Irish Priests To Extend Confession Times To 8 Hours A Day Because Of “Gargantuan” Number Of Penitents

January 16, 2014 by  
Filed under Mass

DUBLIN––At the annual conference of the Association of Catholic Priests in Dublin, pastors from across Ireland gathered to voice their concerns about the “gargantuan” number of Catholics going to confession. “This is a full blown crisis,” said Father Brian O’Brian from County Derry. “It’s causing severe pastoral strain on parishes up and down the country.” Father Seamus O’Shea echoed O’Brian’s concerns, going... Read More

Pope Encourages Women To Reveal Breasts In Sistine Chapel, Feminist Newspaper Reports

January 13, 2014 by  
Filed under Libs & Trads

VATICAN––“He is 77, celibate, and the Vicar of Christ; a role which, up until his papacy, was known for its prudishness,” Evi Quinn, journalist for the feminist newspaper The Revolution wrote this morning. “But Pope Francis has been quickly evolving the papacy into a more liberal and open-minded position in the Catholic Church, becoming an improbable leader of public nudity, encouraging mothers to reveal their breasts in public.” The Pope’s... Read More

Seating For Mass Turns Chaotic After Ushers Call In Sick

January 12, 2014 by  
Filed under Mass

Moments after riot police stormed the church to restore order in the pews. Mass at St. Alphonsus Parish quickly turned chaotic earlier this morning after all eight ushers called in sick with the flu. 66-year-old Herman Wible, who one of the first to arrive for the early-morning liturgy, said that “At first I thought that the ushers would soon arrive, so I just waited outside. But by 6:55, as more people arrived, it became clear that no ushers were showing... Read More

Pope Francis Aides Conspired to Snarl Communion Line Traffic in Basilica of Cardinal Who Did Not Cast Vote for Him

January 10, 2014 by  
Filed under Politics

VATICAN––It was revealed today that senior assistants to Pope Francis conspired to snarl lines for Holy Communion in the basilica of a “rival Cardinal.”  In an EOTT exclusive, an anonymous source said that some of Pope Francis’ top aides remained bitter toward supporters of an undisclosed papal candidate who came close to being elected at the March 2013 conclave. Information leaked from the papal election named Santos Abril y Castello, Archpriest... Read More

What The Hell Kinda Name Is ‘Marcial Maciel,’ Anyway, New Study Asks

January 9, 2014 by  
Filed under Vatican

VATICAN–The Vatican is asking Catholics to participate in a global survey that asks, “What the hell kinda name is Marcial Maciel, anyway?” The survey, which deals with challenges facing the apostolate after some admitted that their late founder, Father Marcial Maciel, had not been a saintly man, but had been addicted to drugs, fathered children, and was most probably guilty of sexually abusing seminarians. “We ask a few questions in the survey,”... Read More

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