Man With “Only God Can Judge Me” Tattoo Most Likely Going To Hell

June 22, 2017 by  
Filed under Parish Life

  Sources at the USCCB confirmed today that notorious womanizer and overall prick Brody Kakedelis, who once attended St. Thomas More Academy, will most likely end up in hell, despite a new tattoo he has on his forearm reading, “Only God Can Judge Me.” 32-year-old Kakedelis, who has reportedly been involved in numerous altercations with law enforcement after nights of binge drinking and getting into fights with at least three live-in girlfriends,... Read More

Prolife Judge Deports Pregnant Illegal Immigrant; Allows Fetus To Stay

June 19, 2017 by  
Filed under Politics

  Prolife judge Anthony Gabel ordered Fairuz Naoum, a pregnant illegal immigrant, to be deported back to Iraq last week, just moments before giving her unborn baby permission to stay in the United States. Gabel told EOTT this morning that 27-year-old Naoum, a Christian living in Dearborn, Michigan, would have to leave the country immediately, though her deportation back to her native Iraq meant a possible death sentence. “I understand the gravity... Read More

YOUCAT Releases YOUROSE, The New Fidget Spinner Rosary

June 15, 2017 by  
Filed under Parish Life

YOUCAT announced last month the release of their new fidget spinner rosary called YOUROSE, a fifty-nine-pronged rosary/toy intended to minimize distraction during prayers, and since then, it has taken the Catholic world by storm. Seen spinning in the hands of children, adults, and now even priests during Mass, YOUROSE has even caught the Pope’s attention, who was seen on video last week during his weekly General Audience praying with his own spinner. Churches... Read More

Oklahoma City Priest Finally Wins Salvation After Joining Forces With Golden State Clergy

June 13, 2017 by  
Filed under Parish Life

Image: Andrew Hermiz

Image: Andrew Hermiz Golden State clergy won eternal salvation last night after they defeated priests in the diocese of Cleveland in a dazzling display of conversions. Determined to make amends for last liturgical season’s debacle, when they allowed Cleveland priests to come back from a 3 to 1 conversion deficit in one of the most stunning and memorable comebacks in Church history, Oakland-based priests came out with an incredible show of spiritual resolve... Read More

USCCB Announces Plans To Come Out With Dark, Gritty Reboot Of The Mass

June 9, 2017 by  
Filed under Parish Life

Dark

  In an effort to attract more young people, the USCCB announced today that they will begin working on a dark, gruesome, and gritty reboot of the Novus Ordo. Speaking with EOTT, Bishop Robert Lombardo, who came up with the idea for the reboot, said that they hope to begin saying the new Mass beginning next fall. “Right now we’re just beginning to work on the new translation, which we’re tentatively calling ‘The Mass: Rise of the Godman.’” Lombardo... Read More

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