BREAKING: Vatican To Posthumously Grant Henry VIII Annulment; Queen To Dissolve Church Of England  

December 26, 2014 by  
Filed under Politics

Sources in the Vatican are now confirming that Pope Francis has agreed to posthumously grant King Henry VIII an annulment from Catherine of Aragon. Numerous reports have come out in the past couple of days about the possibility of such a move, with aides close to Queen Elizabeth telling EOTT that such a decision on the Vatican’s part would essentially end the centuries old schism.

Media outlets in England are also reporting that once the annulment takes effect, that Queen Elizabeth will relinquish her claim as “Defender of the Faith and Supreme Governor of the Church of England.”

The Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby, spoke to the media today, saying, “This is, indeed, an historic moment, and I shall welcome reunion with Rome. Everyone must understand that all the shite we we’ve been doing with regards to the ordination of women and openly-homosexual men has only been in retaliation.” Welby went on to confirm that he would “stop the charade” once the decree of nullity was made official.

  • joxxer

    WHAT????????????????????????

    • kmh620

      Breathe easy. It’s Eye of the Tiber satire. They “break” (as in foul up) Catholic news so “you” (secular media/uninformed Catholics) don’t have to. hee hee

  • defiant12314

    If Only

  • Gisèle A. Demers

    Another insane heresy of Francis…The annulment are invalid! It wouldn’t do very much good…another reason to promote the ugly ecumenical bride…

    • cececole

      Get a grip on yourself–this is a satire site.

    • Dr. Philip Tan-Gatue

      “Disclaimer: all articles contained within this website are pure satire!”

      • Joseph Bragotti

        no kidding…..

        • Dr. Philip Tan-Gatue

          just a reminder for some who may have forgotten.

    • Jennifer Roback Morse Phd

      MSA* Nomination
      (*= Missed Satire Award)

      • Ginkgo100

        So awarded!

    • Joseph Bragotti

      Ding-dong! It’s a joke!

      • byrresheim

        Nevertheless a pity.

    • Nothing like satire to expose the overly serious heart of anti-Catholic haters.

      • Ginkgo100

        Not sure if it’s a Protestant anti-Catholic hater, or a radical-traditionalist anti-Catholic hater.* Actually, there’s not much difference between the two…

        *Please don’t freak out, I’m not talking about all traditionalists here, just the schismatic/heretical/etc. ones.

        • You are right. It is all the same spirit, just different manifestations of the same.

        • HappyCatholic

          Agreed. As a Trad myself, I get annoyed with the ones who say they’re “leaving the Church because of Pope Francis.” Like seriously? Real Trads stay close to the Chair of St. Peter. Until the day I get some factual, conclusive evidence that Papa Francisco is not a legitimate Pope (and I mean like something crazy happened at the conclave), I’m going to look to him as the head of the Bride of Christ- and trust the Holy Spirit, instead of the super-liberal media reporting.
          (BTW, it’s funny how many of the so-called “scandals” of Pope Francis disappear when you do a little investigating).

          • Adam Hovey

            I don’t need to be a rad trad because I have a tradition that is radical. I am sure you feel the same way, and I am glad you know what being a real traditionalist is about.

        • Adam Hovey

          SSPX=Protestant with a Valid Eucharist

    • Adam Hovey

      Name a single Heresy of Pope Francis. Oh, you can’t, because there isn’t one. This is is obviously for humour, which I am guessing you lack. SSPX or SSPV?

      • Gisèle A. Demers

        There’s no God…there’s only the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit… (to fight the mystery of Holy Trinity ( three persons in one God…
        There’s no Catholic God….
        subjective conscience…
        Atheist can go to heaven if they follow their subjective conscience …their relative truths…
        No objective truths….
        Do you have enough…

        • Andy, Bad Person

          Huh. Well, you did well in listing a bunch of things Francis never said.

          • Gisèle A. Demers

            Are you sure you don’t mean …“ you never read!“ or have been informed of…that’s a total different situation…

  • Marie Van Gompel Alsbergas

    An Historic Moment? I would say more of an “histrionic” moment.

