Catholic Cyborgs Being Developed To Help Fill Churches

January 2, 2015 by  
Filed under Mass

The Congregation for the Development of Mechanical Persons (CDMP) announced today that they have successfully developed their first batch of cyborg parishioners to help fill pews. The exciting news comes as the Church struggles with a world-wide Mass attendance shortage. But the move is being seen by some skeptics as a “cheap fix.” “You can’t simply fill a Church with mindless robots and think you’ve solved the issue,” said an anonymous Church... Read More

Elderly Woman Mumbling Words Of Consecration From Pew

December 16, 2014 by  
Filed under Mass

Image: John Snyder

Parishioners at the Catholic parish of St. Adelaide let out a sigh of relief during Mass this morning after parishioner Veronica Hough validated the consecration by mumbling the words of institution along with the priest. Many parishioners reported to EOTT after the Mass that they were afraid 74-year-old Hough had forgotten her duty as co-consecrator after parish priest Fr. Ronald Sterling began the consecration without her. “There was a couple seconds... Read More

Pope’s New Crossguard Lightsaber Crosier Stirring Up Controversy With Liturgical Purists

December 3, 2014 by  
Filed under Mass

VATICAN — Vatican television took the liturgical world by storm last Friday by giving Catholics their very first official look at a short teaser trailer from the upcoming papal Christmas Mass. Focusing much of the trailer on new cantors and deacons that will play a role in the Mass, the 88-second Christmas Mass teaser had many excited about Christmas. But along with those feelings of Christmas ecstasy came some controversy with liturgical purists... Read More

The “Brown Note” Proven True Seconds After “Gather Us In” Begins

August 25, 2014 by  
Filed under Mass

The infrasonic sound that some have said causes people to lose control of their bowels was proven true just seconds after the hymn Gather Us In began last Sunday. Director of Acoustic Resonance and Church Worship at the Vatican Michelle Klinsmann said today that, although the frequency needed to hit the supposed brown note is said to be between 5 and 9 Hz, that the hymn Gather Us In “defied science.”  “It was fascinating to see that... Read More

Monday Morning Priest Would’ve Said Mass Completely Different

February 3, 2014 by  
Filed under Mass

Denver, CO––After having attended Mass yesterday evening, Denver native and layman Jeffrey Baines went on his public access television show Clerical Primetime this morning to criticize his parish pastor Father Roger Manning of quitting midway through Mass. Manning had nearly a quarter of his usual parishioners show up for his late Sunday evening Mass just an hour after the  Superbowl aired. “It was a really empty at Mass,” a worked up... Read More

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