Catholic Church Says No To Gluten-Free Catholics Entering Heaven

Image: Paterm

Image: Paterm   [News Brief] A new letter to Catholic bishops this week from the Vatican has sparked outrage from gluten-free Catholics who learned... Read More

Mass

Image: Graeme Maclean

Creepy Clown Masses On The Rise

Image: Graeme Maclean Reports out of Cincinnati, Ohio today suggest sightings of Creepy Clown Masses are on the rise nationwide, and at levels not seen since the introduction of the 3rd typical edition of the Roman Missal five years ago. While... Read More

Crusades

Family Fighting For Good Seats At Christmas Mass With The Zeal Of 12th Century Crusaders

Reporting that he and his family had been forced from their aisle seat just minutes after acquiring it, 48-year-old Brenden O’Malley told EOTT moments ago that he would “not rest till his aisle seat was once again reclaimed.” “Beset,... Read More

Area Catholic Confirms Too Many Obligations To Make It To Mass On Holy Day Of Obligation

Rancho San Diego, CA––29-year-old Catholic Tony Rigali confirmed to his family earlier today that due to all the “things on his plate,” he would be, unfortunately, having to skip Holy Day of Obligation Mass today in honor of... Read More

Z

Fr. Zuhlsdorf Installs Electric Altar Rails; 2 Women Injured

Madison, WI––It is being reported that the two unidentified Catholics who rushed the altar this morning to assist Fr. John Zuhlsdorf during the Mass were injured after they were shocked by electric altar rails installed by the priest.... Read More

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Politics

BREAKING: Vatican To Posthumously Grant Henry VIII Annulment; Queen To Dissolve Church Of England  

Sources in the Vatican are now confirming that Pope Francis has agreed to posthumously grant King Henry VIII an annulment from Catherine of Aragon. Numerous reports... Read More

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First Lady Melania Trump Swats Away President’s Hand During Our Father

Image_Dodo   For the second time in just a few days, first lady Melania Trump was seen avoiding holding hands with her husband Donald Trump, this time at the... Read More

Image: An Errant Knight

Santa Reassigns “Rigid” Elf On The Shelf To Malta

Image: An Errant Knight Santa Claus has reassigned a conservative “scout elf” from a key post in a home near Farmington Hills, Michigan to one that is mostly... Read More

VaticanSwissGuardSwornyYygYRj_0Hyl

As Israel And Palestine Brace For War, Vatican Set To March On Jerusalem

TEL AVIV––After days of Israeli bombings in and around Gaza, Hamas has retaliated with a rocket that killed three just north of the Gaza Strip, bringing the... Read More

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Vatican

Zombie Apocalypse

Zombie Apocalypse At Heart of Evangelii Gaudium

VATICAN––In a recently published document released by the Vatican... Read More

Image: Andrew Hermiz

New DC Comics ‘Benedict V Francis: Dawn Of Mercy’ Film Getting Terrible Reviews

Image: Andrew Hermiz It’s been three years since Benedict’s colossal... Read More

Vatican To Project Microsoft Bubbles Screensaver Onto St. Peter’s Whenever Basilica Not In Use

An illuminated projection of the Microsoft Office Bubbles theme onto the... Read More

Image: JennyR18

Pope Francis Thinks Facing Mecca During Mass A Great Idea

Image: JennyR18 Responding to Cardinal Robert Sarah’s suggestion that... Read More

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Libs & Trads

Updated SSPX Catechesis Program To Now Include Fundamentals Of Catholic Trolling

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Image: WikiCommons SSPX leadership is preparing to launch a new Catechism program... Read More

“Sedevacantist Singles” Employees Not Sure Whether To Recognize Authority Of Company President

SEDE

Seattle, WA–After being called in to a meeting by Sedevacantist Singles President... Read More

Statue In Cathedral Of Our Lady Of The Angels Wondering Why Everyone Keeps Laughing At It

MARY

Los Angeles, CA––The Virgin Mary statue at the entrance of Our Lady of the... Read More

Liberal Catholic University To Replace Church With Massive Cafeteria

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Miami, FL––To help accommodate the diverse palates of Mater Dei University’s... Read More

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