Pope Michael Not Sure What To Do With $1.6 Billion Dollar Check From Government

Pope Michael has been granted $1.6 billion dollars in federal coronavirus aid, and the co-called “true” Vicar of Christ has no clue what to do with it.

“If you’re wondering what I’m wondering, which is how did I get approved for $1.6 billion in federal aid without even applying for it, well, I think I have an answer,” said Pope Michael preparing to jump off his diving board and into his pool which was now filled with gold coins. “I think that when the government thinks Catholic Church, when it thinks St. Peter, they automatically think Michael. My slow and steady plan is working.”

When asked what he would do with all the money, Michael said that since he was not-for-profit, he would take his cue from how other not-for-profits in the world handle their money, saying that he would do his utmost best to mismanage it, and the rest, he would keep for himself “just for safekeeping” until he died, at which time it would be dispersed. More or less.