Local Doctor Tells Patient to Stop Being “Obsessed” with his Cancer

September 20, 2013 by  
Filed under Vatican

Minneapolis, MN––Dr. Simon Townsend, in an interview with United States Magazine, sent a clear message to his patient, Mr. Christopher Watts, who is suffering from stage-four terminal cancer. “Mr. Watts needs to stop letting himself get locked up in small things like the ever-growing tumors in his lungs that daily threaten his life.” Citing a need for his patient to widen his scope and not look myopically at one particular issue, the doctor warned Watts to “see the big picture” lest his overall health “fall like a house of cards.” Dr. Townsend continued, remarking that, “[Mr. Watts] is constantly harping about his cancer, his treatment, his chemotherapy, how long he has to live, blah blah blah. He doesn’t even seem to realize that he’s gotten really skinny and lost practically all his hair. I think he’s stressing himself out too much and needs to relax.” At press time, Mr. Watts was weakly leaning forward in his hospital bed to see if he could take a sip of water out of a straw and keep it down.

  • Helen

    Hm. I think we ought to stand by the Holy Father and respect his decisions, not satirize them.

    • Sean


      Wake up. “Cancer” can, and is, killing us.

    • David Brower

      “Supposing the Pope looked up and saw a cloud and said, ‘It’s going to rain,’ would that be bound to happen?’
      ‘Oh, yes Father’.
      ‘But supposing it didn’t’
      He thought a moment and said, ‘I suppose it would be sort of raining spiritually, only we were too sinful to see it.”
      (From Brideshead Revisited by Evelyn Waugh)

  • Colleen

    I’m not really sure what this is regarding. Does someone care to explain?

  • Jonathan Cariveau

    Helen, the satire is meant to make a point; namely, the idea that we should actually speak less of abortion for instance when our society is growing ever-more-bloody is rather absurd. I love the Supreme Pontiff, and I want nothing more than for him to lead the Catholic Church in justice and charity, but that comment is neither just nor charitable to the infants who are being murdered in this new holocaust.

  • M E Wood

    it is the reports of the Popes interview that are being satirised here.
    (And the headlines)
    Keep up the good work!

  • Yes, keep up the good work. EOTT is the eye of the storm for me.

  • Fr. D

    I think this article actually helps put the Pope’s comments in questions. It is possible for a cancer patient to be so obsessed with their cancer that they neglect their overall health (losing sleep, not eating, etc). In this case, their obsessing over their cancer would be a bad thing. However, cancer is obviously serious, and so should be given due importance. Likewise, it is possible for a Catholic to be so obsessed with particular issues (abortion, contraception, same-sex marriage) that they neglect to actually preach the whole Gospel (God’s love and mercy, the need for Christ, etc). In this case, their obsession would be a bad thing. However, these are important issues, and should be given their due importance.

  • Mike Sirilla

    This is one of your best yet. Thank you for putting things in perspective. Also, it’s funny 🙂