Millions Around The World Shocked To Learn They’ve Been Mourning The Destruction Of A Catholic Cathedral

April 17, 2019 by  
Filed under Parish Life

Telling news reporters that they were in “utter disbelief” that they’ve been mourning the destruction of what they mistakenly believed was nothing more than a “museum of sorts,” people from around the world announced today that they were devastated to learn that Notre Dame is actually a Catholic cathedral. “The Catholic Church stands for everything that is wrong with religion,” said witness Darin Gruber, saying that he would have been rejoicing,... Read More

Local Catholic Scrambling Like Hell To Find A Notre Dame Social Media Filter To Make Everything All Better

April 15, 2019 by  
Filed under Parish Life

Expressing anxiety at not being able to find the perfect Notre Dame Instagram filter to make himself feel better after learning of the fires, local Catholic Denis Moore told friends and family Monday that he may have to cancel plans until one was found. “Today’s been really rough on Denis,” said Moore’s wife, Donna. “It’s our anniversary and he had to cancel. He called in sick from work and hasn’t eaten a bite of food since the news... Read More

Homeschool Mom Bribed Hundreds Of Dollars To Get Daughter Into Homeschool

March 14, 2019 by  
Filed under Parish Life

Local mom Annette Bule allegedly paid close to $250 to fix her daughter’s entrance into homeschool. Bule is accused of paying a “fixer,” and close friend of her husband named Anthony Newman, to guarantee that her husband would agree to homeschool their daughter. Annette Bule, along with neighbor Kendell Betts, were among the 3 parents indicted at the conclusion of the Knights of Columbus investigation named “Big White Van.”... Read More

Idiot Middle Schooler Asks If She Can Pray For The Devil

March 12, 2019 by  
Filed under Parish Life

After having been asked for the ninth consecutive week whether the devil could one day go to heaven “if he said sorry and acted good from now on,” local middle school teacher Janice Shiffman acknowledged Monday that she has clearly underestimated just how dumb some student questions can be at times. “The middler schooler in question constantly asks questions like whether she can pray for the devil, even though I’ve told... Read More

Local Man Giving Up For Lent

March 6, 2019 by  
Filed under Parish Life

Telling friends that he had been considering “going big” for Lent for some time now, local parishioner Mike Harvey confirmed Wednesday that he was finally ready to commit to giving up for Lent. “Usually, I just give up something lame like sweets or coffee, but by the time Easter comes around, I never really feel like I’ve done enough,” said Harvey, adding that he knew a few friends who had given up for Lent and... Read More

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