Fr. Zuhlsdorf Installs Electric Altar Rails; 2 Women Injured

February 18, 2013 by  
Filed under Mass, Uncategorized

Madison, WI––It is being reported that the two unidentified Catholics who rushed the altar this morning to assist Fr. John Zuhlsdorf during the Mass were injured after they were shocked by electric altar rails installed by the priest. Zuhlsdorf, the well known Catholic priest and blogger, told Eye of the Tiber that he initially did not know what happened. “I was preparing to have the electrified rails turned off so I could distribute Holy Communion when I heard the sound of something grilling. I remember the lights began to flicker like someone was being electrocuted in the Green Mile.” Witnesses say that the two unidentified Catholics were not parishioners, but visitors. “Everyone here knows that Father’s got it under control up there,” one parishioner told reporters. “He electrified the altar rails for just this reason…visitors who don’t know better.” Ruth Hawkins, another witness, told Eye of the Tiber that the first woman electrified just moments after the Mass began was overheard saying, “the poor priest needs to stop mumbling and speak up into his microphone so we can all hear him,” before attempting to run up and quietly inform him of his gaffe. The other woman electrified was reportedly “disgusted” that no one was assisting Zuhlsdorf distribute, and was attempting to “give him a hand.” She reported from her hospital bed late this afternoon that, after some reflection, she believed no parishioner wanted to help him because he had offended the congregation by rudely turning his back to them all Mass long. Parishioners report that the church smelled of chicken for the rest of the Mass. The two women are expected to make full recoveries.

  • Keep an eye out in Fr Z’s online store – they should be available soon.

  • R. Martin

    I presume this is satire news like the Onion, right?

    • Yes, this is the “Catholic Onion” so to speak.

      • Darren Anderton

        It makes me want to cry Holy tears

    • Terry Lynn Madeleine Dillon

      Yes, but as you see, many people are fighting over it as if it were serious.

  • Man, just when I thought you couldn’t get funnier – bam.

  • Ted V

    Just found your blog. What a great post! Love it!

  • Poor Yorek

    Yet another demonstration of the need for being grounded in good liturgical theology.

    • lol

    • hilarious

      • Dankin

        Awesome traditional priest who knows how to stop feminism taking over the mass. Bravo Fr. Z. They should have known that altar is a sanctuary

    • Raymond Moon Sr.

      Grounded? No pun intended of course.

  • Hysterical

  • Charles Pearson

    Fr. Z will get a kick out of this post.

  • P90XcelsisDeo

    Fr. Z doubles as Zorro and your mama smells like chicken breath.

  • Shocking, simply shocking.

  • Stephen E Dalton

    Barbed wire would help too!

  • Prayers waft up like KFC for the two extraordinary (crispy) ministers of Holy Communion.

    • Blaise Hockel

      I love the smell of intense incense in the morning.

  • Martha

    Oh. Crying. ;’D

  • ROFL!!! This is hilarious.

    • Dankin

      A lesson learned for feminists! He’s a serious traditional priest.

  • Be careful of the 3rd rail!

  • Yae

    One can never go wrong with holy humor. I can see that happening in my neck of the woods sadly. ;p

  • sue

    What a hoot! But seriously, is this what can happen when ultra-conservative Catholics try to enforce their views?

    • steve5656546346


  • Pauline

    I would like to see the return of Altar Rails in all Catholic Churches.

    • 1crappie2

      I agreed, until I was granted a handicap. Old age doesn’t function well with alters. I suspect some folks would avoid them rather than risk a fall.

      • Casper

        Well, you get to stay in the front pew and kneel if you want to anyway, right?

  • Michael Gabriel

    Coincidentally, I thought of the similar way in Old Testament: two sons of Aaron burning to death by God for offering Him unholy fire. Oops, I said too much.

  • Paul Schumann

    Lmao! How did I miss this one? Hilarious stuff.

  • Terry Lynn Madeleine Dillon

    Please, ladies, Father is a traditionalist. Don’t try to “assist” in this manner.