  • rocco santa guida

    this is from the Onion, right?

    • Joseph Antoniello

      No; it’s from Eye of the Tiber.

      • socalhobbit

        the Onion, Eye of the Tiber…same thing….all satire..

  • Sr. Mary Brigid

    Huzzah, huzzah! A brilliant stroke for ecumenism…with this done, then deleting that pesky filioque is not far behind! (Does white-out work on 6th century parchment?)

    • BCSWowbagger

      Why aren’t you a regular columnist here yet, Sister? I’d love to read your opinions, not just on ecumenism, but on ordination and income inequality as well! You could call it, “WE ARE CHURCH, by Sister Mary Brigid.”

      (Or possibly “ME AM CHURCH,” but you get the idea.)

      • Sr. Mary Brigid

        How did you know I was starting a column? My working title is, “I Used to Not Be Able to Spell Religious; Now I Are One!”

        (“We Are Church” was already taken….and already excommunicated.)

        • PGMGN

          You need a comedy show, Sr. Thanks for keeping it real and lighthearted. Excellent witness!

        • Fear not! There is hope for “We Are Church”, too:
          http://www.tiberente.de/2014/10/wir-sind-kirche-altritueller-zweig.html

        • Jonathan Watson

          “I Am That We Is?” “We Are That We Are?” “All Your Religious Are Belong to Us?”

          Feels vaguely….sacrilegious….

          • Adrian Johnson

            –Yet harmless: cute photos of cats in nuns’ habits

        • Adrian Johnson

          “Us Bees Church” is available.

      • Say it as would that ecumenical patriarch, Yoda: “Church, we are”

      • ithakavi

        Income inequality? Are some vows of poverty less sincere than others?

    • PixilDot

      White-out works on everything – it’s a miracle!

    • Well, of course the filioque was added only in retaliation.

      (Against what, you ask? ….um…….)

      • Brendan Newell

        Michael, that entire history is rather said. Pope Leo sent a delegation to Constantinople in search of some of that light, fluffy Greek pastry that he had come to admire. So when Cardinal Humbert arrived at the Hagia Sophia and requested the pastry dough ( in Latin “Filo quo”), he was immediately greeted by derision. Admonished by the rudeness at such a simple reqest, he excommunicated the bunch and sailed him. The rest is history 🙁

    • fredx2

      The sad part is the the total number of Catholics, after the C of E is merged back in, will only increase by 34.
      And 25 of those are women priests.

      • Kristjan Ahčin

        wich makes the point mute as women prisets are not accepted by the Church of rome and never will be. Alo all those lay english who have, according to statistics, never been to A chucrh before, will want to keep the dying and decaying CofE simply to spite “the papists”. You know th big protestant issue of the 20. th century protestantism was not filioque or even henry’s annulment but contraception.

        • Tre Tyler Farmer

          I’ll let this guy speak for me.

          https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PDBjsFAyiwA

          • Kristjan Ahčin

            A bit of sarcasm. How does that protestant freedom look now, when you been promised the sharia law? Should of stuck it to her more without the rubber then? Or will you bow to Southeast? 😉

        • Austino

          wake up Mr Rome, is already late. And what do you say to catholics advocating for women priests? Flush them out as usual?

          • Kristjan Ahčin

            There is no such thing as catholics advocating women priests. It can’t hapoen. Ever. Jesus senr 12 MEN to preach. Period. Debate over. We might get married priests, but no women.

          • Austino

            I thought the 12 men were all Jews? Were they Europeans or South Americans? Why also do we exceed that number? Were they followers (disciples) or priests? Why have our bishops ordained more than 12 males in their dioceses? Do we stick to their gender (male or female) or then forget their number (12), their place of origin (Jewish) and their designation (disciples)? This is devoid of any sound theological jugement.

          • wiffle

            There are sound reasons for sticking with male Priests. The rational, when you dig into it with an open mind, is far more complex than she presented.

