People Preparing McCarrick Report Same People As Counting Votes In Nevada

After days of ballot counting in Nevada, officials from the state revealed earlier this morning that they were, in fact, the same people that were... Read More

Mass

“We’re Taking All The Good Seats On Christmas, And You’re Gonna Stand There And Like It,” Nominal Catholics Report

YOUR PARISH––”We’re taking every pew and every freaking seat in the house tonight and tomorrow, and you’re just gonna have to stand there and like it,” bitter Christmas/Easter Catholics told the nation’s practicing... Read More

Fr. Zuhlsdorf Installs Electric Altar Rails; 2 Women Injured

It is being reported that the two unidentified Catholics who rushed the altar this morning to assist Fr. John Zuhlsdorf during the Mass were injured after they were shocked by electric altar rails installed by the priest. The well-known Catholic... Read More

Liturgical Dancer Tests Positive For Performance-Enhancing Drugs

It is being reported this morning that world-renowned liturgical dancer Doris Griffin has tested positive for performance-enhancing drugs. A USCCB spokesman said that trace amounts of an illegal substance were found in Griffin’s blood... Read More

New State-Of-The-Art Church Promises Comforts Of The Future

LONDON––A new state-of-the-art church in London opened today with Christmas/Easter size crowds eager for an opportunity to experience the next generation of churches. St. Joseph Cupertino Parish pastor Roger O’Malley gave Eye of... Read More

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Libs & Trads

Notre Dame Linebacker Duped Into Playing For Fake Catholic University

South Bend, IN––According to sources within the University of Notre Dame last week, star linebacker Manti Te’o was “duped” into attending... Read More

Local Man Demands Pope Create Commission To Study Role Of Insufferable Catholics In The Church

  Local man Tim Sutherland announced this morning that he was demanding that Pope Francis create a commission to study the historical role of insufferable... Read More

Jesuit Celebrates Halloween By Dressing Up In “Priest Costume”

Hoping to surprise his family and friends at Holy Trinity Parish’s annual Halloween Breakfast this morning, local Jesuit Fr. Walter Allen arrived dressed... Read More

PHOTO: J. Scott Applewhite / AP Photo

Nuns On Bus Scour Ohio In Search of Misplaced Veils

OHIO––A group of Catholic nuns began a 1,000 mile bus tour through Ohio this week asking locals whether or not they have seen their veils. The group of about... Read More

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Politics

Nancy Pelosi Recites Her Favorite Bible Verse: “What Doesn’t Kill You Makes You Stronger”

Image: Gage Skidmore House Speaker Nancy Pelosi quoted her favorite... Read More

Expert Analysis From Community College World Religions Teacher On CNN

Royal Oak, MI–Just minutes after black smoke rose above the Sistine... Read More

As Israel And Palestine Brace For War, Vatican Set To March On Jerusalem

TEL AVIV––After days of Israeli bombings in and around Gaza, Hamas... Read More

Landmark Win For Individuals Who Experience And Act Upon An Exclusive Or Predominant Attraction Toward Persons Of The Same Sex

Washington, DC––In a landmark win for thousands of people across America... Read More

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Vatican

USCCB Restricts Free Spread Of Lumen Fidei; “Just Like St. Paul Did With Book Of Galations.”

Washington, DC––Just a week after the USCCB accused popular Catholic blogger... Read More

Cardinal Sarah Gives Permission For Priests To Have Their Feet Washed By 12 Women

Image: WikiCommons Priest are not obligated to wash the feet of women during the... Read More

Pope Francis Says He Would Baptise Aliens

Pope Francis has said that he would be willing to baptise aliens if they came to... Read More

Vatican Picks Up Free Agent Tim Tebow

VATICAN––Last year, after being released by his second NFL team, Tim Tebow sat... Read More

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