Parishioners Eagerly Anticipate Return To Distant, Unwelcoming Community

With Masses resuming in the next couple of weeks, many Catholics are now eagerly anticipating their first non-virtual interaction with the distant,... Read More

Mass

Catholic Cyborgs Being Developed To Help Fill Churches

The Congregation for the Development of Mechanical Persons (CDMP) announced today that they have successfully developed their first batch of cyborg parishioners to help fill pews. The exciting news comes as the Church struggles with a world-wide... Read More

Rookie Monk Out For Advent Season With High Tonsure Sprain

    St. Louis rookie Augustinian Brother Ambrose will be sidelined two to three weeks with a high tonsure sprain, The Augustinian Daily is reporting. Ambrose was injured during last Sunday’s Vesper hour after bowing too fast. “I... Read More

Area Catholic Confirms Too Many Obligations To Make It To Mass On Holy Day Of Obligation

Rancho San Diego, CA––29-year-old Catholic Tony Rigali confirmed to his family earlier today that due to all the “things on his plate,” he would be, unfortunately, having to skip Holy Day of Obligation Mass today in honor of... Read More

Vatican Approves New Emoji Translation Of Mass

The Vatican announced today that Pope Francis has approved a new emoji translation of the Mass to help young adults more actively follow along during church services. “We’ve found that most young adults can no longer read complete sentences... Read More

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Libs & Trads

Pope Michael Doesn’t Know What All The Commotion Is About

Belvue, KS–Sources close to Pope Michael are strongly denying reports out Monday morning claiming that the pontiff will be retiring at the end of February.... Read More

Notre Dame Linebacker Duped Into Playing For Fake Catholic University

South Bend, IN––According to sources within the University of Notre Dame last week, star linebacker Manti Te’o was “duped” into attending... Read More

San Diego Bishop To Have Diocese Sprayed In Effort To Fight The Spread Of Orthodoxy

In an effort to combat what is being called a “fast-moving and highly contagious disease,” officials at the Diocese of San Diego announced today that they will... Read More

Pelosi Excommunicates Cordileone

Washington, DC––In an astonishing move today, Minority Leader of the House of Representatives and Mouthpiece of God in the United States Nancy Pelosi has excommunicated... Read More

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Politics

Brett Kavanaugh To Lead Life Of Prayer, Penance At DC Kegger

  Former nominee to the Supreme Court Brett Kavanaugh has begun his... Read More

Vatican Does Not Deny Francis Visit With Tom Brady; Tells QB To “Stay Strong”

Image: Andrew Campbell/Flickr   A source close to Pope Francis this... Read More

Fr. Frank Pavone Accidentally Named Supreme Court Nominee After Obama Inadvertently Picks Up Wrong File From Desk

Image: Wiki Commons Catholic priest and pro-life activist Fr. Frank Pavone... Read More

Four Jesuit Missionaries Dead After Battle With Portuguese Colonists

In memoriam:Father Gabriel, Rodrigo Mendoza, Fielding, The Other Jesuit Iguazu... Read More

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Vatican

Women In Love With Married Men Appeal To Pope To Make Fidelity Optional

  VATICAN–A group of 26 Italian mistresses who claim to be having affairs... Read More

Cardinal Burke Demoted To Chaplain Of Akron RubberDucks Minor League Baseball Team

Akron, OH–Pope Francis has reportedly planned to remove Cardinal Raymond Burke... Read More

Bear From “The Revenant” Has Private Meeting With Pope Francis

Image:AndrewHermiz The bear that played the role of the vicious bear in the movie... Read More

Cardinal Kasper Adds Three Sacraments

Vatican City––Citing the need for the Church to “update herself with modern... Read More

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