The “Brown Note” Proven True Seconds After “Gather Us In” Begins

August 25, 2014 by  
Filed under Mass

The infrasonic sound that some have said causes people to lose control of their bowels was proven true just seconds after the hymn Gather Us In began last Sunday. Director of Acoustic Resonance and Church Worship at the Vatican Michelle Klinsmann said today that, although the frequency needed to hit the supposed brown note is said to be between 5 and 9 Hz, that the hymn Gather Us In “defied science.”  “It was fascinating to see that... Read More

Monday Morning Priest Would’ve Said Mass Completely Different

February 3, 2014 by  
Filed under Mass

Denver, CO––After having attended Mass yesterday evening, Denver native and layman Jeffrey Baines went on his public access television show Clerical Primetime this morning to criticize his parish pastor Father Roger Manning of quitting midway through Mass. Manning had nearly a quarter of his usual parishioners show up for his late Sunday evening Mass just an hour after the  Superbowl aired. “It was a really empty at Mass,” a worked up... Read More

New Eco-Friendly Church Using Biodegradable Chalice

January 26, 2014 by  
Filed under Mass

LONDON––Speaking to an assembly of Catholic priests in London yesterday, Pastor of St. Philip Neri Catholic Church in nearby Chigwell, England Fr. Timothy Rooney announced yesterday that he would be transforming his church into a more eco-friendly environment, and encouraged those gathered to follow his lead. “Parishioners considering our churches as a place to pray will ask about our green initiatives. It is important for us to reassure them... Read More

Pope Francis To Defrock 300 Priests For Failing To Say ‘Good Morning’ At The Beginning Of Mass

January 19, 2014 by  
Filed under Mass

VATICAN––Shortly after it was revealed that his predecessor, Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI, defrocked 400 priests for sexual abuse of minors, Pope Francis decreed the immediate removal of priestly faculties for 300 priests from Europe and the Americas who were found in defiance of liturgical norms and persistently refused to greet parishioners with the traditional “Good Morning” liturgical salutation. “The rubrics are clear in this regard;... Read More

Irish Priests To Extend Confession Times To 8 Hours A Day Because Of “Gargantuan” Number Of Penitents

January 16, 2014 by  
Filed under Mass

DUBLIN––At the annual conference of the Association of Catholic Priests in Dublin, pastors from across Ireland gathered to voice their concerns about the “gargantuan” number of Catholics going to confession. “This is a full blown crisis,” said Father Brian O’Brian from County Derry. “It’s causing severe pastoral strain on parishes up and down the country.” Father Seamus O’Shea echoed O’Brian’s concerns, going... Read More

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