            If nothing else the fact that those now nominially Christian denominations that have sacraments and women Priests are on a death watch within our lifetimes should give us pause. Catholicism in the Western world is already struggling. No need to add to it with modern follies that presume Priests and Bishops are power centers rather than servants who have Supersized their risk of Hell for the rest of us.

          • Kristjan Ahčin

            you like to spli hairs unde the cover of talking theology don’t you. try reading some Newman like the development of docctrine. I’d hate to quote books at you. I’m from eastern europe. we don’t like to split hairs and/or use high flying empty statements to seem intelectual or witty. We tell an apple from an orange as we see them. your comment, while attempting to be witty is pointless. There are catholics in africa and the korea, china, japan, india, in the subsaharan africa, the US and Canada. Forgot those have you? Seems to be a fashion, wherever YOU come from, to make remarks like this. If I ever get through the maye of empty pointelss scriblle in your comment I’ll try to comment, until then WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU EVEN RANTING ON ABOUT? The last sentence is true though. You are devoid of any sound theology. You too, do it just for the lolz and facebook like count, right? What are you, 13?

          • Marie Van Gompel Alsbergas

            That is an essential LDS argument, btw.

          • MamaFactotum

            We already have married priests! Refer to the Eastern Rites in union with Rome. Also, numerous (though not plentiful) men in Roman Rite who are married and then ordained as priests.

      • Tre Tyler Farmer

        The Church of England will never be ‘merged back’ with the Roman Communion. If you want that, then your Pope must give up his claims to ecclesiastical supremacy.

        • Colin Corcoran

          The church of England is dead and still running. much like a chicken with it’s head cut off. The Catholic Church will gracefully accept the return of so many who have been prodigal for so long – but the women priests and married homosexual bishops and priests will never be accepted. To come back they must pledge their fealty to the Vatican. It’s already happening 😉

          • Austino

            Colin Corcoran, am sick of arrogance mixed with hypocrisy. Who would want a return to Rome? It’s a dead end, and am sick of that idea. A dead chicken that is still running is better that a lifeless stinking elephant. Don’t you think so?

          • Deacon Joseph Pasaquella

            He was not being arrogant, He was just stating the truth. The C of E and all like it have not valid sacraments, not true priesthood, it is just dress up and make believe. Women who dress like priests and bishops does not make them so. It is wishful thinking at best.
            “they have a form of godliness but lack the power…from such turn away..:” St. Paul the Apostle.

          • Austino

            Deacon Joseph, you are more arrogant than Colin. What makes a sacrament valid or not valid? Pls explain. ‘a form of godliness but lack the power’ is that what you understand it to be? What power doo you think St Paul was talking about? Maybe power to change bread to become automatic body of Christ? I hope you are not having a kid’s sunday school class here? You should be out there evangelising and converting non believers instead of condeming other churches. Even Pope Francis would be ashamed of your arrogance and empty religiousity. It’s so sad when a forgiven sinner does not acknowledge the mercy of God.

          • Philosophizer4Life

            oh Austino, if you only knew what the Mass truly is.. If you truly understood what happens at every single Mass, in every Catholic Church- regardless of how able the Priest is in oration during his homily- there is no way you could state She is a lifeless anything.. For, in Her, the Bride of Christ, there is Life. Not just life, but the giver of Life. For we do not simply have the manna that fell from the heavens during the exodus, which sustained the flesh; but we have The Living Manna, the Real ShrewBread/ Bread of Presence (The Face of God), the Bread that not only feeds the Spirit & gives eternal life, but the Bread OF Life.. For, just as Jesus told us in the Gospel of John.

            I highly recommend reading “The Catholic Mass”, a book written in the mid 17th Century. Or watching any of Scott Hahn’s talks upon this subject. And also recommend all of the talks found of http://www.InstituteofCatholicCulture.org, but would begin w/ “Salvation History”.

            I’d also recommend the Jewish roots of Catholicism… God Bless..

