“Minotaurs And Krakens Is Where I Draw The line,” Pope Francis Says. “I Would Not Convert Them”

May 27, 2014 by  
Filed under Vatican

VATICAN–Pope Francis said in his morning Mass on Monday that if Martians came to him asking to be baptized he wouldn’t turn them away, but that when it came to krakens, unicorns, minotaurs, and British elves, he would have to say “absolutely not,” Vatican radio reports.

“If, for example, tomorrow an expedition of Martians came, and some of them came to us, here… Martians, right? Green, with that long nose and big ears, just like children paint them…and one says, ‘But I want to be baptized!’ What would happen?”

Pope Francis would not be one to turn away someone seeking baptism, even if they were an alien. He urged clergy to foster an open door policy for all to receive church teachings including Martians, but also urged them to not get carried away, and to immediately deny any golems, Chineese dragons, and even the Loch Ness Monstor.

Although the pope’s message was one of inclusion, saying “the Holy Spirit is not always predictable,” he justified his exclusion of other never seen creatures such as sirens and chupacabras by saying that he had to “draw the line somewhere.”

Pope Francis is not the first one to hint at alien baptism. Vatican scientist Guy Consolmagno suggested in 2010 that aliens might have souls and could be baptized if they asked for it.

“Any entity, no matter how many tentacles it has, has a soul,” Consolmagno said in a talk preceding the British Science Festival in Birmingham. “But when it comes to creatures like Bigfoot, cyclopes, and hydras, His Holiness is absolutely correct.”

  • Lisa Julia

    Hilarious! Keep it up!~

  • Thank goodness…because krakens like to hold hands during the Our Father. Yuk.

    • If we welcomed them, we’d never have to complain about empty pews again. A single Kraken can take up a lot of space.

      • Good point. Perhaps we should accept some into the Postulancy and fill the convents.

    • Dan Li

      You, sister, have won the internet. Congratulations!

    • Timothy Adams

      This is one of the funniest things I have ever read on the internet and it came during a very rough day for me. Thank you, sister.

      • You are very kind…if the Sisters here decide not to keep me, it might be my new apostolate. (I hope there’s no Minotaurs among us….).

        • Timothy Adams

          Where, with the Krakens?

  • “chupacabras” glool.

  • I’d say that Consolmagno is very insensitive. Everyone knows Bigfoot prefers to be known as Sasquatch.

  • Wolf Baginski

    It’s an open question whether a hypothetical species can develop the intelligence to know what it is asking for. If they were able to build and operate an interplanetary or interstellar spaceship, that question is answered. If they can do that, and are curious enough to come here, we can teach them if they ask. And that teaching can lead to baptism.

    Go for something like a Kraken or Sasquatch, and we don’t have that clue to guide us. There is a difference.

    But would the Pope baptise Cthulu if Ry’leh rose from the deep? If “Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn” there’s a rather big theological problem.

    • Tia Michelle Pesando

      “That is not dead which can eternal lie, and in strange aeons even death may die.” That sounds like the Resurrection to me!

      • Timothy Adams

        HAHAHAHA

  • Ellie Ravinsky

    Well I’m upset. I love Nessie and don’t understand why she can’t be baptized. She loves water. All a priest would have to do was make Loss Ness one large body of holy water. She has never hurt anyone. I just think it’s unfair not to baptize her because she’s a plesiosaur. She’s shy, not mean.

    • Heinz

      Thank you, now I have the visual image of a priest secretly dipping the easter candle three times into the water from the shore during the night.