Madison, WI––It is being reported that the two unidentified Catholics who rushed the altar this morning to assist Fr. John Zuhlsdorf during the Mass were injured after they were shocked by electric altar rails installed by the priest. Zuhlsdorf, the well known Catholic priest and blogger, told Eye of the Tiber that he initially did not know what happened. “I was preparing to have the electrified rails turned off so I could distribute Holy Communion when I heard the sound of something grilling. I remember the lights began to flicker like someone was being electrocuted in the Green Mile.” Witnesses say that the two unidentified Catholics were not parishioners, but visitors. “Everyone here knows that Father’s got it under control up there,” one parishioner told reporters. “He electrified the altar rails for just this reason…visitors who don’t know better.” Ruth Hawkins, another witness, told Eye of the Tiber that the first woman electrified just moments after the Mass began was overheard saying, “the poor priest needs to stop mumbling and speak up into his microphone so we can all hear him,” before attempting to run up and quietly inform him of his gaffe. The other woman electrified was reportedly “disgusted” that no one was assisting Zuhlsdorf distribute, and was attempting to “give him a hand.” She reported from her hospital bed late this afternoon that, after some reflection, she believed no parishioner wanted to help him because he had offended the congregation by rudely turning his back to them all Mass long. Parishioners report that the church smelled of chicken for the rest of the Mass. The two women are expected to make full recoveries.
Keep an eye out in Fr Z’s online store – they should be available soon.
I presume this is satire news like the Onion, right?
Yes, this is the “Catholic Onion” so to speak.
Man, just when I thought you couldn’t get funnier – bam.
Just found your blog. What a great post! Love it!
Yet another demonstration of the need for being grounded in good liturgical theology.
lol
hilarious
Hysterical
Fr. Z will get a kick out of this post.
Fr. Z doubles as Zorro and your mama smells like chicken breath.
Shocking, simply shocking.
Barbed wire would help too!
Prayers waft up like KFC for the two extraordinary (crispy) ministers of Holy Communion.
Oh. Crying. ;’D
ROFL!!! This is hilarious.
Be careful of the 3rd rail!
One can never go wrong with holy humor. I can see that happening in my neck of the woods sadly. ;p
What a hoot! But seriously, is this what can happen when ultra-conservative Catholics try to enforce their views?
I would like to see the return of Altar Rails in all Catholic Churches.