New Protestant “Achilles’ Heel Free Bible” Omits Matthew 16:18, Book of James

January 19, 2017 by  
Filed under Parish Life

Protestant book publisher Branch Of A Branch Publishing announced today the publication of their new Achilles’ Heel Free Bible, which is said to omit Matthew 16:18 and The Book of James. Branch Of A Branch Publishing founder and president Pastor Blake Williams told EOTT this morning that he “thought it time to relieve the stress from Protestants who stumble across awkward passages while studying the Good Word.” “We all obviously... Read More

San Diego Bishop McElroy To Relocate To Los Angeles

January 12, 2017 by  
Filed under Parish Life

San Diego bishop Robert McElroy announced today that he would be relocating to Los Angeles, ending a two-year stint with San Diego. McElroy has notified Pope Francis and other bishops of his intent to move to Los Angeles by the 2017 Lenten season, sources said. “At first I hoped it was fake news,” San Diego Hall of Fame bishop Robert Brom said of the move. “It’s something that is unfathomable, but it is reality.” “This... Read More

Incense Vaping: The Latest Danger At Roman Seminaries

January 10, 2017 by  
Filed under Parish Life

A recent uptick in admissions to Roman hospitals has Swiss Guards concerned after seminarians in various colleges in and around the Vatican have turned to vaping powerful blends of incense. The problem reached a crescendo on Epiphany Eve when thirteen seminarians from the North American College overdosed while vaping contraband incense at a Three Kings Party. The incense found by authorities during a raid at the party is a powerful and pure blend that... Read More

Priest Selling Contraband Blessings In The Sketchy End Of Parish Arrested

January 3, 2017 by  
Filed under Parish Life

Father Martin Jones has been arrested for selling contraband papal blessings near the south end of St. Agatha parish after authorities found a trunk full knockoff religious goods and blessings. The thirty year-old priest was arrested in the early hours of morning Mass yesterday after several parishioners admitted to purchasing blessings and intersessions at below market prices. The arrest took place in the abandoned part of the church where the tabernacle... Read More

Santa Claus’ Contract Extended Through 2023 Christmas Season

December 22, 2016 by  
Filed under Parish Life

The Nativity Financial League (NFL) announced today that Santa Claus signed an 11th hour, 6 year contract extension.  It was widely reported that Santa was unhappy with his existing contract and was planning to sit out the 2016 Christmas Season.  Under pressure from commercial sponsors, the League and Santa scrambled to come to an agreement that saved the 2016 Season. Recruited out of a small program in Bari, Italy, Santa in his rookie year signed a... Read More

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