Millions Around The World Shocked To Learn They’ve Been Mourning The Destruction Of A Catholic Cathedral

April 17, 2019 by  
Filed under Parish Life

Telling news reporters that they were in “utter disbelief” that they’ve been mourning the destruction of what they mistakenly believed was nothing more than a “museum of sorts,” people from around the world announced today that they were devastated to learn that Notre Dame is actually a Catholic cathedral. “The Catholic Church stands for everything that is wrong with religion,” said witness Darin Gruber, saying that he would have been rejoicing,... Read More

Local Catholic Scrambling Like Hell To Find A Notre Dame Social Media Filter To Make Everything All Better

April 15, 2019 by  
Filed under Parish Life

Expressing anxiety at not being able to find the perfect Notre Dame Instagram filter to make himself feel better after learning of the fires, local Catholic Denis Moore told friends and family Monday that he may have to cancel plans until one was found. “Today’s been really rough on Denis,” said Moore’s wife, Donna. “It’s our anniversary and he had to cancel. He called in sick from work and hasn’t eaten a bite of food since the news... Read More

Pope Saving Ring Pop All For Himself Today

March 26, 2019 by  
Filed under Vatican

Recent footage of Pope Francis shows him repeatedly pulling his hand away from a line of people attempting to take a lick of his Ring Pop. The one-minute video of Pope Francis not allowing anyone a taste the strawberry flavor of the Ring Pop has drawn much controversy since it surfaced Monday, pitting conservatives against liberals. “He definitely understands the importance of the ring—how yummy it is,” said Jesuit priest Thomas Lovett.... Read More

Homeschool Mom Bribed Hundreds Of Dollars To Get Daughter Into Homeschool

March 14, 2019 by  
Filed under Parish Life

Local mom Annette Bule allegedly paid close to $250 to fix her daughter’s entrance into homeschool. Bule is accused of paying a “fixer,” and close friend of her husband named Anthony Newman, to guarantee that her husband would agree to homeschool their daughter. Annette Bule, along with neighbor Kendell Betts, were among the 3 parents indicted at the conclusion of the Knights of Columbus investigation named “Big White Van.”... Read More

Idiot Middle Schooler Asks If She Can Pray For The Devil

March 12, 2019 by  
Filed under Parish Life

After having been asked for the ninth consecutive week whether the devil could one day go to heaven “if he said sorry and acted good from now on,” local middle school teacher Janice Shiffman acknowledged Monday that she has clearly underestimated just how dumb some student questions can be at times. “The middler schooler in question constantly asks questions like whether she can pray for the devil, even though I’ve told... Read More

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