Marie Kondo Helps Tidy Up Vatican; Gets Rid Of All But Five Bishops

Telling reporters that he brought in famed organizing consultant Marie Kondo to help consolidate and clean up the Vatican, Pope Francis Thursday said that he was now feeling “much better” after decluttering the city-state of all but five of bishops.

“Most homes have a few years, maybe a decade’s worth, of clutter to get rid of, but here at the Vatican, we have 2,000 years’ worth of stuff that’s just been lying around,” Francis told the press, adding that along with nearly all bishops, priests, nuns, and deacons that he was finally able to get rid of because they did not bring him a spark of joy, virtually every statue has also been “discarded.”

“Marie asked me a very simple question: ‘does this bishop bring you joy?’ And when I said no, we would take him out back and throw him out. And on to the next bishop until I had no more than five. She told me that I should have no more than thirty centuries-old documents inside the Vatican Secret Archives, so I got rid of the papal bull from Pope Leo X excommunicating Martin Luther, transcripts from the trial of the Knights Templar, correspondence relating to the trial of Galileo, a letter from Michelangelo to Pope Julius II, and many, many other things. I feel amazing.”

At press time, Francis has confirmed that he is retiring, effective immediately.