Man With “Only God Can Judge Me” Tattoo Most Likely Going To Hell

  Sources at the USCCB confirmed today that notorious womanizer and overall prick Brody Kakedelis, who once attended St. Thomas More Academy, will... Read More



Family Fighting For Good Seats At Christmas Mass With The Zeal Of 12th Century Crusaders

Reporting that he and his family had been forced from their aisle seat just minutes after acquiring it, 48-year-old Brenden O’Malley told EOTT moments ago that he would “not rest till his aisle seat was once again reclaimed.” “Beset,... Read More


Questions Arise After Mother Neglects To Remove Hysterical Child From Mass

Eugene, OR––In the immediate aftermath of the Mass in which parishioner Heather Thomas neglected to remove her crying child to the cry-room during the homily, family of the 26-year-old mother were quick to blame the non-removal of the... Read More


“Our Father” Ringtone Conveniently Goes Off During “Our Father,” Keeping Everyone In Key

Topeka, KS–According to sources at Our Lady Star of the Sea Parish in Topeka, Kansas, a phone belonging to an unidentified person went off early Sunday morning during the Our Father, despite the pastor’s repeated requests that... Read More

New Eco-Friendly Church Using Biodegradable Chalice

LONDON––Speaking to an assembly of Catholic priests in London yesterday, Pastor of St. Philip Neri Catholic Church in nearby Chigwell, England Fr. Timothy Rooney announced yesterday that he would be transforming his church into a more... Read More

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Coexist Bumper Sticker Ushers In Era Of World Peace

Thanks to a Coexist bumper sticker spotted on the rear bumper of a local Toyota Prius today, the Organization for World Peace (OWP) has announced that every... Read More

God Apparently Hates Brazil

Kingdom of Heaven––Speaking from His Eternal Throne of Cherubim, God the Creator of all that is visible and invisible confirmed today that while His Love... Read More

Image: AndrewHermiz

Michael Voris Hair, Trump Hair Get Together For Drinks

Just days after Super Tuesday, Donald Trump’s hair reportedly called Texas Catholic and apologist Michael Voris’ hair to “comb on over to the bar” to celebrate... Read More


Last Remaining Christian Living In Jerusalem Excited About Papal Visit

JERUSALEM–Just a day before Pope Francis makes his first Papal Visit to the Holy Land, Jerusalem’s sole Christian, Azmi Habibi, announced that he had been... Read More

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Pope Francis Washes Feet Of Eight Men, One Woman, A Muslim, Ferret, And A Double Amputee

VATICAN–Pope Francis visited the Don Gnocchi Center in Rome today... Read More

(Photo: Crystal Cathedral, 21 June 2005/Nepenthes)

Pope To Move Crystal Cathedral To Rome?

(Photo: Crystal Cathedral, 21 June 2005/Nepenthes) Vatican City––According... Read More


Pope Francis Bows To Refrigerator, Houseplant

VATICAN CITY–As head of state at the Vatican, as well as leader... Read More


USCCB Restricts Free Spread Of Lumen Fidei; “Just Like St. Paul Did With Book Of Galations.”

Washington, DC––Just a week after the USCCB accused popular Catholic... Read More

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Libs & Trads

2-Year-Old Boy Named Lefebvre Being Extremely Disobedient To Father

photo (1) - Copy

Chino, CA–Citing his son’s refusal to adhere to any of his warnings,... Read More

Disobedient SSPV Woman Wearing Shoes In Kitchen


Fillmore, NY–Local member of the Society of St. Pius V Marisa Conti reported... Read More

The Dark Lord Sauron To Head Upcoming LCWR Annual Assembly

Location of the upcoming LCWR Conference.

MORDOR––Sister Florence Deacon announced today that the upcoming annual assembly... Read More

Grief Counselors Dispatched To San Diego After New Progressive Bishop Named

A mobile team of professional grief counselors and psychologists from Lockword &... Read More

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