Badass Priest Hears Own Confession

March 7, 2018 by  
Filed under Parish Life

According to several sources this week, well-known local badass priest Fr. Blaze Gunner heard his own confession. “Father Gunner is such a badass,” said longtime parishioner Debbie Ratner. “He bilocated once so that while he was delivering a homily, he could, at the same exact time also go outside and have a cigarette before putting it out on his tongue. The man’s a legend.” Ratner also told EOTT she had once witnessed the cool that is Fr. Blaze... Read More

Rad Trad Woman Just Wants A Good Man Who’s Willing To Wait Till Marriage Before Flagellating

March 6, 2018 by  
Filed under Libs & Trads

Local SSPV woman Deanna Russell confessed to friends late last night that all she wanted in life was a good and holy man who was willing to wait till marriage before flagellating his body. “I don’t know, call me old fashion, but I don’t wanna flagellate my body with just anyone,” she told friends as she sighed, longingly, at the thought of the day when she would share that sacred moment with her husband as both he and she scourged their bodies... Read More

Word On Fire Launches “Catholicism” DVD Box Set Into Space

February 7, 2018 by  
Filed under Parish Life

  The most powerful rocket to leave Earth since Elon Musk’s Falcon Heavy launched from Des Plaines, Illinois this morning. The Fire On The Earth jumbo rocket, developed by flamboyant bishop Robert Barron, held a mannequin carrying a Catholicism DVD box set as it floated into space some time later. Real-time footage from the box set itself shows the series of epic DVD film highlighting the beauty and truth of the Catholic faith travelling at 24,500... Read More

Pope Sees Own Shadow; Predicts Six More Decades Of Francis Papacy

February 5, 2018 by  
Filed under Vatican

  The world’s most famous pope foresees no early end to his papacy. The Pope’s handlers announced Friday that Pope Francis had seen his own shadow earlier that day. Legend has it that if the furry Pope casts a shadow on the feast of St. Agatha, the people of the world are to expect no less that six more decades of the Francis papacy, or at least Francis-like papacy. “It’s really a cool thing to see,” said Alice Moya, just one of the hundreds... Read More

Vatican Shuts Down After Liberals, Rad Trads Can’t Come To An Agreement

January 22, 2018 by  
Filed under Politics

Ricardo André Frantz   Hundreds of thousands of priests from around the world have either been sent back to the rectory or have been told to not show up to say Masses today as clerical furloughs took affect midnight due to the Vatican shutdown. Cardinal Robert Sarah delivered an ominous warning to cardinals gathered at the Vatican this morning, saying that “The shutdown is going to get a lot worse tomorrow if the Pope doesn’t act immediately.” Essential... Read More

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