Trump Says That He Will Make Aliens Pay For New Space Force

August 9, 2018 by  
Filed under Politics

  President Donald Trump accused Martians of doing nothing to stop aliens from crossing into Earth, and repeated his presidential campaign pledge that Martians would pay for his planned Space Force. If it happened, the Space Force would become the sixth branch of the U.S. Armed Forces. It’s primary objective would be to ensure that no documented or undocumented extraterrestrials ever reached Earth again. “These aliens, you know, they sneak in... Read More

World Cup: Trump Rooting For Russia In Hopes Of Finally Having A Team Accept Invitation To White House

June 14, 2018 by  
Filed under Politics

  In his desire to have a team, “any team,” actually want to come visit him, White House officials this morning announced that President Trump is officially rooting for the Russian National Football Team in this year’s World Cup. “I’ve heard the experience of having a championship team come visit the White House is pretty awesome for a president,” a hopeful Trump told reporters this afternoon. “Obama and Bush both told me how cool it... Read More

Prince Harry Nervous About Telling New Bride He’s Actually Sixth In Line To Having His Own Church

May 18, 2018 by  
Filed under Politics

Image: ThomasToti   Nervously rubbing his hands on the eve of his wedding, an anxious Prince Henry “Harry” of Wales told EOTT that he was still scared about how his fiancé would take the news when she found out that her soon-to-be-husband lied to her and was actually sixth in line to having his own church, as opposed to fifth as he told her early on in their relationship. “I’m freaking nervous as bloody hell,” Prince Harry said, stating... Read More

Francis Pulls Vatican Out Of The “Columbia House 8 CDs For A Penny” Deal

May 10, 2018 by  
Filed under Politics

Pope Francis announced Tuesday that he will withdraw the Vatican from the Columbia House 8 CDs For A Penny Deal, breaking with European churches, and fulfilling a major conclave campaign promise. “Today’s action sends a message that the Vatican no longer makes empty threats,” a boastful Francis told the press, going on to attack his predecessor Benedict XVI. “Signing up the Vatican for this was horrible, one-sided deal that should have never, ever... Read More

Vatican Shuts Down After Liberals, Rad Trads Can’t Come To An Agreement

January 22, 2018 by  
Filed under Politics

Ricardo André Frantz   Hundreds of thousands of priests from around the world have either been sent back to the rectory or have been told to not show up to say Masses today as clerical furloughs took affect midnight due to the Vatican shutdown. Cardinal Robert Sarah delivered an ominous warning to cardinals gathered at the Vatican this morning, saying that “The shutdown is going to get a lot worse tomorrow if the Pope doesn’t act immediately.” Essential... Read More

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