Benedict Confirms Epic Kegger At Apostolic Palace During Francis Visit To U.S.

November 18, 2014 by  
Filed under Vatican

VATICAN– Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI confirmed Monday that he will make his first visit to the Apostolic Palace in September to host and attend a raging kegger.

The news comes just hours after Pope Francis announced plans to attend a meeting on the family in Philadelphia, or as Benedict called it, “Snoozapalooza.”

In a statement made to friends gathered Monday, Benedict said, “I wish to confirm that in September of 2015, I will throw the most epic, off-the-chain party the Vatican has seen since the 15th century.”

Benedict has already traveled to South Beach, San Diego, Las Vegas, Brazil and elsewhere in the 20 months he has been retired, and his rager at the Apostolic Palace will come at a pivotal moment for the Roman Catholic Church.

“I believe that Benedict knows what a stressful time it has been for the faithful these past few months,” said an anonymous source. “With so many Catholics trying to explain to friends and co-workers, as well as themselves, what actually happened at the Synod on the Family, Benedict thinks it’s time to unwind with an ‘Irish Car Bomb’ or two, a couple games of ‘Whiskey Pong,’ and some ‘keg stands.’”

The source went on to remind everyone invited to keep the “bender” on the “D Lo” until “papa’s” gone.

  • Matt Kososki

    Even more epic than the Flip-adelphia Flip Cup tournament Pope Francis is hosting?

    • Yes. Even more epic than John XXIII’s Satyricon theme party of ’61 which later inspired Fellini.

  • Sr. Mary Brigid

    Your Holiness, could you cordon off the bus parking by the Palace? Cuz every time those LCWR nuns show up at a rager, it’s a real buzzkill.

    • Manuel

      Congratulations, Sister: you have won the Internet.

    • Jonathan Cariveau

      You are basically my working definition of an awesome religious.

      • She is also mine! Were she a blogger, she would definitely be eligible for a Sister Robusta Prize.

        • Sr. Mary Brigid

          Ach, I am blushing…and because I delighted momentarily in the compliments, I am sure I will someday have to pirouette in purgatory for a few eons longer….but it may be worth it.

          • T. Audrey Glamour

            I am already praying for you.

            For whatever that’s worth…

          • Me, too, of course. I couldn’t tempt anyone to spend several aeons in purgatory without even trying to compensate.

    • Alles klar, I’ll tell Georg.

      It’s really better not to have them around: last time I threw a party, they mistook the train of Card. Burke’s cappa magna for a red carpet. Poor Ray nearly broke his tailbone trying to take a run-up to jump into the ball-pit, when he was held back by the nun-charged watered silk.

  • Cajun

    This will be the perfect way to cap off the priestly fraternity rush week. I just hope SSPX doesn’t pull anything to mess up the party – they’re already on secret double probation!

  • WayfarinStranger

    I just GOTTA score an invite!

  • Louis Bertrand

    what a crock of holy crap nonsense.

    • T. Audrey Glamour

      A kegger is not a crock…

    • Puffsstuff

      Yes,, and EOTT, is a Sarcasm News Site. The stories aren’t true. They are intended to be funny. Basically Papa Franciscus is gone, and Benedictus as run of the house, and like kids are known to do when the parents are out, he is having a party. —- Hopefully, no one the Anglican Communion Mascot and brings it the kangaroo and then the kangaroo breaks some priceless artefact.

  • HermitTalker

    This sick thread, and fake reports of BXV1 travelling incognito are one reason why the internet can be used by sickos as well as for wholesome, life giving purposes.

    • You should know that this is a satire site. Nothing here is meant to be taken seriously. Please enjoy the stories you find here, and remember: Laughter can be a great remedy against bodily as well as spiritual sickness.

      Satire is not a lie. She may not be true to reality in a literal sense, but has her value of truth on a higher level. Jesus himself told many stories that were not factual reports and were nevertheless an apt means to communicate undubitable truths.

      But good satire is only seemingly about mocking a subject matter: in truth, she aims at her recipients, inducing a cathartic effect in them, thus purifying their affects and emending their intentions.

