Vatican To Allow Trump To Choose American Bishops

October 3, 2018 by  
Filed under Politics

Image: Gage Skidmore   The Vatican’s recent agreement to give America say over bishop appointments has critics accusing the Church of caving in to the current administration’s pressure. Though the specifics of the deal announced Tuesday are unknown, Pope Francis said this morning that the agreement allows for a discussion with Donald Trump on the naming of bishops, but that ultimately the pope will decide. “The thing is done in dialogue,”... Read More

Brett Kavanaugh To Lead Life Of Prayer, Penance At DC Kegger

October 1, 2018 by  
Filed under Politics

  Former nominee to the Supreme Court Brett Kavanaugh has begun his life of prayer and penance at a Washington, D.C. kegger, friends and family have reported. Kavanaugh was sentenced to a “life of prayer and penance” by congress this week after allegations of sexual assault at a 1982 house gathering. Some “eighty female sources” close to disgraced former nominee told EOTT that while living in prayer and penance, Kavanaugh will be forbidden... Read More

Francis Writes Emotional Letter To Nike Executives Thanking Them For Taking Spotlight Off Him

September 6, 2018 by  
Filed under Politics

  Pope Francis has reportedly sent an emotional letter to executives and the marketing team at Nike, thanking them with all his heart for “taking the heat off” him. According to a source close to the Holy Father, the letter, written in pencil and said to be smeared with what looks like the Pontiffs tears, repeatedly thanks the Nike team for “helping a brother out.” My Dearest Nike Team, the letter begins. Words cannot express the gratitude... Read More

Trump Says That He Will Make Aliens Pay For New Space Force

August 9, 2018 by  
Filed under Politics

  President Donald Trump accused Martians of doing nothing to stop aliens from crossing into Earth, and repeated his presidential campaign pledge that Martians would pay for his planned Space Force. If it happened, the Space Force would become the sixth branch of the U.S. Armed Forces. It’s primary objective would be to ensure that no documented or undocumented extraterrestrials ever reached Earth again. “These aliens, you know, they sneak in... Read More

World Cup: Trump Rooting For Russia In Hopes Of Finally Having A Team Accept Invitation To White House

June 14, 2018 by  
Filed under Politics

  In his desire to have a team, “any team,” actually want to come visit him, White House officials this morning announced that President Trump is officially rooting for the Russian National Football Team in this year’s World Cup. “I’ve heard the experience of having a championship team come visit the White House is pretty awesome for a president,” a hopeful Trump told reporters this afternoon. “Obama and Bush both told me how cool it... Read More

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