New Poll Shows 86% Of Nominal Catholic Women Not Sure How To Outwhore Last Year’s Halloween Costume

October 31, 2014 by  
Filed under Parish Life

Los Angeles, CA––As part of an effort to find out how some nominal Catholic women were preparing to outwhore last year’s costumes, more than 8 out of 10 nominal Catholic women polled had absolutely no clue about how they could possibly outskank their previous year’s costume, according to a EOTT Research Center survey released today.

“We know that more and more nominal Catholic women are facing numerous challenges when it comes to finding new ways to scandalize the Church, which is the reason our company has taken upon itself the duty of helping these women in their time of need,” said Angie Michelson, who runs the non-profit group Catholics Without Dignity, a company that focuses on training young women on how to “slut up” even the most innocent costumes.

“Lukewarm Catholic women need to know that there is a solution and that they’re not alone. Many desperate women come in a few months before Halloween with questions such as ‘How can I make this angel costume more prostitey,’ or ‘how can I better skankify this Ebola hazmat suit?’ Recently, we had a woman come in with the same prostitute costume she wore last year, asking if there was anyway to slut it up to a point that not only scandalized the Church, but prostitutes themselves.”

Michelson’s suggestion to those struggling with how to better “tramp-up” their costumes and scandalize those around them: “Go to Mass and look around at some of the parishioners. Masses at Catholic colleges can be a goldmine of inspiration.”

  • kamiller42

    Milk through the nose funny!

  • BCSWowbagger

    Nope. Swing and a miss. Humor is funny when it reflects life, but relatively few women ENJOY the fact that their ONLY costume options are now “sexy.”

    So this ends up just being several paragraphs of calling 86% of women whores, which is not only not funny, but pretty offensive. I believe the P.C. term is “slut-shaming,” which isn’t a term I like, but fits here.

    • James McDonald

      Those are NOT their only options.

      • BCSWowbagger

        True. They can make their own. That’s what my family had to do this year.

      • T. Audrey Glamour

        Another option is to not go out and to live so far out in the country no one comes to your door. (I should qualify that–no one dares come to your door…)

    • Joseph

      I agree. When people do shameful things, good people should just ignore them. It may be shameful to dress like a slut, but you have no right to point it out!

      • Brigid

        We have a right to point it out! It’s called not being apathetic to the state of other people’s souls. Lust is a mortal sin. If a someone is causing a mortal sin (lust) in someone else ignorantly we should point it out. Otherwise how will the person ever stop.

        Admonish the sinner is one the of the 7 Spiritual Works of Mercy. Look it up.

    • kamiller42

      Wait. So 100% of women are nominal Catholics? Are there no faith filled Catholic women?

    • AreAy

      First of all, what the hell is “slut-shaming?” You just made that up. Admit it.

      Secondly, if you’re going to state that “relatively few women enjoy the fact that their only costume options are now ‘sexy'”, I’m going to immediately conclude that a.) You haven’t met very many women, and b.) You haven’t taken a look at any Halloween costume options aside from the slutty ones.

      Therefore, stop looking at photos of women in slutty Halloween costumes and meet more women in real life. This solves both issues concerned with your statement.

      Happy Whoreaween.

      • HappyCatholic

        Well, “slut shaming” is an actual term… that aside, you’ve got a great point. “Sexy costume or no costume” are not a woman’s only options. I know one who went as a 1940’s Girl this year; there are always ways to find a good costume from the stuff in your closet or by doing a little thrift shopping.

    • Jude

      No, there are plenty of options. Better to go without a costume than to whore it up.

      • T. Audrey Glamour

        I don’t know about that…nude leaves nothing to the imagination.

    • Brigid

      The last time I tried to find a good costume at a Halloween store was several years ago. I’m too old to go now. The only female costume I could find that wasn’t slutty was a white and black lined prisoner outfit so that’s what I bought.

      I think that people should make homemade costumes because the store ones are made to reveal too much. I always felt shameful in them.

  • K Koenig

    Don’t you know you can’t use the word slut or whore anymore? People might get offeeeeended.

  • glool!

    • AreAy

      glol indeed, my friend. glol indeed.

      • dwduck

        Hey, at least she’s not telling you how her sister made $8600 last month working from h*om*e, or some other improbably punctuated version therein.

  • disqus_jAgkF26GnD

    Not funny :/ just different variations of the word “slut”.

  • Marie Van Gompel Alsbergas

    This one flopped. I have seen some pretty awful costumes lately, on both males and females.

  • David Poecking

    A local university last year reached so low, it’s hard to imagine getting lower.

  • Lee Bacchi

    I’m not sure I know what this piece is satirizing, and why “nominal Catholic women” are the subject. Can anyone please enlighten?

    • Jude

      The satire is in the fact that this dilemma does not truly exist. There are a wealth of costume options for those who are looking to be scandalous. And the last couple of lines are dead on. Having seen a mother of a baby being baptized wearing a skin-tight, red dress with a low-cut back to show off her large tattoo and teenage girls wearing Daisy Duke shorts, tube tops, and jeans that fit like saran wrap to Mass, I can attest that we have plenty of women whoring it up for Mass.

      • Lee Bacchi

        Ok, thanks, Jude. But I saw plenty of women dressed in non-sexy costumes (e.g., Annie Oakley, witches, even one as Jane Austen).

        • T. Audrey Glamour

          I hope that was for Halloween and not Mass…

          • Lee Bacchi

            Yes, it was for Halloween, but wearing an Annie Oakley, Jane Austen or witch costume to the vigil Mass (which was not needed this year, since Nov. 1 was not a day of obligation) before going to a Halloween gathering would not have bothered me.

    • Brigid

      Because the Catholic Church teaches that deliberate lust is a sin. Ideally devout Catholic women would try to avoid causing the sin of lust by wearing clothes that aren’t too revealing. Nominal Catholics would be more likely to ignore church teaching. (Nominal means in name only).

  • kag1982

    Most of us Catholic women nominal or otherwise are too busy to celebrate Halloween.

    • CorvetteKid1969

      I’d love to go as a Kag woman, but I’d scare the kids.

      • Mike Fassoli

        As per a directive from The Caucus: “All individuals must CEASE IMMEDIATELY using Group IDs and establish their own. Trolling and/or petty arguing with NCR-types is also dissuaded.”

        Please comply, Tom. Thanks !

  • cj howard

    So true. SOOOOO Funny!!!!!

  • Christi H

    I don’t particularly like this one because it is too much of a blanket. It paints almost all women as sluts. That’s just too far. Not really funny, just offensive.