          • Austino

            Philosophizer4Life, it would have been easier to make references to sacred scripture rather than the book on ‘The Catholic Mass’. I think I know what happens at every single mass: the magic of turning bread and wine into the ‘real body and blood of Christ’ as you believe. This has no reference to scripture. “Do this in memory of me” is a call to ‘regular remembrance of that one and only sacrifice’. St Paul adds that ‘whenever you eat this bread, and drink the cup, you proclaim Christ’s death until he comes’. Being a christian does not imply being a Roman Catholic. This is what you have to understand. Jesus Christ has his sheep in every place, but at the fullness of time, he would gather them from the corners of the earth into his Kingdom. The claimm of supremacy of any church or religious body is anathema to Christ. All those books and sites you referred are only put up by dogmatic theologians who may have no personal relationship themselves with Jesus, our blessed Saviour.

          • jemgeach

            Read John chapter 6 for abundant scriptural justification for the fact that what Our Lord gives us is His True Body, not a symbol or a mere memorial.

          • Adrian Johnson

            Yes, and since Pope B16 founded it in 2012 in The UK.
            It’s called the Anglican Ordinariate and the liturgy is gorgeous.

          • Douglas

            Exactly! As a RC priest I wish I could celebrate the Anglican Provision liturgy.

          • Adrian Johnson

            Actually, according to Anglicanorum Coetibus you don’t need permission to celebrate it “for pastoral reasons if you are approached by Catholics requesting you celebrate this liturgy. You may upset your pastor or Bishop, but hey, you’ve got the right. Hint: do this on the QT at the house of someone you can trust. Word will spread among those thirsting for holiness. You all will LOVE this liturgy.

        • ithakavi

          Bishop Vicky – is that you?

      • Pro_aris_et_focis

        Does this mean Thomas More will be uncanonized?

        • Adrian Johnson

          And Bishop John Fisher ?
          And all the other Recusant Martyrs ?

      • Dagnabbit_42

        That many?

    • Matthew Sprinkle

      Ohhhhh Filioque!! The trinity… What a terrible thing. Really?? I can’t understand being Christian and not believing in the Blessed Trinity. I mean, really? It (the Trinity) is so integral to the faith…. It just baffles me. Oh well — Qu’ils mangent de la brioche!

      • robertbardin

        The Trinity is believed and adored by all those Eastern Orthodox christians who do not accept the Filioque clause in the Creed. The Fioloque is not the Trinity! It merely means ”and of the Son”, referring to the procession of the Holy Ghost from both the Father and the Son, as the Latin Church professes, whereas the Eastern Church professes the procession of the Holy Ghost ”from the Father” only. The Trinity was, is, and remains the fundamental dogma of both Roman Catholicism and Eastern Orthodoxy. The Trinity is the God Whom we adore, whether the Third Person (The Holy Ghost) proceeds from the Father alone, or from both Father and Son together…. .

        • normmd

          The Trinity is fundamental Christian doctrine. It is not dogma. Big difference.

          • robertbardin

            A dogma is a fundamental doctrine that has been infallibly defined by an Oecumenical Council (or Pope). The Trinity has been thus defined at the Councils of Nicea and Constanintople (Hence, the Creed of Nicea-Constantinople, called the ”Nicean Creed”, which we sing or recite every Sunday at Mass.)

    • You do realize the Byzantine Rites, with Rome’s approval, already removed the ‘filioque’ around 9-10 yrs ago, right?

      • rocco santa guida

        wrong

    • Kristjan Ahčin

      filioque is “pesky”? do explain?

      • David Standeven

        The Filioque clause makes absolutely no sense in Greek (the original language of the Byzantine Christians). The Greek word for “proceeds” means specifically “to emanate as from a SINGLE SOURCE”, which is impossible for the Holy Spirit to do so from both the Father and the Son. The Latin word, much like English, is much more vague.

        Basically, it all comes down to the fact the Holy Spirit proceeds in a different manner from the Son as he does from the Father. Unfortunately, the Orthodox incorrectly think that we think the processions are the same.

