New National Catholic Reporter Study Shows 99% More Catholics Attend Holy Day Of Obligation When Called Holy Day Of Opportunity

August 15, 2018 by  
Filed under Parish Life

  A new study out today by the National Catholic Reporter Institute says that 99% of Catholics are more likely to attend Mass on a Holy Day of Obligation if it’s called a “Holy Day of Opportunity.” President of the institute Robert Donavan told EOTT that while it’s the same Mass and obligation, most people did not like being told what to do. “The fact is that if people believe that they’re being invited to, as opposed to forced to come... Read More

Frustrated New Priest Still Hasn’t Nailed Down Consecration

August 14, 2018 by  
Filed under Parish Life

  Sadly admitting he had yet to figure out how other priests “did it,” newly ordained Fr. Christian Benson told EOTT this morning that he was still struggling with “the whole consecration part.” “I got the entrance and opening down, and I do a pretty decent job with the homily and all the rest, but the consecration, I don’t know…I just can’t grasp how to transubstantiate,” said Benson, who, at his most recent attempt at the consecration... Read More

Permanent Deacon Has An Assistant And Office For Some Reason

August 13, 2018 by  
Filed under Parish Life

  Walking into St. John of the Cross Parish office to deliver their marriage certificate this week, newly wedded Jack and Helen Trumble confirmed that Deacon Donald Mathers has, for some reason, an assistant. “We were actually shocked when we learned he had a desk of his own,” said Jack Trumble. “But then we noticed he, God only knows why, actually had an office too…with his name on the door. We thought that was kinda weird seeing as how... Read More

Trump Says That He Will Make Aliens Pay For New Space Force

August 9, 2018 by  
Filed under Politics

  President Donald Trump accused Martians of doing nothing to stop aliens from crossing into Earth, and repeated his presidential campaign pledge that Martians would pay for his planned Space Force. If it happened, the Space Force would become the sixth branch of the U.S. Armed Forces. It’s primary objective would be to ensure that no documented or undocumented extraterrestrials ever reached Earth again. “These aliens, you know, they sneak in... Read More

Franciscan University Of Steubenville Student With No Tongue Having Trouble Speaking In Tongues

August 7, 2018 by  
Filed under Parish Life

  Classmates of local Franciscan University Of Steubenville junior Connie Prebis told EOTT this morning that they feared that their friend was in danger of being expelled if she did not quickly learn to speak in tongues. Prebis’ roommate Ashley Barnes recently told EOTT in French, a language she claims to have never spoken before, that, “I know it’s hard for her—with no tongue and all, but she’s just gotta find a way to manage. It’s obviously... Read More

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