Gregory The Great Wins Grammy For Best Chant

February 13, 2017 by  
Filed under Parish Life

Saint Gregory the Great was awarded the Grammy for Best Chant last night at the 59th annual Grammy Awards. Accepting his award for ‘Salve’ the Roman artist paid tribute to Jesus Christ, whom he said he loved “like a father.” “I can’t possibly accept this award,” a clearly emotional Gregory said in his acceptance speech. “I’m very humble and I’m grateful and gracious, but the music of my life is Corsican,... Read More

Uber To Begin Offering Sacrament Delivery With New UberMass App

February 8, 2017 by  
Filed under Parish Life

Image: Alexander Torrenegra

Image: Alexander Torrenegra Uber has announced plans to begin offering Mass deliveries beginning early next year. Attempting to expand beyond the borders of ridesharing and food delivery, Uber will launch its UberMass service in Grand Rapids, Michigan before expanding to other cities later in the year. According to listings on a number of job recruiting websites, UberMass is advertising for a number of “priest jobs” not only ranging from saying Mass,... Read More

Patriots Head Coach Bill Belichick Pleased With How Deal With The Devil Coming Along

February 6, 2017 by  
Filed under Parish Life

Image: Keith Allison

  Image: Keith Allison In what many are calling the most exciting deal a human being has ever made with the Devil, The New England Patriots came back from a 28-3 deficit to win their fifth Super Bowl. Under the leadership of the damned soul of the Patriots head coach, which was signed over to the Devil in 2002 in a blockbuster contract, Belichick, under the guidance of Satan, was able script the most miraculous comeback in Super Bowl history for quarterback... Read More

Traditionalist-Charismatic Catholic Believes Only Men Should Play Guitar During Mass

January 31, 2017 by  
Filed under Parish Life

Local traditionalist-charismatic Catholic Keith Hubbard announced to friends late Monday night that he believed that, according to the ancient traditions of the charismatic Church, women should not be permitted to play the guitar during Mass. “I think the Church’s insistence that only fingers belonging to a male ought to strum or pluck the strings of a guitar during Mass is a way of telling the faithful that the lead guitarist takes on a sort of in... Read More

Catholic Rock Band Not Surprised To Learn They’re Going Hell

January 27, 2017 by  
Filed under Parish Life

Image: Feliciano Guimarães

Image: Feliciano Guimarães Just days after completing their whirlwind three-parish praise and worship tour, Catholic rock band Smug Self-Righteous Gutter Trash were saddened, though not the least bit surprised, to find out they were all doomed to eternal hellfire for their music. Gutter Trash lead singer Koby Doyle told EOTT this morning that he and his fellow bandmates learned of the news just after a concert when “the angel of the Lord appeared... Read More

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