Cardinal Kasper Adds Three Sacraments

October 12, 2014 by  
Filed under Vatican

Vatican City––Citing the need for the Church to “update herself with modern times,” Cardinal Walter Kasper declared that the Church has now added three Sacraments to the original seven instituted by Christ. In an interview with America, Kasper explained his decision: “Christ challenged the Pharisees to look deeper than the Mosaic Law, and he challenges us to the same. The original seven sacraments were sufficient for their time, but times have changed, and the Church owes the world a greater number of spiritual life rafts.”

Continuing his interview, Kasper added: “We need a paradigm change and we must – as the good Samaritan did – consider the situation also from the perspective of those who are suffering and asking for help. Christ’s sacraments just aren’t doing the job, and so it is our duty as a Church to reach out in other ways.”

Most of all, His Eminence pushed for the Church to adapt to the Metric system: “The number 7 is a prime number; it can’t be divided by anything. And when you multiply it by anything you always get some weird number like 23 or 49. The Church needs to leave behind the Imperial system of Sacraments and join the rest of Europe in the Metric system.”

Pointing out the complexity of modern life as compared to earlier times in human history, Kasper affirmed that “Life is not just black or white or yellow or green or blue or red or purple; there are, in fact, exactly ten nuances. Not seven.”

Kasper’s new list of Sacraments is as follows:

1. Baptism

2. Confirmation

3. Eucharist

4. Reconciliation

5. Marriage

6. Holy Orders

7. Anointing of the Sick

8. Annulment

9. That YouTube video of that Lifehouse song with that Jesus skit

10. Christmas trees

  • That person

    The sad part is, I know precisely what “That YouTube video of that Lifehouse song with that Jesus skit” is. And for some strange reason it makes me cry every time.

    • Richardson McPhillips

      Protestants have so much to teach us. I was hearing about “liturgy” the other day from a Baptist.

  • Marlo de Gracia

    But your eminence, 23 is not a multiple of seven 🙁

    • kamiller42

      See that picture accompanying the article? That’s him laughing at you.

    • Jacob Timothy Michael Hughes

      How intolerant of you.

      • AMDG

        But, but… I thought pointing out an error is an act of mercy, not intolerance 🙁

    • Joy Niklas O F-s

      Common core math

  • Tyler Hiles

    The interview in “America” magazine was a nice touch

  • Sergio Davila

    Who are the ordinary ministers of these new sacraments?

    • kamiller42

      As with all sacraments, extraordinary > ordinary.

  • It was later disclosed that Liturgical Dance almost replaced Reconciliation on this list, but of course, the Canon Law on spandex simply has not evolved as far as Kasper would have liked.

    • Louise

      LOL!

    • Anna

      Epic!

    • J. Scott

      Savage

  • Philippa Martyr

    I thought the Sign of Peace was going to be the 9th Sacrament. Clearly I was misled by the Tablet blog.

  • Philippa Martyr

    “update herself with modern times,” ????
    Sexist pig!

  • Dear Eye, you have always been a serious news source with a respectable commenters’ board. Why do you now foster trolls like that Cardinal Kasper account in the synod? Three more Sacraments? Giving the most holy Eucharist to the remarried (or as he himself likes to put it, wiederverkasperte Gretel und wiedervergretelte Kasper)? A Cardinal of the Holy Roman Church would never have proposed such utter nonsense, so “Cardinal Kasper” must clearly be a fake. Please be sure to let only accounts with a confirmed identity comment on here henceforth.
    Munus vestrum magni sane ponderis aestimantes, peculiaris
    benevolentiae Nostrae pignus, Epistolicam Benedictionem Vobis peramanter
    impertimus.

    Ex Aedibus Vaticanis, die XIII mensis Octobris, anno MMXIV,
    Pontificatus Francisci altero.

    BENEDICTUS PP. XVI

    • Oh, would that you COULD bless a blog, Your Holiness! Richard Rohr’s is just begging for one….

