Pope, Bishops Decide It’s Finally Time To Do Something About Sexual Abuse Crisis After YouTube Goes Offline

October 16, 2018 by  
Filed under Vatican


Pope Francis and bishops from around the globe unanimously decided to actually try to do something about the sexual abuse crisis after YouTube went offline yesterday.

“Now that we cannot simply sit around calling synods so that we look like we’re doing something while, in all actuality, we’re just watching videos of cats chasing lasers on YouTube, we, the Princes of the Church, in union with the successor of St. Peter, have decided that we must do something regarding this sexual abuse crisis before YouTube is restored,” said an advisor to the Pope. “We must move quickly to protect all Catholics from wolves that would harm them, and I mean quickly, because we all know that YouTube won’t be down for long.”

“Never again will anyone be a victim,” a clearly frustrated Pope Francis told reporters as he continually refreshed the YouTube page on his phone. “And if any bishop ever withholds information regarding sexual abuse, they will be severely punished and excommunicated!”

“Lastly, I have something to admit regarding the Vigano accusations,” he went on to say, somberly, a tear in his eye, as an assistant came and whispered something into his ear. “Seriously? Back up? Alright, I will tell you all what I’ve said before…I will not say a single word!”