Tostitos Fiesta Pentecost Mass One Of Many New Church Sponsorships

Alameda, CA–Following a string of church closures around the country, St. Stephen Parish in Alameda, California has announced plans to have their upcoming Pentecost Mass sponsored by Tostitos. The move comes just months after Los Angeles Bishop Jose Gomez officially changed the name of the city’s cathedral from Cathedral of Our Lady of the Angels to The Buffalo Wild Wings Cathedral. Pastor of St. Stephen Parish Fr. Duncan Conway told reporters... Read More

Area Man Can Finally Hold Head High After “Liking” Jesus On Facebook

Madison, WI––While watching the NBA playoffs and ferociously pounding down an entire six-pack in lieu of Mass this afternoon, 32-year-old off-again, off-again parishioner of St. Perpetua Catholic Church in Madison, Wisconsin Thomas McCain “liked” a page of Jesus, thereby confirming to his wife and kids that he did indeed love Jesus. The post, sent by a friend of Dowels with whom he had not had verbal or physical contact with for over... Read More

Every Holy Day Of Obligation On Liturgical Calendar Deferred To Easter

    A spokesman for the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops announced today that beginning this Saturday evening, every holy day of obligation listed on the Liturgical Calender, including Sundays, would from here on be deferred to Easter. The announcement came as welcomed news to many Catholics who found the near-impossible obligations imposed on them by their bishops simply too difficult to fulfill. Spokesman for the USCCB Sister... Read More

Area Jesuit Excited About New “Clerics” From Tommy Bahama

Seattle, WA––The Seattle-based manufacturer of casual men’s sportswear Tommy Bahama is set to release its highly-anticipated new line of clothing for Jesuits this week. The clothing company, whose men’s sportswear lines already include Tommy Bahama Collection, Tommy Bahama Relax, and Tommy Bahama Denim will begin selling Tommy Bahama Jesuit starting this Saturday. Company Spokesman Richard Snyder told the press Wednesday that there... Read More

Bombing Of St. Augustine High School Traced To Manicheans

Nashville, TN–Police officials reported that their investigation following last week’s tragic bombing of St. Augustine Academy for Boys has led them to three possible suspects, members of an underground Manichean ring of terrorists in the Nashville area. “After the bombing, in which 6 boys and 1 Augustinian priest were injured,” said the Commissioner, “there was a flood of speculation about who would have the heart to commit... Read More

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