Prisoners Break Free From Lunch With Pope To Return To Prison

Image_Michael Coghlan   Two prisoners in Bologna, Italy escaped during their lunch with Pope Francis yesterday, reportedly fleeing back to their jail... Read More

Mass

Family Fighting For Good Seats At Christmas Mass With The Zeal Of 12th Century Crusaders

Reporting that he and his family had been forced from their aisle seat just minutes after acquiring it, 48-year-old Brenden O’Malley told EOTT moments ago that he would “not rest till his aisle seat was once again reclaimed.” “Beset,... Read More

Man Goes To Mass To Seek Out Intimate Encounter With Neighbor

Explaining how forcefully and extensively the centrality of an intimate encounter with the person of our neighbor is to the spiritual life, local Catholic Jonathan Duggan invited friends to Mass this morning so that they too could experience the... Read More

Homily Never Going To End, Sources Confirm

Galveston, TX–Multiple sources at Prince of Peace Catholic Church in Galveston, Texas have just confirmed that parish pastor Fr. Robert Warner is “never going to wrap up his freaking homily.” 29-year-old mother of three Katrin... Read More

Tostitos Fiesta Pentecost Mass One Of Many New Church Sponsorships

Alameda, CA–Following a string of church closures around the country, St. Stephen Parish in Alameda, California has announced plans to have their upcoming Pentecost Mass sponsored by Tostitos. The move comes just months after Los Angeles... Read More

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Libs & Trads

Protestant Friend Knows All He Needs To Know About Catholic Church

Orange County, CA–Area Protestant Ezekial Atkinson reported earlier this morning that he didn’t need a lecture on Church teaching because he “already... Read More

SSPV Apologize After Drone Targeting Novus Ordo Mass Accidentally Dropped On Taliban

Hoboken, NJ––An SSPV drone strike has accidentally killed three and injured four other Taliban members living in the U.S. Saturday, a spokesman for the Society... Read More

Jesus Assumes New Role As Savior Emeritus After Catholic Blogger Takes Over Task Of Saving Church From Francis

Catholic blogger Nicholas Robison, best known for his blog, More Catholic Than Jesus, announced today that he has officially assumed the role of Savior of the world,... Read More

Middle-Aged White Woman Gyrating Near Altar Just Like They Do In Kenya

Image: auntjojo 52-year-old liturgical dancing sensation Grace Weaver confirmed this morning that she planned on gyrating like all hell during Mass “just like... Read More

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Parish Life

New Scott Hahn Drinking Game Has Readers Taking Shot After Every Mention Of Word “Covenant”

Steubenville, OH––A new, dangerous drinking game invented by Franciscan... Read More

Francis Much Better Pope Than That Other Guy We Had, Area Nominal Catholic Reports

Des Moines, IA––Telling his son that “This new pope guy is much... Read More

New Matt Fradd Anti-Porn Book Just 90-Pages Of Your Mother Staring Disappointedly At You

Matt Fradd has announced that his new anti-porn book, titled, “Oh... Read More

Report: Man Who’s Never Killed Anyone Or Anything Like That Doesn’t Need To Go To Confession

Pittsburgh, PA––A new report out today by area Catholic Marcus Dietrich’s conscience revealed... Read More

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Politics

Francis’ General Audience Address Bears Striking Resemblance To Melania Trump Speech

Image: Mark Nozell (Flikr) A number of paragraphs from Pope Francis’ Wednesday... Read More

Francis Urges Americans To Build Wall Around Trump

Image:Michael Vadon Pope Francis said Thursday that presidential candidate Donald... Read More

Four Jesuit Missionaries Dead After Battle With Portuguese Colonists

In memoriam:Father Gabriel, Rodrigo Mendoza, Fielding, The Other Jesuit Iguazu Falls,... Read More

Cardinal Burke Calls For “Extreme Vetting” Of Protestant Converts

Image: CanonLawJunkie In a speech in Rome last night, Cardinal Raymond Burke outlined his... Read More

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