Fr. Zuhlsdorf Installs Electric Altar Rails; 2 Women Injured

February 18, 2013 by  
Filed under Mass, Uncategorized

Madison, WI––It is being reported that the two unidentified Catholics who rushed the altar this morning to assist Fr. John Zuhlsdorf during the Mass were injured after they were shocked by electric altar rails installed by the priest. Zuhlsdorf, the well known Catholic priest and blogger, told Eye of the Tiber that he initially did not know what happened. “I was preparing to have the electrified rails turned off so I could distribute Holy Communion when I heard the sound of something grilling. I remember the lights began to flicker like someone was being electrocuted in the Green Mile.” Witnesses say that the two unidentified Catholics were not parishioners, but visitors. “Everyone here knows that Father’s got it under control up there,” one parishioner told reporters. “He electrified the altar rails for just this reason…visitors who don’t know better.” Ruth Hawkins, another witness, told Eye of the Tiber that the first woman electrified just moments after the Mass began was overheard saying, “the poor priest needs to stop mumbling and speak up into his microphone so we can all hear him,” before attempting to run up and quietly inform him of his gaffe. The other woman electrified was reportedly “disgusted” that no one was assisting Zuhlsdorf distribute, and was attempting to “give him a hand.” She reported from her hospital bed late this afternoon that, after some reflection, she believed no parishioner wanted to help him because he had offended the congregation by rudely turning his back to them all Mass long. Parishioners report that the church smelled of chicken for the rest of the Mass. The two women are expected to make full recoveries.

  • Stephen

    Keep an eye out in Fr Z’s online store – they should be available soon.

  • R. Martin

    I presume this is satire news like the Onion, right?

    • Ben Yanke

      Yes, this is the “Catholic Onion” so to speak.

      • Darren Anderton

        It makes me want to cry Holy tears

    • Terry Lynn Madeleine Dillon

      Yes, but as you see, many people are fighting over it as if it were serious.

  • Jeffrey Miller

    Man, just when I thought you couldn’t get funnier – bam.

  • Ted V

    Just found your blog. What a great post! Love it!

  • Poor Yorek

    Yet another demonstration of the need for being grounded in good liturgical theology.

    • Joe of St Therese


    • Joe of St Therese


    • Raymond Moon Sr.

      Grounded? No pun intended of course.

  • I am not Spartacus


  • Charles Pearson

    Fr. Z will get a kick out of this post.

  • P90XcelsisDeo

    Fr. Z doubles as Zorro and your mama smells like chicken breath.

  • Wendell

    Shocking, simply shocking.

  • Stephen E Dalton

    Barbed wire would help too!

  • Paul

    Prayers waft up like KFC for the two extraordinary (crispy) ministers of Holy Communion.

    • Blaise Hockel

      I love the smell of intense incense in the morning.

  • Martha

    Oh. Crying. ;’D

  • JeniferR

    ROFL!!! This is hilarious.

  • Brian Sullivan

    Be careful of the 3rd rail!

  • Yae

    One can never go wrong with holy humor. I can see that happening in my neck of the woods sadly. ;p

  • sue

    What a hoot! But seriously, is this what can happen when ultra-conservative Catholics try to enforce their views?

    • steve5656546346


  • Pauline

    I would like to see the return of Altar Rails in all Catholic Churches.

    • 1crappie2

      I agreed, until I was granted a handicap. Old age doesn’t function well with alters. I suspect some folks would avoid them rather than risk a fall.

  • Michael Gabriel

    Coincidentally, I thought of the similar way in Old Testament: two sons of Aaron burning to death by God for offering Him unholy fire. Oops, I said too much.

  • Paul Schumann

    Lmao! How did I miss this one? Hilarious stuff.

  • Terry Lynn Madeleine Dillon

    Please, ladies, Father is a traditionalist. Don’t try to “assist” in this manner.

    • John

      Not a traditionalist, just a traditional Catholic priest. A traditionalist is someone who cares about the use of tradition more than love of God and the Church

      • steve5656546346


        A traditional Catholic is one who is attracted to the timeless practices of the Church: that person may, or may not, be a traditionalist.

        A traditionalist is one who accepts the traditionalist critique: that person will be a traditional Catholic in general terms, but may attend the Novus Ordo mass for various reasons.

        The traditionalist critique essentially holds that human beings have not changed in essentials since Biblical times (which is a supposition of natural law arguments). Therefore, not only are the TEACHINGS of Christ eternal, but also the APPROACH of Christ, the Prophets, the Apostles, the Saints, and the Church throughout the ages.

        Therefore, it simply is not possible that in the 1960’s and beyond that a dramatic new approach was needed: in fact, that would be arrogance and foolishness. True, new media is need to transmit the message at times, but it is is the same message: not only regarding content, but also regarding tone.

        That tone is at times gentle, but at other times confrontative. Hell is mentioned as a very real possibility and threat at times. Error is opposed directly. And it is portrayed as being terribly important whether or not you are Catholic and receive the sacraments. And so on…

        • 1crappie2

          Yes, perhaps, but which line–goats or sheep–are traditionalists assigned to on Judgment Day?

      • Terry Lynn Madeleine Dillon

        John, you have apparently fallen for the troll. Credulity is a defect of the mind. Please have the last word.

  • John Ramthun

    I feel saddened by this post. How can we joke about this?

    • steve5656546346

      In such times, the alternative to laughter is insanity.

  • disqus_1llR4HFS9C

    Oh, funny!!

  • Agnes Roma

    local church is re modeling soon, so I sent picture of ST Mary at Bluff Pine, as sample for new remodeling.

  • Mic Ty

    Thanks for reporting on current events.

  • Beverly Stevens

    SHARING on Regina Magazine Facebook — LOL!!

  • blablabla

    I don’t think this is funny.

  • Mbukukanyau

    Chicken feathers. The Church smelled of chicken feathers. I was there.

    • 1crappie2

      Close but it was Kosher mallard. Chicken has a more sweet aroma. Kosher Mallard has a distinct hint of mesquite, easily identifiable to any real southwestern Hebrew.

  • Vicky P

    Why the electricity? Most in lib-town Madison would be sufficiently shocked by merely seeing altar rails.