The “Brown Note” Proven True Seconds After “Gather Us In” Begins

August 25, 2014 by  
Filed under Mass

The infrasonic sound that some have said causes people to lose control of their bowels was proven true just seconds after the hymn Gather Us In began last Sunday.

Director of Acoustic Resonance and Church Worship at the Vatican Michelle Klinsmann said today that, although the frequency needed to hit the supposed brown note is said to be between 5 and 9 Hz, that the hymn Gather Us In “defied science.” 

“It was fascinating to see that before the church band even began to sing, that congregants were already beginning to show signs that the brown note had taken effect,” Klinsmann told EOTT. “There wasn’t even enough resonance, and yet, some were complaining of nausea while others later reported they had felt their blood pressure rising.”

“Once the band began singing, I looked at my husband, and he was becoming pale and clammy,” said 29-year-old Martha Bing. “Next thing I know, I was running to the restroom along side the entire congregation, including our pastor. It was uncontrollable. I just wanted to surrender so that they could just stop.”

Reports show that the brown note took hold of every single person in the church except for the band, who had reportedly built an immunity to the hymn.

“It’s true,” said Music Director Raymond Cleese. “Please excuse my language, but we crapped our selves for a good month rehearsing this song.”

“It’s really an interesting phenomena,” Klinsmann went on to say. “Every single time the hymn has been sung, people have lost control of their bowels. We just don’t hear about it because people are typically so embarrassed that they don’t say anything.”

  • Wasn’t this kind of music mandated in Sacrophinctum Imodium?

    • Famijoly

      Literally LOL on that one!!!

      • Douglas Bonneville

        My work here is done.

  • Adam Heese

    Add to this the song “Our God is an Awesome God”. Seems to me the hippie bands in college always loved to play that. Certainly sent me off on the brown note.

    • James McDonald

      You don’t like God puttin’ on the ritz?

      • Chris Lewis

        Actually, when he rolls up his sleeves, he ain’t just puttin’ on the ritz.

        By the way, I like that song, but I don’t think Rich Mullins ever thought it should be played during Mass. He had a great deal of respect for the Catholic faith, and some reports indicate he was working on coming into the Church at the time of his death.

        The question is, if Gather Us In contains the brown note, then does that mean I should stop listening to Gordon Lightfoot’s Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald as well, since Gather Us In obviously draws inspiration from it?

        • Anna

          Everyone should stop listening to “The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald” so as to avoid any chance of that earworm to end all earworms. I understand why “Macarthur Park” won Dave Barry’s bad song contest, but “Fitzgerald” should have been a photo finish second.

          • Chris Lewis

            Can’t agree on MacArthur Park. That song is epic. I’m a Jimmy Webb fan.

            How about if Gordon Lightfoot’s favorite singer were Rod Stewart? Check this out.

          • Anna

            Epic or epically weird? “Like a striped pair of pants”? No wonder the girl left him.

          • Kevin Aldrich

            I actually like this!

          • I like this

          • Hotrod1962

            Why was the cake left out in the rain….very upsetting line.

          • Chris Lewis

            My hypothesis is that the cake symbolizes the sweetness of his romance with the girl, and that sweetness melted away like icing on a cake in the rain. All we can do is hypothesize, because Jimmy Webb won’t explain it aside from saying it’s about the loss of a love.

          • Adrian Johnson

            Yes; but what about the flies; not to mention the pigeons chowing down on the soggy cake. Serious health hazard in a public park.

        • Matt Swaim
          • Yes, Matt, truly we are all one Chevy.

          • Matt Swaim

            Remember- “i” goes before “e” always, but “i” follows “e” when it comes after “c.” Will you let me be your sherpa?

          • Chris Lewis

            That’s a few years old but I never get tired of listening to it.

          • Marie Van Gompel Alsbergas

            We are all IN one Chevy. My personal record for crowd-car-sharing is 14 in a Ford.

          • “Let me be your sherpa” LOL “Let me climb rocks with you”.

        • Allie Toner

          I loved Gordon Lightfoot and many of his songs. the College Dorm Music of the ’70’s was great. Church music of the ’70’s, another story all together.

  • The constipation induced in Sinsinawa Dominicans by the end of the first verse of the Agnus Dei demonstrates that the inverse reaction is also possible. O Salutaris Hostia actually produced bowel obstruction in these same subjects.

    • Famijoly

      You sure it’s not the Wisconsin cheese for the Sinsinawa Dominicans?

  • You Anglo-Saxons do not know how privileged you are. Just give your bowels songs like “Danke für diesen guten Morgen” (‘Thanks for This Good Morning’), “Kleines Senfkorn Hoffnung” (‘Hope, You Little Grain of Mustard Seed’), “Eine Handvoll Erde” (‘A Handful of Dirt’), “Ins Wasser fällt ein Stein” (‘Into the Water There is Falling a Stone’), “Herr, deine Liebe ist wie Gras und Ufer” (‘Lord, Your Love is Like Grass and Shore’), or anything written by the apostate priest Huub Oosterhuis, and collate the effects!

    • Ooooooh, my ears are bleeding!

      • Allie Toner

        Sounds like something out of the 60’s or 70’s, sung through grit teeth.

    • BCSWowbagger

      For years, I’ve wondered why the German Church is in such bad shape.

      Now I know.

      • It’s because of Martin Luther, isn’t it?

        • fredx2

          No, your highness.

    • Tim Dye

      Today is a glorious day!

    • Oh, that was harrowing!

    • Peter Tobias

      The song is sung as a parody.

  • Michael Leggett

    As if Eric Cartman was Music Director of Mass on “South Park.”

  • Michael Leggett

    Any Song by Marty Haugen can be used to induce cramping, as well as be used as an alternative to waterboarding at Gitmo.

    • Allie Toner

      You said it!

    • ThereseZ

      they should consider it a drug-free alternative to the stuff they give you before a colonoscopy.

  • fredx2

    “Here I was, Lord.”

  • Twinkle5

    I just crapped myself reading this article!