      • Ah, so sorry… vellem essem qui possem!

      • W Meyer

        …for an exorcism, perhaps.

    • See? I told you so…

    • Paul Schultz

      Best of luck with your petition for reinstatement!

  • Michael L. Diveley

    This does not make sense

    • AreAy

      Really?

    • FYI: this is a parody site. It’s the “Catholic Onion.”

      • Michael L. Diveley

        I figured that but until I read the last 3 “sacraments” I believed they would a sacrament welcoming homosexuals, divorced and remarried and those who use contriciptives

        • TomD

          Don’t contriciptives hurt?

  • Only 10… that’s unfair to these others. Is Cardinal Kasper discriminating?

    #11. Parish picnics

    #12. blessing pets

    #13. reading Eye of the Tiber

  • WayfarinStranger

    Gonna take a penitential journey,
    Get those nullity decrees,
    Gonna make a penitential journey,
    Probe old wounds, and memories

    Hopin’ for a radical sanation,
    So we get our marriage blessed
    When we have that ol’ convalidation,
    We’ll be feeling much less stressed.

    Seven, that’s how many months, it’s seven,
    Being done will feel like heaven!
    Countin’ every page of paperwork
    We did not shirk

    Never thought my heart could be so yearny,
    Or the Church could feel like home,
    Glad we took that penitential journey,
    And aligned with Rome, Sweet Rome.

  • And here I thought that Eye of the Tiber was a satirical blog. 🙁

  • Cajun

    I can’t believe any of this…Christmas trees weren’t already a Sacrament?!?

    …Then where did Jesus find His presents every December 25th?

  • George Pecoraro

    Well, if John Paul could add a set of mysteries to the Rosary, ….

    • Dominic Mason

      But those extra five mysteries were supposed to correspond to the new 50 Psalms published by Oregon Press.

    • Marie Van Gompel Alsbergas

      Those are the mysteries of Extra-Ordinary times! That’s when you use the green Rosary!

  • Brian Stine

    To my knowledge it wasn’t until the council of Trent that they actually separated the Sacraments into 7 categories.

  • Kristjan Ahčin

    I see this is a joke … how could a christmas tree be a “sacrament”…it’s like saying the pontifical gloves and socks should be made into a sacrament for the bishops, archbishops, the cardinals and the pope. (maybe then they could ad sacramental thighty whites as well, we all know cardinal Burke would be ecstatic about all of these)

  • Nick B

    Bingo should have been added some years ago. Now it’s probably too damn late!

  • Mike

    What a flipped out evil Satan follower.

  • Deacon-Joe Pasquella

    If the Cardinal Kasper the friendly Ghost really said that Christ’s Sacraments were not enough for the Salvation of the mankind, then he is deceived by the devil. Remember the warning, not to add or subtract the from the Gospel, not to preach another Gospel , even if you think you were visited by an angel, or even if St. Paul himself came to you……

  • ithakavi

    A year ago this was satire. Now it’s about to be an Apostolic Exhortation.

  • Origen52

    Sorry, but #9 discriminates against the marginalized that cannot afford high speed internet. And #10 is offensive to the Pope’s new found friends atheists and Muslims.

    Therefore, I propose:
    #9 taking solemn vow to hold no beliefs except those announced by the pope during his meandering daily homilies

    #10 conferring of the power of discernment, which gives one the ability to know what Jesus truly said better than those who lived with him

  • Origen52

    Sorry, but #9 discriminates against the marginalized that cannot afford high speed internet. And #10 is offensive to the Pope’s new found friends atheists and Muslims.

    Therefore, I propose:
    #9 taking solemn vow to hold no beliefs except those announced by the pope during his meandering daily homilies

    #10 conferring of the power of discernment, which gives one the ability to know what Jesus truly said better than those who lived with him

    However in the spirit of not being a fundamental Pharisee I am open to all other suggestions