Burke Named Head Of Vatican’s Congregation Of Janitorial Services

The Vatican announced today that Pope Francis has named Cardinal Raymond Burke to be the first prefect of the Congregation of Janitorial Services. Francis’... Read More

Mass

OfftotheSide

Man Dressed As Tabernacle At Halloween Party Ignored; Is Moved To Corner Of Room

According to reports from several eyewitnesses moments ago, 27-year-old Emmanuel Dickens, who showed up to a Halloween party dressed as his favorite tabernacle, was promptly ignored and escorted to the corner of the room. The party’s... Read More

TOSTITOS

Tostitos Fiesta Pentecost Mass One Of Many New Church Sponsorships

Alameda, CA–Following a string of church closures around the country, St. Stephen Parish in Alameda, California has announced plans to have their upcoming Pentecost Mass sponsored by Tostitos. The move comes just months after Los Angeles... Read More

Lazy Man Not Helping To Put Up Kneeler

West Bloomfield, MI––A source out of St. Ulric Catholic Church in West Bloomfield, Michigan confirmed Sunday that parishioner Alexander Ramsey had not lifted a finger to assist in putting up or down the kneeler for the consecration. “I... Read More

Pope’s New Crossguard Lightsaber Crosier Stirring Up Controversy With Liturgical Purists

VATICAN — Vatican television took the liturgical world by storm last Friday by giving Catholics their very first official look at a short teaser trailer from the upcoming papal Christmas Mass. Focusing much of the trailer on new cantors... Read More

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Parish Life

Image: Wikicommons

Man Vomiting In Alley In Honor Of St. Patrick

Image: Wikicommons Calling it a way to show his honor and devotion to St. Patrick, local Catholic John Drexel stumbled outside into the alley behind Hooligans Irish... Read More

Image: WIki Commons

Peter Jackson Announces Plans for 72-Part Movie Series of The Silmarillion

Image: WIki Commons Hollywood, CA–At a press conference today outside his estate in Beverly Hills, acclaimed director Peter Jackson announced his plans to... Read More

Priest Selling Contraband Blessings In The Sketchy End Of Parish Arrested

Father Martin Jones has been arrested for selling contraband papal blessings near the south end of St. Agatha parish after authorities found a trunk full knockoff... Read More

Priest Really Can’t Wait to Hear Your Whole Life Story in Confessional

Sources reported earlier today that Fr. David Bryant, Pastor at St. Josephat Catholic Church in Santa Barbara, is really looking forward to hearing your entire... Read More

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Politics

Local Priest Approves Transgender Confessionals

Pastor of St. Vitus Catholic Church Father David Hitchens said Wednesday... Read More

Satanists Sue Fr. Frank Pavone For Copyright Infringement

Officials at the Satanic organization Blaspheme Inc. announced today that... Read More

Marty Haugen Music To Be Outlawed Under New Geneva Convention Resolution

Geneva, Switzerland–New guidelines set down by the international... Read More

Planned Oklahoma City Black Mass Stirring Controversy With Schismatic Satanist Group

Oklahoma City, OK–The black mass scheduled for September 21 in Oklahoma... Read More

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Libs & Trads

Knights Of Columbus Amassing Troops In Preparation For Vatican Takeover Of Malta

Tensions have escalated between conservative and liberal Catholics today as Knights... Read More

SSPV Apologize After Drone Targeting Novus Ordo Mass Accidentally Dropped On Taliban

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Hoboken, NJ––An SSPV drone strike has accidentally killed three and injured... Read More

Clown At Circus Mass Reprimanded For Honking Sanctus Horn At Wrong Part Of Consecration

CM

Sacramento, CA––Sources say that just minutes after a Circus Mass at St. Pius... Read More

SSPX Vehemently Protesting Canonization of St. Peter

VATICAN––Members of the Society of St. Pius X have stormed the internet and... Read More

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