Pope Retracts Punch In The Face Remark; Says He Would Kick Them In Nuts

January 16, 2015 by  
Filed under Vatican

En route to the Philippines from Sri Lanka yesterday, Pope Francis said that he was ready to “punch” anyone who insults his mother, showing that there are limits to freedom of expression. “We have a duty to speak openly. To have this freedom, but without offending. It’s true that you cannot react with violence, but if my aide Doctor Gasbarri, who is a friend, badmouths my mother, a punch would be coming for him,” Francis said... Read More

Priest Really Can’t Wait to Hear Your Whole Life Story in Confessional

January 12, 2015 by  
Filed under Parish Life

Sources reported earlier today that Fr. David Bryant, Pastor at St. Josephat Catholic Church in Santa Barbara, is really looking forward to hearing your entire life story during confession today. “I see the Sacrament of Reconciliation not so much as an instrument of grace and forgiveness of sins as much as a time for you to state every event that has happened to you in minute detail, the same way you did last week,” Fr. Bryant stated. “Don’t worry... Read More

Pope Francis To Raffle Off Papacy To Aid Poor

January 6, 2015 by  
Filed under Vatican

As spiritual leader of over 1.2 billion Catholics, Pope Francis has received hundreds of gifts from devotees and world leaders since his election in 2013. But now Pope Francis is cleaning out his closet and raffling off items that range from a Fiat to the papacy to raise money for the poor, according to the Holy See. The pope’s raffle of items that not only include the papacy, but will also reportedly include every item in the Vatican Library, as... Read More

Catholic Cyborgs Being Developed To Help Fill Churches

January 2, 2015 by  
Filed under Mass

The Congregation for the Development of Mechanical Persons (CDMP) announced today that they have successfully developed their first batch of cyborg parishioners to help fill pews. The exciting news comes as the Church struggles with a world-wide Mass attendance shortage. But the move is being seen by some skeptics as a “cheap fix.” “You can’t simply fill a Church with mindless robots and think you’ve solved the issue,” said an anonymous Church... Read More

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