Eminem Adapts To Praise & Worship In Effort To Stay Relevant

June 13, 2019 by  
Filed under Parish Life

Image: Mika-photography In an effort to reach out to a growing and larger audience, Rapper Marshal Mathers announced this morning that he has decided to adapt his style of music to contemporary Christian Music, also known as Praise & Worship. “I’ve never really been that religious, as most of you know” Marshal Mathers told members of the press. “But if there is a chance my music can be confused with actual prayer and worship, then this... Read More

Perfect Meme Reverses Roe v. Wade

June 12, 2019 by  
Filed under Politics

In a desperate effort to outdo a pro-life meme that was so great and perfect that the Supreme Court had no choice but to overrule Roe v. Wade Wednesday, local pro-choice activists were forced to work through the night to come up with their “gem” of a meme. “It was the most outstanding piece of logic, sprinkled with just the right amount of humor,” Justice Sonia Sotomayor told the press. “This is not the process that we in the Supreme Court... Read More

Report: Apostles Probably Smelled Pretty Nasty

May 15, 2019 by  
Filed under Parish Life

According to a report by historians at the University of Dallas Tuesday, all twelve of the apostles most likely smelled “pretty darn nasty.” The report states that, though it is not intended to insult the disciples of Jesus, fact remains that they most definitely stank like holy hell, and that, had not everyone else at the time also reeked, no one would have come within two miles of them to hear the Good News of Jesus Christ. The historians... Read More

Catholic Answers Begins Promoting Alyssa Milano’s New Chastity Talk

May 13, 2019 by  
Filed under Libs & Trads

Catholic Answers announced this past Saturday that they will begin promoting their new lineup of chastity speakers, including Alyssa Milano, in an effort to help educate “as broad an audience as possible” about the beauty of chastity.    “At first we thought that bringing Alyssa Milano on as a chastity speaker was a bold move,” Events Representative Cassidy McDougal told EOTT this morning. “We understood coming in that her call for women... Read More

Game Of Thrones Starbucks Cup Reportedly To Appear Nude In Season Finale

May 8, 2019 by  
Filed under Parish Life

Explaining that the long-awaited appearance of the Starbucks cup during last week’s episode of Game of Thrones was “not at all an accident,” one of the show’s executive producers Bernie Caulfield told viewers on Conan last night that there was “plenty more to see in the coming weeks.” “We’ve always prided ourselves in giving our fans the unexpected, and this was no exception,” Caulfield said, trying her best not reveal any secrets.... Read More

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