“Pope Literally Meant A Flamboyantly Decorated Lobby,” Vatican Clarifies

June 12, 2013 by  
Filed under Uncategorized, Vatican

VATICAN–Being interviewed via Skype hours ago, Spokesman for the Vatican Press Office Monsignor Bernard Hopkins clarified recent remarks made to a Latin American Church group by Pope Francis admitting the existence of a “gay lobby” in the Vatican. “It is true what the Holy Father said about there being a gay lobby in the Vatican, but it is not as many have speculated,” Hopkins told Eye of the Tiber from inside the site... Read More

Report: Man Who’s Never Killed Anyone Or Anything Like That Doesn’t Need To Go To Confession

June 9, 2013 by  
Filed under Parish Life, Uncategorized

Pittsburgh, PA––A new report out today by area Catholic Marcus Dietrich’s conscience revealed that the 31-year-old father of two is most certainly not in need of the Sacrament of Confession, thanks to never having killed anyone or anything terrible like that. Data compiled by Dietrich after a moment’s reflection upon entering church this morning also showed that he was, indeed, in a proper disposition to receive Communion despite a... Read More

“Sedevacantist Singles” Employees Not Sure Whether To Recognize Authority Of Company President

June 6, 2013 by  
Filed under Libs & Trads, Uncategorized

Seattle, WA–After being called in to a meeting by Sedevacantist Singles President Michael Hoffman early Thursday morning, employees of the ultra-traditionalist dating site were perplexed as to whether to acknowledge their CEO’s authority, and to attend the mandatory meeting, sources confirm. “I’m just not sure whether to believe he’s the real president,” said Barbara Dolby, a new employee of the company. “Many... Read More

SSPV Apologize After Drone Targeting Novus Ordo Mass Accidentally Dropped On Taliban

June 2, 2013 by  
Filed under Libs & Trads, Uncategorized

Hoboken, NJ––An SSPV drone strike has accidentally killed three and injured four other Taliban members living in the U.S. Saturday, a spokesman for the Society confirmed before expressing sorrow for the wayward bomb that was originally meant to put a stop to a Novus Ordo Vigil Mass in Hoboken, New Jersey. In a statement to the AP, founder and leader of the sedevacantist organization Bishop Clarance Kelly said that he and other members of the traditionalist... Read More

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