Woman Shocked To Learn Her Daughter Eloping In Vegas After Doing Nothing to Catechize Her

February 22, 2017 by  
Filed under Libs & Trads

Image: Antoine Tavenaeux

Image: Antoine Tavenaeux Local Catholic Marissa Vaughan was saddened to learn this afternoon that her daughter had decided to elope in Las Vegas after years of not doing jack to catechize her. In what came as a “complete and utter shock,” a tearful Vaughan told EOTT this morning that the decision was very much disappointing, especially considering how much money she and her husband spent on “Catholic school.” “I’m not... Read More

Knights Of Columbus Amassing Troops In Preparation For Vatican Takeover Of Malta

January 26, 2017 by  
Filed under Libs & Trads

Tensions have escalated between conservative and liberal Catholics today as Knights of Columbus members amassed on Malta’s border, which was recently annexed by the Vatican. Maltese U.N. Ambassador Marcallino Galea told EOTT this morning that the Knights of Columbus had amassed more than 40,000 knights on the border of Malta. “These numbers may reflect some very bad intentions and this is the last thing we would like to happen,”... Read More

As 2000th Anniversary of Pentecost Approaches, God Still Refuses to Clarify Ambiguous Passages of Scripture

January 13, 2017 by  
Filed under Libs & Trads

Advocates of family values and traditional marriage spoke out today, demanding again that Jesus Christ clarify his words, “If any one comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple. (Lk 14:26). “This wildly ambiguous remark can easily be taken as an attack on the institution of the family itself. We are gravely concerned that Jesus... Read More

Traditionalists Sanction Protestant Communities Over Vatican II Liturgical Hacks

December 29, 2016 by  
Filed under Libs & Trads

In a drastic move to secure traditionalist Catholics from liturgical hackers, the Burke administration on Thursday slapped a number of Protestant communities and individuals with sanctions over their alleged Vatican II hacks of the Mass. “These actions follow repeated private and public warnings that we have issued to Protestants, and are a necessary and appropriate response to efforts to harm the sanctity of the Mass in violation of established... Read More

Second Year Of Mercy To Allow An Individual’s Conscience To Absolve One’s Own Sins

December 27, 2016 by  
Filed under Libs & Trads

The Vatican announced today that they will be opening a second Year of Mercy. The initiative is intended to address the crisis in the sacrament of confession and is being called, “The Year of Mercy: A Second Helping.” “Over half of the confessions in the Church today are invalid because the faithful actually do not believe any of their actions are sinful,” Cardinal Thomas Olvelli explained. “Without an actual sin confessed,... Read More

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