People Preparing McCarrick Report Same People As Counting Votes In Nevada

After days of ballot counting in Nevada, officials from the state revealed earlier this morning that they were, in fact, the same people that were... Read More

Mass

Eucharistic Minister Sanitizing Hell Out Of Hands Before Distributing Communion

Local Eucharistic Minister Courtney Smith has been sanitizing the living hell out her hands for the past two minutes in preparation to distribute Holy Communion, parishioners are reporting. According to parishioners at the 9:30 morning Mass... Read More

ICEL Calls For All-Meme Missal Translation For Youth Masses

Citing a need for the Church to “reach out to its estranged youth,” the International Commission on English in the Liturgy requested, and has already begun intensive work on, an all-meme edition of the Roman Missal. Representatives from... Read More

Lazy Man Not Helping To Put Up Kneeler

West Bloomfield, MI––A source out of St. Ulric Catholic Church in West Bloomfield, Michigan confirmed Sunday that parishioner Alexander Ramsey had not lifted a finger to assist in putting up or down the kneeler for the consecration. “I... Read More

Report: Priest Doing That Stupid Thing Where He Walks Up And Down Aisle During Homily

Image: ChipSomodevilla/Getty Images Europe   Being asked about how their weekends were going, parishioners at St. Luke Parish announced Sunday that Fr. Todd Bunnell was, yet again, leaving the podium and making his way down to the aisle... Read More

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Libs & Trads

Former LCWR President’s Dynamic Speech May Change Pope’s Mind On Female Ordination

PHOTO: Lisa Johnston ROME––Former President of the Leadership Conference of Women Religious, Pat Ferrell, delivered an electrifying speech yesterday to... Read More

Knights Of Columbus Amassing Troops In Preparation For Vatican Takeover Of Malta

Tensions have escalated between conservative and liberal Catholics today as Knights of Columbus members amassed on Malta’s border, which was recently annexed... Read More

Woman Shocked To Learn Her Daughter Eloping In Vegas After Doing Nothing to Catechize Her

Image: Antoine Tavenaeux Local Catholic Marissa Vaughan was saddened to learn this afternoon that her daughter had decided to elope in Las Vegas after years of... Read More

Catholic Church Seemingly Reverses Apology to Galileo

Twenty two years after the historic “apology” of Pope John Paul II to Galileo in 1992, astronomers are beginning to question the apology’s sincerity.... Read More

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Politics

Christian Groups Protest to “Keep the Christ in X-Men”

Devout Christian Marvel Comic enthusiasts protest to keep Christ in X-Men... Read More

St. Patrick’s Day Drunks And Gluttons Afraid Inclusion Of Gay Group At Parade Will Make Mockery Of Feast Day

New York, NY–The nation’s St. Patrick’s day drunks and gluttons... Read More

King Richard III Confirmed Dead

Leicester, England–Scientists say they have found the missing remains... Read More

WikiLeaks Emails Reveal Clinton Campaign Responsible For Founding Of Jesuits

Image:Gage Skidmore A new series of emails released yesterday by WikiLeaks... Read More

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Vatican

Pope Shares Birthday Breakfast With Boy Band One Direction

VATICAN–Five members of the English-Irish pop boy band One Direction helped... Read More

Captain America, Iron Man Split Over Vigano Letter

  Iron man and Captain America have been seen fighting inside St. Peter’s... Read More

Bosnians Upset To Learn Madonna Concert In Medjugorje Performed By Imposter

  The Bosnian Times is reporting this morning that Medjugorje Mayor Alojzige... Read More

Vatican To Issue Martin Luther Tramp Stamps

According to several reports out today, the Vatican will be issuing lower back tattoos... Read More

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