Parishioner Believes She Might Have Just Understood A Word Visiting Nigerian Priest Said During Homily

May 22, 2015 by  
Filed under Mass

Claiming that she was almost certain she had comprehend a word the new visiting Nigerian priest used during the homily, longtime parishioner Abby Longworth excitedly turned to friends and fellow parishioners today to inform them of the good news. “I wouldn’t put my life on it, but I think he said ‘magisterium,’” Longworth whispered to parishioners, adding that she thinks he may have also used the word “obedient,” which, if her assumption... Read More

Study Finds That Tripping Over Vestments And Falling On Face During Mass Sucks A Lot

May 19, 2015 by  
Filed under Mass

According to a new study by the USCCB, tripping over your vestments while walking to the altar before falling face first in front of everyone you just passive-aggressively burned during the homily for not donating enough sucks big time. “Of the priests that we studied, almost all of them showed signs suggesting that gracefully ascending the steps to the altar as planned is much better than getting your feet caught in your vestments, then stumbling for... Read More

Eucharistic Minister Sanitizing Hell Out Of Hands Before Distributing Communion

April 14, 2015 by  
Filed under Mass

Local Eucharistic Minister Courtney Smith has been sanitizing the living hell out her hands for the past two minutes in preparation to distribute Holy Communion, parishioners are reporting. According to parishioners at the 9:30 morning Mass at St. Kieran Catholic Church, 57-year-old Smith was seen “pumping the crap out of the sanitizing dispenser like there was no tomorrow.” “She’s actually still up there sanitizing away,” parishioner Joseph... Read More

Vatican Approves New Emoji Translation Of Mass

April 9, 2015 by  
Filed under Mass

The Vatican announced today that Pope Francis has approved a new emoji translation of the Mass to help young adults more actively follow along during church services. “We’ve found that most young adults can no longer read complete sentences or even complete words,” said Vatican spokesman Ronaldo Bernini, going to say that the minority of young adults that can read, cannot do so fast enough to keep up with the blistering pace of the Mass. “We still... Read More

Man Goes To Mass To Seek Out Intimate Encounter With Neighbor

March 13, 2015 by  
Filed under Mass

Explaining how forcefully and extensively the centrality of an intimate encounter with the person of our neighbor is to the spiritual life, local Catholic Jonathan Duggan invited friends to Mass this morning so that they too could experience the loving embrace of neighbor. “The Mass is the primary place for an intimate encounter with our neighbor,” Duggan said. “The Church ask those who make up the Body of Christ to gather at least... Read More

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