Francis Practicing Emeritus Signature

Mere days after former Vatican ambassador to the US, Archbishop Carlo Maria Viganò, alleged that the Pope was aware of sexual misconduct allegations against Cardinal Theodore McCarrick, Francis is said to have been spending a large part of his day quietly trying out different new emeritus signatures in preparations for his upcoming retirement.

“I hear you get a gold-plated watch,” Pope Francis whispered into the ear of one reporter in an attempt to change the subject of the accusation while in route to Rome from Ireland. But when the reporter repeated the question, Pope Francis was said to have pointed behind everyone, yelling, “Hey, what’s that!” before running back to his seat.

One of Francis’ aides, Father Tomas Demarco, told EOTT this morning that the Pope spent the rest of the flight trying out different signatures with “emeritus” in them.

“He kept his eyes on his paper for the most part,” Demarco said. “In the beginning he kept asking me if everyone was still looking his way and I said yes. That’s when he began trying out different new signatures. They were terrible, but whatever it takes for the man to retire, I mean, get his mind off the accusation.”

Demarco said that when Francis returned to the Vatican, he went up to the window in his bedroom and “Just stared out onto St. Peter’s Square.

“Yeah, he was gently touching the window as he hummed a sad little song to himself. At one point he began saying something along the lines of ‘No one gets you, Franny. No one has, no one does, but you.’ Weird as hell. He did this for a while until he started drinking. That’s when he went ape. He opened the window and started screaming the name Viganò over and over again with a type of vengeance that I haven’t seen from him since the last time we were in private and someone disagreed with him.”