Color Blind Priest Having Trouble Doing The Red, Saying The Black

October 11, 2018 by  
Filed under Parish Life

  Explaining his frustrations at not being able to properly do the red and say the black in his missal during Mass, local color blind priest Father Richard Wendell asked congregants to try as best as they can to just ignore him. “…quia peccavi nimis cogitatione, verbo, et opera strike breast three times, mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa,” Wendell said aloud, realizing he had made yet another mistake as people began to murmur. “You gotta... Read More

Local Parish Abandons Mass So As Not To Distract From Parishioners’ Conversations

October 5, 2018 by  
Filed under Parish Life

  Local pastor Fr. Robert Dunn reported to his congregation in the parish newsletter this morning that beginning the week after Christmas, all Masses were to be replaced by an hour of “straight-up fellowship.” This news came as no shock to many of the parishioners who said that the Mass had been disintegrating for some time before the announcement was made official. “Oh yeah, we saw this coming a mile away,” said 43-year-old parishioner Jacob... Read More

Groundbreaking New Drug Helps Parishioners Cope With Devastating Sound Of Church Band Playing During Mass

September 24, 2018 by  
Filed under Parish Life

  A new anti-anxiety drug called Xanoft is now being offered to parishioners as young as five-years-old to help curb the devastating effects of the sound of bad church music, scientist are reporting. The drug, which many parishioners are calling a “miracle,” is said to be able to soften the senses to the sounds of guitar, tambourine, and other instruments when played inside of a Church. “It’s the most amazing drug on the market,” said local... Read More

Report: Most Of The Sins You’ve Ever Confessed Were Not Forgiven Because The Priest Used The Wrong Formula Of Absolution

September 13, 2018 by  
Filed under Parish Life

  A report released today by the Congregation for the Doctrine of Faith has revealed that most, if not all, of the sins you’ve ever confessed in your lifetime were never actually forgiven due to the use of improper absolution. According to the 76-page report, which took into account forgotten or neglected words, as well as coughs and sneezes during absolution, which clearly negates and supersedes the priest’s intent to absolve, almost every... Read More

USCCB Approves New ‘The Word On The Street’ Translation Of The Lord Of The Rings

September 12, 2018 by  
Filed under Parish Life

  The United States Conference of Catholic Bishops announced today that they have officially approved a new “The Word on the Street” translation of J.R.R. Tolkien’s The Lord of the Rings. “Our aim is not only to get this wonderful classic into the hands of the youth, but to have them fully understand what Tolkien’s words actually mean,” USCCB spokesman Jeffrey Kerrigan said in a press conference earlier this afternoon. “It’s not enough... Read More

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