Montana Bishop Candidate Allegedly Body Slams Catholic News Agency Reporter

Bodyslam-Hugo Fernandes

Bodyslam-Hugo Fernandes   Just days after rumors emerged that Montana priest Fr. Gregory Forte could be made a bishop, reports that he apparently... Read More

Mass

Clown

There Was Certainly A Point During My Clown Mass When I Thought, “What The Hell Am I Doing?”

Tuscan, AZ–Pastor of St. Genesius Catholic Church in Tuscan, Arizona Fr. Edmond Harrington confirmed to reporters this afternoon that at one point during his first Clown Mass, he looked at his oversized checkered shoes and thought... Read More

Moments after riot police stormed the church to restore order in the pews.

Seating For Mass Turns Chaotic After Ushers Call In Sick

Moments after riot police stormed the church to restore order in the pews. Mass at St. Alphonsus Parish quickly turned chaotic earlier this morning after all eight ushers called in sick with the flu. 66-year-old Herman Wible, who one of the... Read More

OurFather

“Our Father” Ringtone Conveniently Goes Off During “Our Father,” Keeping Everyone In Key

Topeka, KS–According to sources at Our Lady Star of the Sea Parish in Topeka, Kansas, a phone belonging to an unidentified person went off early Sunday morning during the Our Father, despite the pastor’s repeated requests that... Read More

Catholic Cyborgs Being Developed To Help Fill Churches

The Congregation for the Development of Mechanical Persons (CDMP) announced today that they have successfully developed their first batch of cyborg parishioners to help fill pews. The exciting news comes as the Church struggles with a world-wide... Read More

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Parish Life

Priest On Cell Crawling Beneath Pews During Mass Trying To Catch Pokemon Creatures

Local priest Father John Ross is being accused of delaying Mass for up to an hour Sunday morning after pausing during the middle of The Presentation of the Gifts... Read More

EWTN Announces New Reality Show Lineup

Irondale, AL––Addressing the latest ratings dip for EWTN, the network’s President and CEO, Michael Warsaw, announced today that the station would be... Read More

Image:Vitold Muratov

Homeschool Mom Convinced Son Has Vocation to Papacy

Image:Vitold Muratov   Local homeschool mom Candice Sheehy announced to friends early this morning that she believed that her son Thomas may have a calling... Read More

Catholic Dimwit Didn’t Even Know Wednesday Ashes Come From Cremated Pets

Local Catholic dimwit Elton Price admitted to friends today that he had absolutely no clue that ashes used during Ash Wednesday Masses came from cremated pets. The... Read More

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Vatican

Pope Francis

Pope Francis Signals Possible Openness To Just About Anything At This Point

Pope Francis has said that he is open to the possibility of permitting... Read More

Image: Goat_Girl

Pope Francis Names Archbishop Cupich As His Successor

Image: Goat_Girl The Vatican announced this week that Chicago Archbishop... Read More

Pope Emeritus Benedict Glances At Cover Of Time Magazine Again, Discreetly Wipes Tear From Eye

VATICAN–Sources close to the Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI reported... Read More

Vatican To Project Microsoft Bubbles Screensaver Onto St. Peter’s Whenever Basilica Not In Use

An illuminated projection of the Microsoft Office Bubbles theme onto the... Read More

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Libs & Trads

Man Fondly Remembers Time When A Man Could Read Bible In Public Without Fear Of Being Ridiculed, Beheaded

New Philadelphia––Thinking back to a time long ago, 80-year-old New Philadelphian... Read More

Statue In Cathedral Of Our Lady Of The Angels Wondering Why Everyone Keeps Laughing At It

MARY

Los Angeles, CA––The Virgin Mary statue at the entrance of Our Lady of the... Read More

Traditionalists Sanction Protestant Communities Over Vatican II Liturgical Hacks

In a drastic move to secure traditionalist Catholics from liturgical hackers, the... Read More

Cardinal Nichols Asks Priests To Face Him During Mass

In response to Cardinal Sarah’s remarks on celebrating the liturgy ad orientem,... Read More

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