Catholic Church Says No To Gluten-Free Catholics Entering Heaven

July 13, 2017 by  
Filed under Parish Life

Image: Paterm

Image: Paterm   [News Brief] A new letter to Catholic bishops this week from the Vatican has sparked outrage from gluten-free Catholics who learned that they cannot attain salvation no matter how holy they are. The announcement drew criticism from many in the Church, though the letter simply reaffirmed a centuries-old teaching stating that gluten-free Catholics are not in full communion with the Church, and are therefore cut off from the saving grace... Read More

Catholic Mom Confident That Nice, Pretty Girl Who Sits Behind Her At Mass Would Be Perfect For Her Deadbeat Son

July 11, 2017 by  
Filed under Parish Life

  The mother of local deadbeat Anthony Green confirmed to friends and family today that the sweet, pretty girl that sits behind her at Mass on Sundays would be “just perfect” for her son. Tamara Green, mother of four, excitedly told those gathered at their weekly bingo night that the “adorable thing” is just what her son needed to get his life on track. “When I first saw her, I definitely thought she could be the one I’ve been... Read More

Catechism Student Loan Debt Reaches $1.8 Hundred Nationwide

July 6, 2017 by  
Filed under Parish Life

Debt

  Total catechism student loan debt in the U.S. has officially topped $1.8 hundred dollars. In March, the Francis administration announced a series of changes to the Free Application For Federal Catechism Aid (FAFCA), the form for prospective catechists applying for church financial aid. This measure was taken in the hopes of making the burden of learning the fundamentals of Catholicism more manageable. EOTT has found in a recent study that cradle... Read More

Man With “Only God Can Judge Me” Tattoo Most Likely Going To Hell

June 22, 2017 by  
Filed under Parish Life

  Sources at the USCCB confirmed today that notorious womanizer and overall prick Brody Kakedelis, who once attended St. Thomas More Academy, will most likely end up in hell, despite a new tattoo he has on his forearm reading, “Only God Can Judge Me.” 32-year-old Kakedelis, who has reportedly been involved in numerous altercations with law enforcement after nights of binge drinking and getting into fights with at least three live-in girlfriends,... Read More

YOUCAT Releases YOUROSE, The New Fidget Spinner Rosary

June 15, 2017 by  
Filed under Parish Life

YOUCAT announced last month the release of their new fidget spinner rosary called YOUROSE, a fifty-nine-pronged rosary/toy intended to minimize distraction during prayers, and since then, it has taken the Catholic world by storm. Seen spinning in the hands of children, adults, and now even priests during Mass, YOUROSE has even caught the Pope’s attention, who was seen on video last week during his weekly General Audience praying with his own spinner. Churches... Read More

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