Pastor Delivers Sound Homily

Encinitas, CA–Listening in shock and horror as a visiting priest... Read More

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Vatican

Germany Abdicates World Cup Championship; Argentina To Assume Title

BRAZIL––The German National Team today stunned soccer fans across the globe... Read More

Pope Francis Washes Feet Of Eight Men, One Woman, A Muslim, Ferret, And A Double Amputee

VATICAN–Pope Francis visited the Don Gnocchi Center in Rome today to wash... Read More

Second Paul VI Miracle Approved After Priest Gives Homily On Humanae Vitae

VATICAN—Just days after Pope Paul VI moved one step closer to canonization after... Read More

Pope Francis To Work Midnight Shift At McDonald’s to Help The Poor

McDonald's

ROME––The new Holy Father, after paying his hotel bill the day of his election... Read More

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