Priest Accidentally Leaves Lapel Mic On In Confessional; Your Darkest, Deepest Secrets Revealed To Everyone

January 30, 2014 by  
Filed under Parish Life

Your Parish–It was reported today that your parish pastor Father John Frank accidently left his lapel mic on after having finished saying Mass, consequently revealing to everyone in the church all of your deepest and darkest secrets. The news came just moments after revealing for the first time that thing you did during the summer of ’98, and all the people that suffered as a consequence... Read More

Irish Priests To Extend Confession Times To 8 Hours A Day Because Of “Gargantuan” Number Of Penitents

January 16, 2014 by  
Filed under Mass

DUBLIN––At the annual conference of the Association of Catholic Priests in Dublin, pastors from across Ireland gathered to voice their concerns about the “gargantuan” number of Catholics going to confession. “This is a full blown crisis,” said Father Brian O’Brian from County Derry. “It’s causing severe pastoral strain on parishes up and down the country.” Father... Read More

Android Priests Being Developed To Help Say Mass, Hear Confessions

August 27, 2013 by  
Filed under Mass

Prototype clergydroid Fr. SRT4-11392 celebrating its first wedding ceremony. Vatican––The Vatican has confirmed reports today that an agreement has been reached with the International Federation of Robotics (IFR) to begin development of what they are calling “Clergydroids.” The news comes as relief to many seminary directors around the world that have seen their numbers plummet... Read More

Woman Cannot Seriously Still Be In Confessional

August 1, 2013 by  
Filed under Parish Life

Long Island, NY–While patiently waiting in line for confessions earlier this afternoon, parishioners of St. Jude parish in Long Island, New York were questioning whether or not someone had actually entered the confessional at all. After waiting some fifteen minutes, a frustrated parishioner, Betty Swaim, told EOTT that she could have sworn that she heard laughter coming from the confessional.... Read More

Report: Man Who’s Never Killed Anyone Or Anything Like That Doesn’t Need To Go To Confession

June 9, 2013 by  
Filed under Parish Life, Uncategorized

Pittsburgh, PA––A new report out today by area Catholic Marcus Dietrich’s conscience revealed that the 31-year-old father of two is most certainly not in need of the Sacrament of Confession, thanks to never having killed anyone or anything terrible like that. Data compiled by Dietrich after a moment’s reflection upon entering church this morning also showed that he was, indeed,... Read More

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