“Before Washington Was, I AM,” Trump Tells Reporters

August 22, 2019 by  
Filed under Parish Life, Uncategorized

Image: Gage Skidmore Speaking to a small crowd gathered outside the recently relocated American Embassy in Jerusalem, President Trump claimed himself Divine. ​“What people don’t understand is that I AM,” Trump told the crowd. “Before Washington, before the UN, even before Queen Elizabeth! I don’t need to play by their rules, because I make the rules.” ​“It seems that President Trump has personally affirmed what many have long-thought... Read More

Female TAC Student Can’t Believe You’ve Never Read Kristin Lavransdatter

August 21, 2019 by  
Filed under Parish Life, Uncategorized

*Spoilers* Expressing her disbelief that you’ve never read Kristin Lavransdatter, local Thomas Aquinas College student Amanda Jones has announced that she demands that you read the books now, sources have reported. “You have got to be kidding me,” Jones said for the third consecutive time before entering adoration. “How have you never read the series? Were you raised by pagans? Seriously, this series has everything. Think... Read More

New Evidence Suggests the Real Reason St. Peter Denied Jesus Was Because Christ Healed His Mother-in-Law

August 18, 2019 by  
Filed under Parish Life, Uncategorized

By Kevin Kukla (ProLife365.com) In a shocking discovery earlier this month, biblical archeologists uncovered ancient papyri near the tomb of St. Peter in Rome.  They are calling this the “Apocryphal Third Letter of St. Peter.” Biblical scholars have pored over the Greek text and have reported it contains St. Peter’s recording of his conversation with Jesus just outside the gates of Rome, following Christ’s Ascension into heaven.  “Quo... Read More

Young Family Of 8 Who Consistently Make It To Mass On Time Test Positive For Doping

August 11, 2019 by  
Filed under Parish Life, Uncategorized

The Sanderson family of Our Lady of Mt. Carmel parish become the second family to test positive for a banned substance at the 11:00 am morning Mass last month. But according to reports during the Sunday announcements, the substance involved was Opstreperezidine, a stimulant typically used to treat parents suffering from hearing the sound of “mom” and “dad” 500 times a day. This comes just weeks after the Berry’s of... Read More

Aging Priest Calls Weed ‘Devil’s Lettuce’

July 31, 2019 by  
Filed under Parish Life

Pleading to those at Mass this morning to stay away from drugs, local elderly priest Fr. Herb Marinelli called weed “devil’s lettuce” in a last ditch effort to scare them from the drug. “We call it devil’s lettuce for a reason!” Marinelli yelled from the podium, gingerly pounding his fist on the pulpit. “Instead of manna from heaven that the Lord offers, the devil offers us weed—and weed, in any of its deceptive forms is evil, whether... Read More

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