        The Seventh Ecumenical Council sums it up perfectly: “We hold that the Holy Spirit proceeds from the Father through the Son” – St. Tarasios, Patriarch of Constantinople

        Unfortunately, this agreed-to compromise was never adopted liturgically in Either the West (Rome itself didn’t adopt the Filioque in the Mass until 1014, and it is still not used if the Creed is done in Greek) or Byzantium which allowed agitators like Michael Cerularius and Photios to “prove” that the West was heterodox simply based on a linguistic difference between Greek and Latin.

        • Kristjan Ahčin

          So all in all it’s the problem of the greeks and their local heretic interpretation. I find this article a dud for other reasons. I can’t imagine HM Elisabeth ll. would ever abdicate anything, far less her more or less honorific title of “Defender of the faith”. Also for many of the english, recent poll showed as many as 60% of the younger generation have never been to church, would not care either way or would prefer to keep CofE out of tradition. As for the state of the said Church of England as far as the Catholics are concerned, that is just about sorted out already, ever since Benedict XVl. proclaimed Newman as blessed opening a way for any interested anglicans to return to Rome.

          • David Standeven

            “local heretic interpretation”… WRONG.

            It is erroneous to say the Son has no part in the procession (as some less-catechized Orthodox sadly do) and it is also wrong to say that the Holy Spirit proceeds from the Son in the same manner He proceeds from the Father (as most Orthodox think we do).

            Both the Greeks and Romans believe the same truth upheld at the 7th Ecumenical Council, but the Creeds are different (the Greek Catholics use the Greek Creed). It took a couple Greeks without sufficient knowledge of Latin (like Photios) to start the trouble, and a few ignorant Westerners (like the pompous Cardinal Humbert) to exacerbate it.

            As for Anglicans, the Ordinariates are a treasure to the Church. Long after the official Church of England is dead, I predict the Ordinariates will continue to teach the rest of the Church (Trads and non Trads alike) a bit of good taste.

          • Austino

            Greek language like every other language is dynamic. I do not see any local heretic interpretation. It was a clear debate for the church fathers of the time, whether the Holy Ghost proceeded only from the Father or ‘from the Father and the Son?
            For the issue of the church of England, it is hard to be believe that christians are wishing a church dead. This is terrible. How does it benefit the Roman Church. I would always belief that ecumenism makes the church stronger, and more credible. So such dreams from David and Kristjan are of the death of the official church of England is devilish and never from Christ. The Anglicans are spread all over the world in over 38 Provinces. Anglicans seem a bit more open and welcoming, but Pope Benedict introduced the Ordinariate (which is not an issue for Anglicans) but he then resigned. Am sure that Pope Francis would be ashamed to read some of the stuff that our Roman catholics write.

          • Adrian Johnson

            I have noticed that the Ordinariates in the USA are producing young vocations to the priesthood all out of proportion to their current numbers. As they now have their own seminary at the Houston Cathedral, in a couple of generations the predominant Liturgy of devout American & Canadian Catholics may not be NO, but Anglican Ordinariate.

          • Loved As If

            You do know this is satire, don’t you?

        • “The Greek word for “proceeds” means specifically “to emanate as from a
          SINGLE SOURCE”, which is impossible for the Holy Spirit to do so from
          both the Father and the Son. The Latin word, much like English, is much
          more vague.”

          Not quite: The two words are both accurate and describe the same procedure, but from a different point of view.

          The Greek word ἐκ-πορεύειν (‘to walk out of‘) gives an answer to the question: WHENCE does the Spirit come? Where has He got His origin? Who is His ultimate source?

          The Latin word pro-cedere (‘to go forth‘) answers the question: WHITHER does the Spirit go (once He has emanated from the Father and through the Son?

          Furthermore, in the Greek version, the procession of the Spirit is expressed as a participle, which closely yokes together the motion and its source syntactically, the Father being attribute to the procession, giving the notion of a still-standing image illustrating a direct relation between source and motion, like in a diagram.

