Man Dressed As Tabernacle At Halloween Party Ignored; Is Moved To Corner Of Room

October 31, 2013 by  
Filed under Mass

According to reports from several eyewitnesses moments ago, 27-year-old Emmanuel Dickens, who showed up to a Halloween party dressed as his favorite tabernacle, was promptly ignored and escorted to the corner of the room. The party’s host Thomas Martin told EOTT that having Dickens there was “for some reason just kinda putting a damper on the fellowship thing” he was going for. “It’s not necessarily that he’s not wanted... Read More

Pope Michael Comes To Aid Of Deposed Nigerian Prince; Transfers “Sum of USD 5 Millions”

October 27, 2013 by  
Filed under Libs & Trads

Belvue, KS––Speaking from his porcelain throne yesterday, Pope Michael announced to those gathered in the papal living room that, as sign of unity between the Church and the great people of Nigeria, he would be transferring the “sum of USD 5 millions” to an anonymous deposed Nigerian Prince. Citing an email he received just days prior, Pope Michael told those gathered that his heart went out to the Nigerian prince, and to all the... Read More

Marty Haugen Music To Be Outlawed Under New Geneva Convention Resolution

October 24, 2013 by  
Filed under Politics

Geneva, Switzerland–New guidelines set down by the international community during the fifth Geneva Convention this week has extensively defined the basic, spiritual wartime rights of the Church Militant by outlawing all Marty Haugen music used in and around war-zones. What is officially being called The Geneva Convention relative to the Protection of Parishioners in Times of Spiritual War has become the fifth convention establishing the standards... Read More

Clown At Circus Mass Reprimanded For Honking Sanctus Horn At Wrong Part Of Consecration

October 20, 2013 by  
Filed under Libs & Trads

Sources say that just minutes after a Circus Mass at St. Pius X Catholic Church concluded earlier this morning, Church Pastor and Ring Master Fr. Reggie Smith reprimanded a clown deacon for having honked the Sanctus Horn several seconds after the consecration. “The GIRM clearly states that a little before the Consecration, when appropriate, a server honks a horn as a signal to the audience,” an infuriated Smith told EOTT as he kissed and... Read More

Replica Of Shroud Of Turin Replica On Display In Wilmington, Delaware

October 17, 2013 by  
Filed under Parish Life

Wilmington, DE––A replica of the replica of the Shroud of Turin, the hand painted copy of the replica of the shroud believed to have been wrapped around Jesus after his death, went on display today in Wilmington, Delaware. “It’s amazing to look at,” Fr. Jerome Franklin of St. Matthew Catholic Church said. “I mean the people, not the Shroud. It’s amazing to just look out at all these Catholics come to venerate a replica... Read More

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