Man Disappointed After Witnessing Attractive Woman In Third Pew Holding Hands During Our Father

February 20, 2019 by  
Filed under Parish Life

While visiting a new parish last Sunday, 24-year-old Dominic Newman reported seeing an attractive woman seated several pews ahead of him, whom he had been chastely eyeing as a potential wife. His quickly escalating dreams of marrying her and raising a good Catholic family were hopelessly dashed, though, after catching her in the disgraceful act of holding hands during the Our Father.

“That was, to say the least, a huge let down,” Newman told EOTT. “She even had on a jean skirt and wore a mantilla. Those girls are a dying breed. That’s why I was so shocked to see her shamelessly holding hands during the Our Father. I knew right then and there that our love was destined to fail. What a shame—I may’ve had the opportunity to make her a happy woman, but she had to go and screw it all up.”

Newman later went on to say that, perhaps, he was being “a bit judgmental.”

“After hours of thinking about it, I’ve come to the conclusion that I might’ve not had all the facts. I didn’t actually see her initiate the hand hold. Maybe it was the person next to her, and she just didn’t want to be rude. Hell, she might even be in confession for that act as we speak. I’ll go to the parish again next week and see what she does—give her a second chance, you know, like our Lord when he forgave the prostitute. Are we not called to forgive?”

At press time, Newman has decided not to pursue a potential courtship with the woman after remembering seeing her applaud at the conclusion of Mass.