Knoxville, TN––Lector at St. Hildegund Catholic Church in Nashville, Tennessee Helen Banks is currently questioning why parishioners are neglecting to sing the Responsory after clearly being given the cue to respond. “Why ain’t hardly nobody singin’?” Banks is thinking to herself as she raises up her arms in the air for yet another attempt. “‘The Lord has done great things for us…we are filled with joy.’ Nothing? What’s wrong with you people? Hold on, let me try again…alright, Banks, you can do this…inspire these people…raise your hands up real high, palms up, like you were taught, smile and nod, condescendingly…aaaand go…’The Lord has done great things for us…we are filled with joy.’ Come on!” At press time, Banks has put a halt to the Responsory to remind the parishioners that the Responsory can be found on page 253 of the hymnal…that’s 253 of the hymnal.
Toronto, Canada––Pastor of St. Dwenden Catholic Church in Toronto, Canada Ben Gregory was forced to postpone the consecration for nearly two hours early Sunday morning after lead usher Kevin Sarkosy was unsuccessful in locating anyone willing to bring up the bread and wine for the presentation of the gifts at Mass. “Obviously the presentation is as important to the Mass as the consecration is…everyone knows that,” Sarkosy told Eye of the Tiber as he and three others searched, frantically, for a willing family to present the gifts. “In fact, I go as far as to say that the laity’s role in presenting the gifts is as important as Father Gregory’s is in consecrating it. Without Mary’s Fiat, after all, there is no Jesus to be born; and without the laity’s Fiat in presenting, there is no bread to become Jesus…if you think about like that.” Sarkosy went on to report that everyone was acting very peculiar as he approached them to ask whether they would be interested in participating. “They all had their heads down…like they were praying or something,” Sarkosy chuckled. “I mean, me and my wife would’ve done it, of course, except that we had the money baskets to carry.
Las Vegas, NV––Citing a large demand for his Folk Mass illusion, part-time magician Fr. George Richmond of Las Vegas, Nevada told reporters Sunday that he would begin to perform the trick every Sunday at 9:00 am. “I remember last time I performed the illusion, I was able to make nearly every one of my parishioners disappear,” said Richmond, noting that he has many other tricks as well, including Clown Mass and Gay Mass illusions. ”The Folk Mass, though, is my favorite, and easily one of the most difficult for me to successfully perform.” Richmond later noted his inability to make anyone above the age of 50 or 60 disappear. “I’m still at a loss at what I’m doing wrong there. I’m only able to make a few of the older generation parishioners vanish during the trick, whereas every young person in attendance vanishes as expected. Another issue is that I still haven’t found a way to make anyone reappear after the trick is completed. It’s kinda like sawing the woman in half and forgetting how to make her whole again.”
West Bloomfield, MI––A source out of St. Ulric Catholic Church in West Bloomfield, Michigan confirmed Sunday that parishioner Alexander Ramsey had not lifted a finger to assist in putting up or down the kneeler for the consecration. “I can see he’s a really big guy, but come on…I know he can reach down a foot,” the source told Eye of the Tiber. “Or just use your foot, for goodness sakes. It’s not difficult…look,” he said, going on to show how it was done, putting it up then down, then up again and down again. “Oh, how hard and straining that was,” he said, mockingly, as he wiped invisible sweat from his forehead. “Look, I’m not an idiot,” the source later confirmed. “I know exactly what’s going on here. Every time I reach down for the kneeler he moves his hand toward the kneeler as if he was just about to do it. It’s alright. He may think he can pull one over on me, but he can’t pull one over God.”
Fort Worth, TX––77-year-old Richard Kantor of Fort Worth, Texas is reporting at this hour that he ain’t no gay, and therefore not gonna hold another man’s hand during the Our Father. “I ain’t gonna do it. Never did, never will. Wanna hold my hand, ask me on a date; but don’t expect nothing less than a whack upside the head with this here stick, you hear me?” Kantor, who says he typically prefers Latin Mass because there is “no funny business” going on there, said that the last time a man tried holding his hand during the Our Father, he broke two of his fingers. “Turned out to be my son…that one I regret. Still, he shoulda known better then to get all nancy with his old man.” At press time, Kantor was attending a local Novus Ordo, brimming with the anticipation of breaking another couple fingers for the sake of orthodoxy and heterosexuality.