          In the Latin version though, the procession is expressed in a relative clause, the proceeding being the praedicate, to which the source is indicated as an adverbial qualification. This construction lays much more weight on the process of the proceeding than on the relation of the proceeding and its source: here, the forthgoing of the Spirit is focussed as an activity, and the sources of the motion, while not being demised as mere extras, are rather juxtaposed as a clarification of circumstances.

          It is true that, in the Latin version, both patre (‘the Father’) and filio (‘the Son’) are in the ablative case and both depend on ex (‘out of’); but from this, it does not follow that the Father and the Son are the sources of the Holy Ghost in an equal fashion. The perspective of the Latin phrase is rather that of somebody turning back to see what lies behind him from his point of view, and that would in our case be both the Father and the Son, as our Wanderer has already come out of the Father and passed through the Son on his way.

          These different perspectives are fundamental characteristics of the two languages, Latin and Greek: Latin is a very subjective and practical language and often looks both on the process and the end; Greek, however, is a highly systematic language, and it is much more apt to Greek thinking to freeze certain situations in time and meditate its origins and the relations of its parts. It also tends to take an objective standpoint to watch things from a remote position, an idea completely foreign to ancient Latin.

          Both versions are correct; in the Latin version, the filioque is not necessary, but in no way false; it adds a further truth of faith to the creed, which is beautiful and worthwhile contemplating.

          However, to add a filioque to the Greek version would doubtlessly end up in a heretic statement, as τὸ ἐκ τοῦ Πατρός τε καὶ ἐκ τοῦ Υἱοῦ ἐκπορευόμενον would mean that the Holy Ghost proceed from both the Father and the Son in the same manner, which is certainly not true.

          • Skyler von Enn

            Incredible. This is a masterpiece of clarity on the nature of the Trinity and the Filioque controversy fit into a combox comment. It’s like you’ve fit the whole ocean into a small hole in the sand.

          • Thank you! Though I think this effect depends merely on the fact that the sections are numbered with Arabic numerals.

          • Anna

            Thanks for this great explanation. Sometimes Arabic numerals make a big difference…admit it…you’re the pope em. himself…humbly assuming an alter ego without lying…clever…so wise and concrete and precise…Oh…why have you left your flock 😉

          • Fr. Michael Konye

            It is a great surprise for me to assume that the Holy Father will be here to teach us catechism. Am thrilled to say the least and am not sure if I have to believe this assumption (not of BVM) as I may be hallucinating in a facebook world already overtaken by the techno-scientific impersonations. Thanks a great deal for the catechism on the “filioque”, (even if this is not the Holy Father), the teaching is the “voice” of a known shepherd.

    • St. Patrick Henry

      give me filioque or give me death!

    • C-Harmon

      What’s it got to do with the filioque?? That is the EASTERN schism (or Great Schism), not the schism of Protestantism….

    • DenisetheCelt

      Do you really think that England will be returned to Rome? ISLAM is the future of England, thanks to Nation Wrecking Zionist Jew.

      • Austino

        prophet, prophesy also the future of France and Germany? Catholic??? You are having a Roman dream. How many Italians go to Church?

    • jabuchanan

      I’m Southern Baptist, and grew up in Texas. What is filioque?

      • Sr. Mary Brigid

        Filioque….I’m pretty sure it’s the dough you make baklava out of. And the Church Fathers felt pretty strongly about it, evidently.

        • jabuchanan

          You’re quite the hucksterette. Been looking for a woman with a sense of humor. You seeing anyone? Ha Just kidding, I take the admonition about being unequally yoked seriously. Though I was always a bit unclear about what eggs had to do with it.

          • jabuchanan

            Hey, the little thing under your name says you are a novice,,,,,at what? How long will it take for you to become expert?

    • Hoss Gardner

      The filioque is here to stay. The east needs to accept the fact that there are two ways of looking at the trinity. The East in some ways needs to grow up. The Protestants argue about truths of the Trinity to this day that have been closed for centuries. Truth is truth and cannot be changed. The Pope inserted it into the creed and its here to stay.