    • John

      Not a traditionalist, just a traditional Catholic priest. A traditionalist is someone who cares about the use of tradition more than love of God and the Church

      • steve5656546346


        A traditional Catholic is one who is attracted to the timeless practices of the Church: that person may, or may not, be a traditionalist.

        A traditionalist is one who accepts the traditionalist critique: that person will be a traditional Catholic in general terms, but may attend the Novus Ordo mass for various reasons.

        The traditionalist critique essentially holds that human beings have not changed in essentials since Biblical times (which is a supposition of natural law arguments). Therefore, not only are the TEACHINGS of Christ eternal, but also the APPROACH of Christ, the Prophets, the Apostles, the Saints, and the Church throughout the ages.

        Therefore, it simply is not possible that in the 1960’s and beyond that a dramatic new approach was needed: in fact, that would be arrogance and foolishness. True, new media is need to transmit the message at times, but it is is the same message: not only regarding content, but also regarding tone.

        That tone is at times gentle, but at other times confrontative. Hell is mentioned as a very real possibility and threat at times. Error is opposed directly. And it is portrayed as being terribly important whether or not you are Catholic and receive the sacraments. And so on…

        • 1crappie2

          Yes, perhaps, but which line–goats or sheep–are traditionalists assigned to on Judgment Day?

        • Joe Cole

          “. Hell is mentioned as a very real possibility and threat at times.”

          That is a teaching of Christ, not just an approach. He spoke of it more than nearly any other subject in the Gospel.

      • Terry Lynn Madeleine Dillon

        John, you have apparently fallen for the troll. Credulity is a defect of the mind. Please have the last word.

    • Dankin

      You have no right to go up there. There is no show.

  • John Ramthun

    I feel saddened by this post. How can we joke about this?

    • steve5656546346

      In such times, the alternative to laughter is insanity.

  • disqus_1llR4HFS9C

    Oh, funny!!

  • Agnes Roma

    local church is re modeling soon, so I sent picture of ST Mary at Bluff Pine, as sample for new remodeling.

  • Mic Ty

    Thanks for reporting on current events.

  • Beverly Stevens

    SHARING on Regina Magazine Facebook — LOL!!

  • blablabla

    I don’t think this is funny.

  • Mbukukanyau

    Chicken feathers. The Church smelled of chicken feathers. I was there.

    • 1crappie2

      Close but it was Kosher mallard. Chicken has a more sweet aroma. Kosher Mallard has a distinct hint of mesquite, easily identifiable to any real southwestern Hebrew.

  • Vicky P

    Why the electricity? Most in lib-town Madison would be sufficiently shocked by merely seeing altar rails.

  • Fr. John Higgins

    I would rather nobody get even close to the front doors of the Church. Keep all the lay people in the parking lot where they belong. LOL

  • Elizabeth

    Such shocking news!!!

  • Benedict

    They should install moving altar rails; so that giving out communion can be done more efficiently, but at the same time be reverent because the people will be kneeling.

  • John F. Kennedy

    “Parishioners report that the church smelled of chicken for the rest of the Mass.” That’s great! I wish it were true!

  • Jim the Scott

    This was all needless injury.

    Father I have two words for ya.

    Deflector Shields.

    Painless and they keep strange liberal women off your altar without hurting people.

    Call my buddy Mr. Spock or my descendant Mr. Scott for details.

  • LX5000

    For their troubles, the vatican will be sending each of these two would-be helpers an official VII tambourine, personally autographed by Francis himself.

    • Dankin

      They could become pastors of Francis New-Age church.

  • Brendan Quinn

    Typical of the media to only report the controversial stuff. This wonderful priest has done many good things in his ministry including giving up the use of a cattle prodder he used to use to get the parishioners in line before. Father said he gave up using the electrified prodder, normally used on cattle but he used to use to keep his parishioners in order, one lent and never took it back up.

    But the media doesnt report good news stories like that now do they !

  • Brendan Quinn

    Father was always known for his “powerful and electrifying” homilies !