New “Crucifix For Her” Product Goes On Sale Just In Time For Christmas

November 10, 2014 by  
Filed under Parish Life

For centuries overly masculine crucifixes dominated the Catholic market, but one company is set to change that by unveiling their all-new line of crucifixes made “just for her”.

The product descriptions reads, Crucifix For Her has an elegant design – just for Her! It features a thin vertical beam designed to fit a women’s hand as she prays. Deeply sensational, totally feminine, and as contemporary as you are, this crucifix is never afraid to be Glam.

Product designer Donald Clow told EOTT this morning that he wasn’t originally looking to revolutionize the crucifix industry; just the way women pray. “Let’s just be honest…Catholic women like to take care of themselves spiritually as well as physically. So we’ve created a crucifix that not only saves them spiritually, but physically. Gone are the days when a woman needs to leave the adoration chapel to reapply her makeup. Now they can simply flip out the fold-out mirror attached to the crucifix. I guess you can call this the Swiss Army crucifix for women. And if you get the upgraded version, you’ll be treated to a crucifix with time-released deodorant spray available in four fragrances, as well as twist off bottom which opens up to reveal your favorite shade of lipstick. Now that’s what I call being saved.”

  • A big step forward to gender equality! But am I the only one finding it disturbing that this item features Polly Pocket’s friend Jesusette topless?

    • Sr. Mary Brigid

      Oh, it’s very disturbing, Your Holiness. I don’t know how to even BEGIN to pray for the soul who invented this. The Lady of Grace statue standing next to my laptop is even averting her eyes….

    • Mara319

      A teeny-weeny lei of plumeria will fix that, I’m sure.

      No, not quite up to the gender-equality mark yet, Papa Bene, but getting there. The kit will have to include an automized mini- bottle of Jeannine Gramick perfume roughly equivalent to the Francis Cologne, but hopefully not as much smelling like sheep:

      Or perhaps a subtly elegant “Benedetta” fragrance for women to balance this:

    • fredx2

      Your Holiness, Pope Francis has made all things new. We can do that now. All has been set free.

  • It looks like somebody just repackaged a girls’ first-communion crucifix.

  • Veronica

    Hope the lipstick comes in colors geared to the different skin shades, from Anglo to Hispanic to African-American.

  • madmoosemomma

    I hope proceeds go to breast cancer research….

  • Sr. Mary Brigid

    This will be perfect for the next LCWR fundraiser! And I hear that the periwinkle blue “My Little Mass Kit” is set for release next Ash Wednesday! (Bedazzler not included.)

    • HappyCatholic

      Sister, your comments never cease to make my day brighter. God bless you and your wonderful sense of humor!

  • T. Audrey Glamour

    I don’t see any purchasing information.

  • Paul Meisenhelder

    Does it come in processional cross size?

    • T. Audrey Glamour

      I would have loved one of those when is was an altar girl! We would have been competing to see who would be cross bearer!

  • Gillian Trewinnard

    I’m puzzled. The ad suggests women used to have to leave the adoration chapel to reapply their make-up in front of a mirror. Why don’t they just use the reflection in the sacramental vessels or brass crucifix, like I do?

    • Catholic Jester

      Those sacramental vessels are made out of glass, and not the kind you can see your reflection in.