World Cup: Trump Rooting For Russia In Hopes Of Finally Having A Team Accept Invitation To White House

June 14, 2018 by  
Filed under Politics

  In his desire to have a team, “any team,” actually want to come visit him, White House officials this morning announced that President Trump is officially rooting for the Russian National Football Team in this year’s World Cup. “I’ve heard the experience of having a championship team come visit the White House is pretty awesome for a president,” a hopeful Trump told reporters this afternoon. “Obama and Bush both told me how cool it... Read More

Baptist Church Removes Bibles From Place Of Worship For Being “Too Catholic”

May 31, 2018 by  
Filed under Parish Life

  Congregants of a Baptist church in South Carolina yesterday unanimously voted to remove all bibles from their church because many believe it’s too “Catholic” for their place of worship. In a letter written to his congregation, Pastor Don Ringle said the bibles would be removed this week. “We have discovered that there are people that view the bible as Catholic in nature,” Ringle wrote, going on to say that the bible was beginning... Read More

LeBron James Becomes Priest; Carries Catholic Church On Back

May 29, 2018 by  
Filed under Parish Life

Image: Andrew Hermiz   Just days after carrying the Cleveland Cavaliers to yet another NBA finals, LeBron James announced that he would be joining the priesthood so as to help carry the Catholic Church on his back. James, who converted to Catholicism the morning after the big win versus the Boston Celtics, was confirmed and ordained a priest, telling those in the congregation that he felt that it was time to leave the Cavs and to “take his talents... Read More

Parishioner Who Makes 350K A Year Anonymously Slips $20 Bill Into Donation Envelope With A Little Wink To Heaven

May 22, 2018 by  
Filed under Parish Life

  According to several reports from Heaven, well-to-do parishioner Herbert Edward Kingsley III took out a crisp $20 bill from his bill fold last Sunday, before secretly placing it into the donation basket. One saint that saw Kingsley’s Godlike humility was longtime saint Thomas Aquinas who said that all that he had seen in Heaven now seemed like straw compared to that which he had witnessed early Sunday morning on earth. “Truly remarkable,”... Read More

Pope Francis Tells Total Prick: “God Loves You, But The Rest Of Us Think You’re An Ass”

May 21, 2018 by  
Filed under Vatican

  A prick, who has been a complete and utter bastard to friends and strangers alike, said Pope Francis recently told him that he being an ass “doesn’t matter” and that “God made you like this.” Pablo Santiago Iglesias, who met with the pope last month, told EOTT about the conversation early this morning in an exclusive interview. “Pablo, that you are a total ass doesn’t matter,” Iglesias said Francis told him. “God... Read More

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