Family Fighting For Good Seats At Christmas Mass With The Zeal Of 12th Century Crusaders

December 24, 2013 by  
Filed under Mass


Reporting that he and his family had been forced from their aisle seat just minutes after acquiring it, 48-year-old Brenden O’Malley told EOTT moments ago that he would “not rest till his aisle seat was once again reclaimed.”

“Beset, as I was, and routed from my aisle seat by congregants that only attend the Holy Mass on Christmas and Easter, my family and I surrendered our aisle unwillingly during this the 5th minute of the Christmas vigil,” he told EOTT from his seat “smack in the middle of an overly crowded pew.” “It all happened so quick, that we, the zealous ones who come weekly to Holy Mass, were routed by the nominal ones, entering our pews with their bedazzled rosaries around the necks and imperial standards, and both within the church and on the outer banks where many of us were forced to stand for Mass, cried out in lamentations, “Save us O Lord, and reclaim for us those seats that are rightfully ours.”

Brenden and family went on to say that they, being one of the last of the “devoted ones” were, at that very moment, in constant vigilance so as not be squeezed in an further by the CE Catholics. In a desperate letter written to EOTT during during a bathroom break, O’Malley wrote:

At first, we were with aisle; comfort and room to move our legs had we. Then, as the nominal ones came minutes after Mass began, we moved our camp from aisle and proceeded on our journey toward the center of the pew. Five minutes after this, having collected their forces from all sides, again besieged many of our fellow parishioners, forcing many to stand on the sides, or exiled them to the basement where a secondary, makeshift Mass was erected for the overflow. EOTT, be not fooled by the ushers, those Knights of Columbus, many of whom we have known for years. For, just as we were beginning to be assailed from both outer aisle and center aisle by the latecomers, the usher Hugh and his wife Lorraine were riding at the head, leading yet another horde toward our pews. We have been betrayed. But such, it appears, is the will of God. Nevertheless, I ask that you and all whom this letter reaches pray for us and for our brethren in the basement.

  • Martha

    Yea, many years were spent languishing in the space of gathering, with but a projection of the Holy Sacrifice. Alleluia, alleluia, we have now beset upon a zealous congregation, these keepers of tradition, whom are marginally populous. Aisle seats are now in our grasp, Deus Vult!

  • PureCatholic

    hahahahahahahahah i’m gonna die!!!!!!!!!

  • Dr. Ed Gamboa

    I’ll go for the middle seat this Sunday….to avoid the wrath of the crusaders!

  • I pray for the day that we normals can live in peace with the Creasters.