A Melancholy Pope Michael Still Waiting For U.S. Delegates, Welcoming Committee To Pick Him Up From D.C. Airport

September 24, 2015 by  
Filed under Libs & Trads

Photo: AndrewHermez

Photo: AndrewHermez


Pope Michael landed in Washington, D.C. for the first time on Tuesday, launching a six-day visit that will highlight his love for the Tridentine Mass and his desire to tackle the Church’s most significant political controversies.

In an unprecedented welcome for a Church dignitary, the manager at the airport’s Orange Julius, his wife, and their daughters, along with 17-year-old Sbarro cashier and his on-again, off-again girlfriend, traveled to Gate C-17 from the food court to greet the pontiff.

“I saw that one documentary about him…that was funny, so when I heard he was here, I totally had to come take a selfie with him to post,” Sbarro cashier Timmy Ryland said, before telling EOTT that the 65-year-old conclavist kept asking “weird questions” like whether [Ryland] and his girlfriend were  U.S. dignitaries arriving from the capital to pick him up for his “big talk to congress.”

“He kept lifting his hand to my face to kiss his ring and I was like, umm…eww, no,” Rylands on-again, off-again girlfriend Taylor Bellman reported.

On the plane to Washington, D.C., Michael held an 80-minute press conference with fellow passengers, all of whom he mistook to be members of the press, telling them that he was happy to make his first D.C. visit, and asked everyone to pray for him, before one passenger reportedly shouted at him to “shut up, already.”

After a brief private meeting with the manager of Orange Julius at Luggage Claim, Pope Michael climbed into a simple black Fiat hatchback with an Uber sticker on the window, much in keeping with his desire to live a humble life as he does in Kansas with his mother and the other handful of people that elected him Pope in 1990.

“Yeah, I called him an Uber,” Orange Julius manager Barry Minkler told EOTT. “I felt bad. The guy’s been sitting here waiting for some sort of dignitary or welcoming committee to come pick him up. So I told Timmy over at SBarro that we should go greet him and send him on his way.”

At press time, the Uber driver who picked up Pope Michael from the airport is asking him to stop getting out of the car at every red light to greet and bless people on the street.

  • Uxi

    Why doesn’t he rock a white cassock anyway?

    • Michael Bowes

      The white cassock was picked because of a Pope that was Dominican and it stuck as the color of clothes for the Pope ever since. =)

      • Uxi

        That’s the legend. Yet, Sixtus VI was painted before St. Pius V also wearing a white cassock…


        Raphael painted Julius II in a white cassock in The_Mass_at_Bolsena before St. Pius V between 1512 and 1514, as well as the Portrait of Pope Leo X with two Cardinals in a white cassock (with red mozetta) somewhere around 1517.

        There are others, as well…

  • pegleggreg

    many, many pope michaels out there. God bless them

  • MamaFactotum

    Breaking news: Secret Service tackled a man claiming to be Pope and found on White House lawn “prepping for his opening remarks.”

  • MamaFactotum

    Actually, Michael is a weirdly tragic figure. He reminds me of Peter Boyle’s character in “The Dream Team.” ‘Stop! Who dares tow the van of the living Christ?!’

    • I find him weird but not tragic. His mother was one of the “Cardinals” who elected him Pope. For someone who loves tradition at all costs THAT is weird, since it goes against everything else he claims to believe in. But they do watch ‘Wheel of Fortune” together and if that is not family togetherness what is???

  • AugustaMia

    True story: Seeing his blue cassock reminded me … We had a fellow in a blue cassock show up at our parish. He walked up to the statue of Our Lady and began angrily scolding Our Lady. At the weekday Mass when he tried to receive Eucharist, our pastor refused and called for 3 beefy male parishioners to show him the exit. He left loudly protesting and warning our priest. (We later heard he was detained by police.) In 7 decades as a cradle Catholic that was the only time I’ve ever seen someone refused Communion. You can bet I along with others that morning prayed for angelic protection, especially for our pastor.

  • samton909

    Just wait until Cardinal Kasper shows up at Pope Michael’s synod for the family.

  • Renata

    ALL his followers at that time, including all the original electors — except momma — left him in 2007-2008 because they found out that he was never able to be elected pope, especially by lay people. He now lives in Topeka with a new set of “fans” he collected on Facebook and his mother lives nearby in an assisted living facility.

  • oldfashionedplain

    “Pope Michael” is not a very rational man. I suspect he may suffer from some mental illness best diagnosed and treated by competent professionals. It always surprises me though, every time I read an article about him, on any Catholic media, how uncharitable the writers and commentators are.

    • samton909

      Yeah, sometimes they even suggest he is mentally ill.

    • Thibaud313

      I don’t know I think the Eye of the Tiber’s articles show great sympathy for him.

      And to be honest, I think it’s very likely that many Eye of the Tiber’s readers may like Pope Michael much more than Pope Francis right now.

  • Lee Bacchi

    Is Pope Michael a real person? I was under the impression he was a satire concocted by this satirical site. Where can I find out more about him? Or are the following comments satire on a satire?

    • AJ Jackson

      Pope Michael is a real person

    • Lenny Leonards
    • Anthony Zarrella

      Unfortunately (and somewhat tragically, as MamaFactotum notes), he’s very real. I’ve actually had a month-long internet debate against one of his followers (and yes, I’m quite certain the gentleman wasn’t trolling me).