Outrage After Man Butchers Beloved Liturgy In Zimbabwe

August 3, 2015 by  
Filed under Mass

A priest arrested in the butchering of a beloved Mass in Zimbabwe was released Wednesday by an ecclesiastical court on $1,000 bail. Fr. Theo Braxton, a professional Mass butcher since the 1960’s, said through his attorney that he was innocent of ruining a Mass in Zimbabwe, after he was asked to cover for a sick priest while vacation in the southern part of Africa. Church officials in Zimbabwe said Friday that killing the beloved Mass could bring a sentence... Read More

Parishioner Believes She Might Have Just Understood A Word Visiting Nigerian Priest Said During Homily

May 22, 2015 by  
Filed under Mass

Claiming that she was almost certain she had comprehend a word the new visiting Nigerian priest used during the homily, longtime parishioner Abby Longworth excitedly turned to friends and fellow parishioners today to inform them of the good news. “I wouldn’t put my life on it, but I think he said ‘magisterium,’” Longworth whispered to parishioners, adding that she thinks he may have also used the word “obedient,” which, if her assumption... Read More

Study Finds That Tripping Over Vestments And Falling On Face During Mass Sucks A Lot

May 19, 2015 by  
Filed under Mass

According to a new study by the USCCB, tripping over your vestments while walking to the altar before falling face first in front of everyone you just passive-aggressively burned during the homily for not donating enough sucks big time. “Of the priests that we studied, almost all of them showed signs suggesting that gracefully ascending the steps to the altar as planned is much better than getting your feet caught in your vestments, then stumbling for... Read More

Eucharistic Minister Sanitizing Hell Out Of Hands Before Distributing Communion

April 14, 2015 by  
Filed under Mass

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Local Eucharistic Minister Courtney Smith has been sanitizing the living hell out her hands for the past two minutes in preparation of distributing Holy Communion, parishioners are reporting. According to parishioners at the 9:30 morning Mass at St. Kieran Catholic Church, 57-year-old Smith was seen pumping the crap out of the sanitizing dispenser like there was “no tomorrow.” “She’s actually still up there, sanitizing away,” parishioner Joseph... Read More

Vatican Approves New Emoji Translation Of Mass

April 9, 2015 by  
Filed under Mass

The Vatican announced today that Pope Francis has approved a new emoji translation of the Mass to help young adults more actively follow along during church services. “We’ve found that most young adults can no longer read complete sentences or even complete words,” said Vatican spokesman Ronaldo Bernini, going to say that the minority of young adults that can read, cannot do so fast enough to keep up with the blistering pace of the Mass. “We still... Read More

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