USCCB Sword Swallowing Challenge Raising Little Money, Causing Terrible Injuries

August 20, 2014 by  
Filed under Politics

You’ve seen all the USCCB Sword Swallowing Challenge videos by now. Everyone from Catholic celebrities like The Curt Jester writer Jeff Miller, Fr. Robert Barron, and Jeff Cavins, to your friends have posted videos of themselves slowly dropping swords down their throats to help raise money for the USCCB.

Roughly a hundred sword swallowing videos have helped raise more than $20 for the USCCB since July 29, but for some, watching unqualified people swallow swords and narrowly miss vital organs is going too far.

“I guess I first knew something was wrong the moment I felt the cold steel of the blade scrape my esophagus,” said Son Rise Morning Show host Matt Swaim from his hospital bed in Cincinnati, Ohio. “I was challenged by our show’s producer Anna Mitchell. She said that I had 24 hours to donate to the USCCB or to swallow a sword. Isn’t that right, Anna?” Swaim called out to Mitchell, who herself was admitted to the hospital earlier that day for what doctors were calling a classic case of “sword throat.”

USCCB spokesman Kelly O’Donnell says that they have been hit with numerous lawsuits since the sensation began a month and a half ago. “We haven’t raised as much money as we had hoped. And if you take into account all the lawsuits, we’re actually losing money. This has been an utter nightmare.”

Catholic Answers Live host Patrick Coffin, who dabbles with magic on his free time, urged people to not accept the challenge, and to simply write a check. “For a magician like myself who’s able to do an entire two-hour show with three swords in my mouth, it’s hard to watch well-meaning, but unqualified people trying to raise awareness for the USCCB in this way.”

  • Sigfrid

    Meanwhile, pope Francis has suggested that putting one’s foot in one’s mouth may be a less harmful alternative to swords, and has striven lately to give a good example of how this can be done and be every bit as sensational as sword-swallowing.

    • Lee Bacchi

      Vote down

  • Philippa Martyr

    I thought Scott Hahn’s effort was particularly creditable, especially as he managed to still say ‘covenant’ with an 18 inch steel blade in his mouth. Or was this a reference to Revelation 19:15? Whoah, way Biblical!

    • Lee Bacchi

      ROTFL!

    • Tom

      He actually said seven

  • Lee M

    Magic? Sounds like Patrick Coffin should apologize for starting a stupid and dangerous craze. You all lost any credibility with me. That is a terrible example for anyone, especially kids. I hope you learned your lessons and will never try something so dangerous, ever again. God finally got through, to your thick heads. You reaped what you sewed.

    • Matthew2626

      This is a satire website. Patrick Coffin does not really do that.

    • Religious Right

      *Sowed