“Well, That Was A Complete Bust,” Francis Tells Crowd Moments Before Cancelling Remainder Of Year Of Mercy

Image: Wikicommons

Image: Wikicommons During his general audience this week in Saint Peter’s Square, Pope Francis announced the cancellation of the remainder of the Holy... Read More

Mass

Vatican Approves New Emoji Translation Of Mass

The Vatican announced today that Pope Francis has approved a new emoji translation of the Mass to help young adults more actively follow along during church services. “We’ve found that most young adults can no longer read complete sentences... Read More

Mass Meme (1)

ICEL Calls For All-Meme Missal Translation For Youth Masses

Washington, DC––Citing a need for the Church to “reach out to its estranged youth,” the International Commission on English in the Liturgy requested, and has already begun intensive work on, an all-meme edition of the Roman Missal.... Read More

Pulpit

Homily Never Going To End, Sources Confirm

Galveston, TX–Multiple sources at Prince of Peace Catholic Church in Galveston, Texas have just confirmed that parish pastor Fr. Robert Warner is “never going to wrap up his freaking homily.” 29-year-old mother of three Katrin... Read More

Grumpy

Area Parishioner Reporting He’s Not Gay; Ain’t Gonna Hold Another Man’s Hand During Our Father

Fort Worth, TX––77-year-old Richard Kantor of Fort Worth, Texas is reporting at this hour that he ain’t no gay, and therefore not gonna hold another man’s hand during the Our Father. “I ain’t gonna do it. Never... Read More

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Libs & Trads

Unimaginative Priest Celebrates Themeless Mass

San Francisco, CA–Citing a lack of time and energy, as well as feeling the “total absence of the liturgical muse,” local pastor Father Mike Conway this... Read More

Image: ChipSomodevilla/Getty Images Europe

Dumbstruck Congregation Listens In Awe As “Judgmental” Pastor Delivers Sound Homily

Encinitas, CA–Listening in shock and horror as a visiting priest delivered what many believed to be a judgmental homily earlier this morning, many parishioners... Read More

Kings_cafeteria__Indoor_Stadium

Liberal Catholic University To Replace Church With Massive Cafeteria

Miami, FL––To help accommodate the diverse palates of Mater Dei University’s large Catholic student-body, President Jon Heinz has announced plans to... Read More

Breaking Bad

Breaking Bad Finale: Walter White’s Issues Revealed As Consequence Of Poor Childhood Catechesis

Albuquerque, NM–After five seasons, the critically acclaimed AMC drama Breaking Bad came to end last night with a stunning twist revealing that the string... Read More

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Parish Life

CHUCK

Man On Catholic Match Finally Ready To Message Kristin-51053

San Luis Obispo, CA––31-year-old Chuck-50012 has finally finished... Read More

before and after

Renovation Construction for Rio Shuttlecock Cathedral Nearing Completion

A before and after image of the soon to be fully renovated Shuttlecock... Read More

Latino Gang Member’s Our Lady Of Guadalupe Tattoo Used For Devotions

The Barrio––Mother of Latino gang member “Joker” announced... Read More

Pope Francis Awaiting Final Approval Of Internet Troll Before Promulgating Encyclical

  VATICAN–Vatican sources are confirming that Pope Francis... Read More

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Politics

Head Of Opus Dei Reaffirms Prelature Not A Cult

OD

ROME––Bishop Javier Echevarria Rodriguez, head of the Prelature of the Holy... Read More

Leaked Documents Reveal NSA Spied On Prayers Of Faithful

NSA

According to a new report out this week in the Italian magazine Panorama, the NSA... Read More

Cardinal Kaspar Opposes Resettlement Of Traditionalist Refugees In Home Diocese

Cardinal Walter Kaspar’s anger over resettlement of ultra-traditionalist priests... Read More

Mosul Muslims Delight Christian Neighbors with “One-Eyed Willy” Smiley Faces

Mosul, IRAQ––The Western Media is reporting a growing new trend in Iraq’s... Read More

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