Catholic Church Says No To Gluten-Free Catholics Entering Heaven
Image: Paterm [News Brief] A new letter to Catholic bishops this week from the Vatican has sparked outrage from gluten-free Catholics who learned... Read More
Mass
Vatican Approves New Emoji Translation Of Mass
The Vatican announced today that Pope Francis has approved a new emoji translation of the Mass to help young adults more actively follow along during church services. “We’ve found that most young adults can no longer read complete sentences... Read More
Thousands Camp Outside Churches In Anticipation Of Black Friday Masses
Hundreds of church-goers stamped into Saint Theresa Parish on Black Friday, 2011, just moments before four are tragically trampled to death. As anticipated, thousands of church-goers have already camped out in front of churches all across the... Read More
“Extraordinary Mass Should Not Be The Norm,” Extraordinary Minister Of Holy Communion Reporting
Pigeon Forge, Tennessee––Extraordinary Minister of Holy Communion Ernest Robbins is reporting to friends and family that the Extraordinary Form of the Liturgy “should never become the norm,” but that it should “remain... Read More
Area Parishioner Reporting He’s Not Gay; Ain’t Gonna Hold Another Man’s Hand During Our Father
Fort Worth, TX––77-year-old Richard Kantor of Fort Worth, Texas is reporting at this hour that he ain’t no gay, and therefore not gonna hold another man’s hand during the Our Father. “I ain’t gonna do it. Never... Read More
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Politics
Chicago School Board Bans Crosses And Lower Case T’s
In the midst of the political firestorm regarding Montgomery Elementary School student Adrian Townsend’s right to wear a cross necklace, the Chicago School... Read More
Imperial Jury Indicts Luke Skywalker; Galactic Empire Cleared
Credit: Wikicommons An imperial grand jury investigating criminal allegations against the Galactic Empire stemming from a series of undercover videos instead indicted... Read More
Ireland Approves Reentry Of Snakes Into Country By Popular Vote
Ireland overwhelmingly approved a referendum to allow “snakes” back in the country on Saturday, becoming the first country in the world to allow such a move... Read More
Fr. Frank Pavone Accidentally Named Supreme Court Nominee After Obama Inadvertently Picks Up Wrong File From Desk
Image: Wiki Commons Catholic priest and pro-life activist Fr. Frank Pavone was accidentally made President Obama’s choice to fill the vacant Supreme Court... Read More
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Vatican
Little Girl Who Attempted To Steal Pope’s “Hat” Arraigned On Felony Charges
The Swiss Guard have arrested Estella Westrick from Atlanta, Georgia for... Read More
Pope Francis Accidentally Misplaces Keys To The Kingdom Of Heaven
Image: Andrew Hermiz Saying that he could’ve sworn he put them... Read More
Pope Emeritus Benedict Glances At Cover Of Time Magazine Again, Discreetly Wipes Tear From Eye
VATICAN–Sources close to the Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI reported... Read More
Ringling Bros. Circus And Its Subsidiary The Vatican To Shut Down In May
Image:AlejandroLinaresGarcia After more than 140 years, the... Read More
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Libs & Trads
USCCB To Publish Compendium Of The Compendium Of The Catechism For College Students
Washington, DC––It was announced today that the United States Conference of... Read More
Woman Who Believes Church Has No Respect For Women Can’t Wait To See Fifty Shades Of Grey
South Jordan, UT––Citing the Catholic Church’s centuries old “tradition”... Read More
San Diego Bishop To Have Diocese Sprayed In Effort To Fight The Spread Of Orthodoxy
In an effort to combat what is being called a “fast-moving and highly contagious... Read More
Pope Michael Comes To Aid Of Deposed Nigerian Prince; Transfers “Sum of USD 5 Millions”
Belvue, KS––Speaking from his porcelain throne yesterday, Pope Michael announced... Read More
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Catholic Church Says No To Gluten-Free Catholics Entering HeavenIf people are so ignorant that they can't recognize satire, then their admiration isn't worth anything.
