Nancy Pelosi Named Speaker Of The Church

Image: Gage Skidmore

Nancy Pelosi became the most powerful person in the Catholic Church today as she was elected Speaker of the Church in America.

The Catholic democrat vowed to “reach across the pews and across the divisions in this great Church.”

“American Catholics want a Church that delivers results for the people, even if those results are completely at odds with Church teaching they have heard in the past,” Pelosi said with gavel in hand. “As speaker of the Church in America, I begin my new role as the God’s mouthpiece until he returns to America.”

Pelosi’s new role allows her to speak ex cathedra when she is speaking about faith or morals while holding the gavel.

“Marriage between two men or two women is henceforth consistent with Catholic teaching. Actually, let me amend that. Marriage between anything other than two men or two women is henceforth inconsistent with Catholic teaching, and there for invalid. Gay marriage or no marriage. Your choice. Speaking of choice…”