Study Finds That Tripping Over Vestments And Falling On Face During Mass Sucks A Lot

May 19, 2015 by  
Filed under Mass

According to a new study by the USCCB, tripping over your vestments while walking to the altar before falling face first in front of everyone you just passive-aggressively burned during the homily for not donating enough sucks big time.

“Of the priests that we studied, almost all of them showed signs suggesting that gracefully ascending the steps to the altar as planned is much better than getting your feet caught in your vestments, then stumbling for a few feet as you pathetically attempt to regain balance before finally falling face first onto the third step leading to the altar,” said the USCCB’s lead researcher Monsignor William Hess, adding that, on average, it was 77% suckier to trip while attempting to rise from a genuflection before stumbling head first into the altar than it was to simply rise and continue the Mass.

The study also showed that while falling face first during the Mass sucks a whole heck of a lot, that it was close to 99% less sucky to trip and fall during Mass when the priest brings down the altar servers and deacon with him during the entrance procession because it “looks like human dominoes.”

At press time, the USCCB is mandating that every parish have at least one parishioner with a “banana peel slip” sound effect on their phone ready to play should the priest stumble and fall again.