Pope Excommunicates 95% Of Italian Men

June 22, 2014 by  
Filed under Vatican

Sibari, Calabria––Using his strongest language to date, Pope Francis told Italian Mafia members and those who look like mafia members on Saturday that they are excommunicated from the Catholic Church, thereby excommunicating nearly 95% of Italians across the globe.

“Those who in their life have gone along the evil ways, as in the case of the mafia, or those who in their life have not gone along the evil ways, but nevertheless look like they could be in the mafia, which is roughly every Italian in the world…they are not with God, they are excommunicated,” Francis said in an outdoor Mass in Piana di Sibari, Calabria.

It is the first time a Pope has spoken of excommunication for the Mafia and other possibly innocent men who just happen to speak Italian and gesticulate a lot with their hands. Excommunication, which excludes Catholics from the Church, can be imposed by church authorities or incurred automatically for certain grave offenses.

The Pope’s remarks will resonate strongly in this part of southern Italy, where the Mafia and other men who have slicked back hair and have friends with names like “Nikki the Bull,” “Donnie Two-Toes,” or “Crazy Joey something or other,” are known to attempt to portray themselves as upstanding religious men in good rapport with the Catholic Church, in order to maintain local credibility.

“They must be told, No!” the Pope said to a crowd of over 100,000 gathered for the outdoor Mass. “No to so much hair gel…no to all that cologne…no to gold crosses resting in a furry bed of chest hair. No means no!”

  • Geez, no wonder the ushers didn’t show up for Mass this morning…

  • Chrysologos

    “…at my age I do not have much to lose”.
    (Pope Francis to Spanish journal ‘La Vanguardia’)

  • PureCatholic

    The ushers? we had no reader, no servers, no extraordinary ministers(?a good thing), no choir, no congregation, AND NO PRIEST!!!!

    • Salvelinus

      we had no reader, no servers, no extraordinary ministers(?a good thing), no choir,…..

      What!!! No “Active Participation”??!!

      • PureCatholic

        Ya. That’s about it.

  • wlinden

    I do not see what is funny about this. And I am NOT Italian.

    • PureCatholic

      It’s called Satire?

    • Mike Dross

      I’m sorry, but the thought of people glowering at their computer screens while reading this makes it even funnier. Especially if they shake their fists at the end and declare a lack of Italian ancestry.

    • Osono

      My family is of Italian descent and I found this hilarious!

  • Guest

    That is really plain words, Would Jesus say that? or would he say go and sin no more, First Jesus. Would say He who is with sin, Let Him throw the First Stone

  • Sue Warren

    Wow, That is really plain words, Would Jesus say that , Or would He say He who is with out Sin let Him throw the first stone, Jesus would say, Go and Sin no more,

  • Not Gramsci

    Has anyone told Lino Rulli? Now he has to change the name of his show.

  • Thomas J. Ryan

    Someone needs to tell His Holiness that there’s no such a thing http://youtu.be/J_DRsWwptWc?t=8m38s

  • Conscience PFLI

    Excommunicate the manifest scandalizers within the clergy as well as pernicious politicians like Pelosi, Cuomo, Kennedys, etc….do your job Holy Father!

  • Hotrod1962

    The Feast of San Gennaro in Little Italy was turned into a craft fair this year.

  • Sonny Moon

    We still got the Irish, so it ain’t too bad.