      A great German scholar once said that a book is like a looking-glass: A monkey gazing into it will not see an apostle looking back. This is especially true for satire: if you use satire the right way, your benefit will go beyond mere amusement, but you will also gain awareness and humility.

      • T. Audrey Glamour

        And I thought you were only posing as Benedict XVI…

        • To be honest: in the beginning, I myself thought so, too.

      • Darran McDonnell

        To be honest, I find this kind of satire is unfortunately beginning to cheapen my perception of things. Far from making me humble.

        • The Church, as often, can be seen as an antitype of everyday life as it should be: She, herself an image of the kingdom of heavens, about which the Lord said: “In my Father’s house are many mansions”, contains many spiritualities under one roof.

          Likewise, in our lives, there is often more than one possibility, and oftentimes, one out of many fits better to a particular person than the others, while there can be options which do harm to ourselves, while the are indifferent or even useful to other people.

          Just imagine the mess if every single Catholic were an Opus Dei man, a Franciscan, or even a Jesuit! Not good! Unicuique suum is certainly better and more fit to mankind.

          If you realise that this kind of satire is able to harm you spiritually, you should perhaps abstain from it for a certain time, 40 days or longer. Then come back with a fresh mind and particularly great vigilance to see if it was your mind, be it out of concupiscence or pushed by the evil spirits, which read EOTT selectively and put the pieces together to a harmful picture, if you can , or if you and this kind of satire just don’t fit together and you should avoid it altogether. Let another person help or even guide you with this! At least, this is how I handle such afflictions.

          Lastly, I would like to say that I find it great that you reflect on your relation to satire instead of just rushing in.

          The Discernment of Spirits is a great gift of the Holy Ghost. Let us be open to it!

          • fredx2

            Always the professor, Holy Father. Teaching and analyzing, as always.

            Pope Francis however, when asked a similar question, had similar thoughts but expressed them in his more casual manner: “Get lost, you Neo Pelagian sourpuss! “

  • HermitTalker

    Apologies for misunderstanding this site. Not my idea of humour since there is so much hate-speech thrown at all the popes these days. Bye.

    • I agree with you about the sad fact of great reservation against myself and my beloved ancestors and successor even in people who could otherwise be good Catholics. The sad thing about this is that they believe they have to reject the man holding the office at a certain time out of love for the Church or the papacy.

      Perhaps this is my selective perception, but I think I already have read some pieces of satire here which can well be applied to the über-criticism against Francis you seem to mention.

  • Louis Bertrand

    BXV1 is not head any more so not infallible and therefore may offer poisoned beer and present it is genuine .That would make him a fake like other protestant self-anointed interpreters of what God actually wrote.

    • T. Audrey Glamour

      To paraphrase a prior post on this topic…

      “what a keg of holy (insert word I do not use here) nonsense.”

    • Andy, Bad Person

      Don’t look now, but infallibility is no protection against a pope offering poisoned beer.

  • Manuel

    Did someone notice the papal shoes in the picture? Brilliant.

    • Sr. Mary Brigid

      But of course! The Papal footwear has always been “Solo-Cup Red.”

    • Of course only a preliminary visualization. The actual kegger will be much more impressive.

  • Lee Bacchi

    By invitation only, or is anyone invited??

  • Anthony Kaiser

    So, I note the dates of this coincide with the grand festivities in Pope Benedict’s former See city Munich (the other being Freising). Is the former Pontiff planning to rival the Oktoberfest? That IS the KEGGER of KEGGERS, after all.

    • Jim

      Can’t say who I heard this from, but I’m told that B16 said, “This is going to make Oktoberfest look like the after-party for a Knights of Columbus softball game.”

  • Adam Welp

    Is there any truth to the rumors of Benedict XVI’s entry in Rome’s next Cosplay contest? I’m also hearing that both Benedict and Francis are set to make a joint appearance at this year’s San Diego Comic-Con.

  • Michael Leggett

    Like after a Knights of Columbus Softball Game? I will drink to that, though now it will be VitaminWater Zero or Coca Cola Zero.

  • Michael Kavanagh


  • MissTrixieB

    A kegger with cans?????????? Sacrilegious!