Parish Council Places Severed Horse Head On Pastor’s Bed As A Warning

March 28, 2017 by  
Filed under Parish Life

Local pastor Fr. Richard Woltz woke up beside the severed head of his prize thoroughbred this morning after refusing a request from parish council leader Vito Cangialosi to allow his godson to participate as an altar boy at the upcoming Easter Vigil. An anonymous source told EOTT that just days after Cangialosi’s godson, Anthony Fontane, asked his godfather to pressure Fr. Woltz into giving him altar boy duties, Cangialosi sent parish council representative... Read More

Cohabiting Couple Careful To Observe Fish On Fridays

March 24, 2017 by  
Filed under Parish Life

Lent

Local Catholic couple Jenny Barkley and David Rondo, who have been cohabiting for two years with no intention of marrying, announced to friends during lunch today that they would have to stick to fish options due to the Lenten fast. “I grew up super Catholic,” Barkley said. “My mom would kill me if she found out we weren’t observing the Church’s laws on abstinence…from meat.” Rondo agreed with his girlfriend, but also said that... Read More

Woman Who Gave Up Gossip For Lent Really Looking Forward To Sunday

March 16, 2017 by  
Filed under Parish Life

gossip

St. James Catholic Church parishioner Lydia Valdez, who gave up gossip for Lent, announced to friends late last night that she could not wait until Sunday so that she could catch up on all the gossip. The 29-year-old mother of two told friends that she was excited to hear about what “really happened with Liz.” “I overheard a couple co-workers talking about what Liz in accounting really got fired for,” Valdez told EOTT. “I wanna break my fast... Read More

Major Seismic Activity Recorded After Cantor’s Overuse Of Vibrato  

March 13, 2017 by  
Filed under Parish Life

Earthquake

Several small earthquakes have been recorded over the past day in Southern California after St. Agatha Catholic Church cantor Beverly Hope overused her vibrato during Mass. The most recent was earlier this morning in La Mesa, California, but experts say that earthquakes occur nearly every Sunday across the country, especially during the Recessional. Director of Earthquake Studies at Holy Trinity Catholic Church in Glendale, California Tom Stewart has... Read More

Ushers Boldly Enter Church For Unprecedented Fourth Collection

March 7, 2017 by  
Filed under Parish Life

In what many are calling a supernatural display of audacity, ushers at St. Perpetua Catholic Church have made their way back into the church for a record breaking fourth collection. “Everyone has been through two collections,” St. Perpetua parishioner Dorothy Arlen told EOTT after Mass. “A few of us can even remember the now legendary 2014 Second Sunday of Lent Collection Caper when a third collection was taken up for retired priests or something.... Read More

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