Pewsitter Employee Considering Adding A Few Additional Exclamation Points To Headline

After close to an hour of staring at the headline he had just written about Pope Francis, an employee at the news aggregation website Pewsitter has reportedly... Read More

Mass

Pulpit

Homily Never Going To End, Sources Confirm

Galveston, TX–Multiple sources at Prince of Peace Catholic Church in Galveston, Texas have just confirmed that parish pastor Fr. Robert Warner is “never going to wrap up his freaking homily.” 29-year-old mother of three Katrin... Read More

Pope Francis To Defrock 300 Priests For Failing To Say ‘Good Morning’ At The Beginning Of Mass

VATICAN––Shortly after it was revealed that his predecessor, Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI, defrocked 400 priests for sexual abuse of minors, Pope Francis decreed the immediate removal of priestly faculties for 300 priests from Europe and... Read More

HazelDeltaTrinity

Folk Mass Band Upset Over Masses Interrupting Their Concerts

Yonkers, NY––Blake Jennings, lead guitarist at St. Therese Parish in Yonkers, New York is outraged over what he calls “years of concerts being interrupted by the Mass.” The 56-year-old accountant and father of three has played... Read More

handsanit_1

Eucharistic Minister Sanitizing Hell Out Of Hands Before Distributing Communion

Local Eucharistic Minister Courtney Smith has been sanitizing the living hell out her hands for the past two minutes in preparation of distributing Holy Communion, parishioners are reporting. According to parishioners at the 9:30 morning Mass... Read More

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Parish Life

Dissident Legionary Parts Hair In The Middle

  Thornwood, NY–Speaking to an assembly of Legionary of Christ seminarians this week, Communications Director for the Legionaries Jim Fair expressed outrage... Read More

Coolest Catholic Guy In Parish Calls Jesus “JC”

According to friends of the coolest Catholic guy in the parish, local parishioner Cameron Young calls Jesus “JC,” although JC is not the Lord’s name and never... Read More

Report: Man Who’s Never Killed Anyone Or Anything Like That Doesn’t Need To Go To Confession

Pittsburgh, PA––A new report out today by area Catholic Marcus Dietrich’s conscience revealed that the 31-year-old father of two is most certainly not... Read More

Skinny Southern California Girl Who Fasted From Carbohydrates And Fatty Foods Not Ready To Give Up Her Lenten Fast

San Diego, CA–Despite having successfully fulfilled her Lenten fast from carbohydrates and fatty foods, skinny SoCal girl Amber Miller announced today that... Read More

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Vatican

Germany Abdicates World Cup Championship; Argentina To Assume Title

BRAZIL––The German National Team today stunned soccer fans across the... Read More

Days After Abolishing “Monsignor” Honor For Priests, Pope Abolishes “Priest” Honor For Seminarians

VATICAN––Days after abolishing the title of “monsignor,”... Read More

Flamboyant Lobby

“Pope Literally Meant A Flamboyantly Decorated Lobby,” Vatican Clarifies

VATICAN–Being interviewed via Skype hours ago, Spokesman for the... Read More

Imam Agrees That Catholics Shouldn’t Breed Like Rabbits

Just a day after Pope Francis told Catholics that they should not feel... Read More

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Libs & Trads

Woman Who Believes Church Has No Respect For Women Can’t Wait To See Fifty Shades Of Grey

South Jordan, UT––Citing the Catholic Church’s centuries old “tradition”... Read More

USCCB To Publish Compendium Of The Compendium Of The Catechism For College Students

Washington, DC––It was announced today that the United States Conference of... Read More

Dumbstruck Congregation Listens In Awe As “Judgmental” Pastor Delivers Sound Homily

HOMILY1

Encinitas, CA–Listening in shock and horror as a visiting priest delivered... Read More

Possible Liturgical Wreckage Spotted In Search For Missing Tabernacle

Austin, TX–Norwegian has become one of the first men to reach the area where... Read More

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