    • Thomas J. Hennigan

      The Filioque question is not the principle problem with the Orthodox, and it was originally not accepted as part of the Creed in Rome by Pope Leo III. The main problem is the petrine ministry and of course the way the Orthodox give divorce based on Imperial edicts and not on the gospel.

  • Robert Lyon, Guelph ON Canada

    Neo-Calvinist theonomists-dominionist-reconstructionists will be fleeing Mother Church in droves.

    • Mike Koopman

      Is that the long hand for lesbian Bishop?

      • Luke Hyland

        WTF???!!!

        • Mike Koopman

          I can not recall Faulty Towers having a winning the future episode. Perhaps I missed something? Like where is this be-heading?

  • Tony Romano

    LOL!!! So I assume all those properties the Crown & CoE stole will be returned to rightful ownership by the Catholic Church who built them??

    • Hellscreamgold

      But when will the Catholic church give them back to the people THEY stole them from?

      • Kirsten Houseknecht

        while you can argue about the LAND the Catholic church built the buildings, they didnt take them along with all the altar goods like the COE did

      • scragsma

        The Church didn’t steal them. The lands were granted by the government to allow the Church to minister to the people as they (the people) needed and wished.

        • The lands were given by local Christians for the building of churches and to sustain the ministry of the Church. They have always belonged to the local Church: not to Rome or to the Crown.

        • Deb E Dee

          They were actually stolen and salted by Rome, and confiscated by torturing the local medicine men and women as witches and heretics, for crying out loud. that is why we lost so much information about healing and child care, and life in general, leaving the British population bereft of knowledge, and more easily manipulated. Reading these comments is like reading those of the NAZI apologists. ‘Oh, we didn’t know there were concentration camps” Get lives, people, and educate yourselves or those those old ghosts will resurface in strange and unpleasant ways. The blood of the innocent condems you, it does not now nor ever, protect you.

          • Andy, Bad Person

            Deb E Dee,

            Holy crap. You’re serious.

          • You should instantly begin to write for the EOTT!

          • Luke Hyland

            It was actually the problem of policing anyone from entering a monastary who was there for power, those were the problem

          • Skyler von Enn

            I was laughing up to the point when I realized this comment was serious. That’s when I fell out of my chair.

          • Anna

            maybe she isn’t serious. Who am I to judge?

          • Anna

            ehm…is this satire? Then it’s …err…pretty realistic…I loved most the sentence about the medicine men and the witches. It is OBVIOUS that we would have found the therapies against cancer and AIDS, if it was not for infamous church killing all those brave men and women…wow! But you forgot the crusades methinks, all those poor Muslims murdered by vicious and evil knights. It is only fair that they should behead Iraqi children now, I guess? And at least you are completely right with your analysis concerning the easily manipulated British society. If you were serious about your statement (which I won’t assume, in dubio pro reo…), you’d be the glorious example of this tragic state which is a most serious charge against wicked church…

    • Righteous Knight

      LOL. Typical. Catholics worry more about land rights than about removing the scourge of child abuse in the Church.

      • Ginkgo100

        Wow. Anyone want to play “identify the logical fallacies” here?

        I’ll start. There’s the irrelevant conclusion fallacy, the moral high ground fallacy, and the tu quoque (“you too!”) fallacy. And that’s not even addressing the fact that, no, Catholics do NOT worry more about land rights than about child abuse.

        • Mike Koopman

          What!? the Tower of London was land granted by a game of croquet? When did England become a Republic?

          • Mavis Emberson

            t. James Stuart of Scotland succeeded the Tudors He was Protestant see the KJV Bible.

          • Mavis Emberson

            King James of Scotland was Protestant and was succeeded after a Civil War by Oliver Cromwell Lord Protector of a Republic.called the Commonwealth

      • Luke Hyland

        I guess u haven’t heard anu statistics, let alone that child abuse in your own country is 100 times more frequently occuring

        • Righteous Knight

          Thanks to the Catholic Church…..

    • Ina Pakpahan

      back to MOTHER OF HARLOT LOL

    • Austino

      And how did they build them?? Were they doing business?

  • dflynn5656

    Denominations…schisms – and all at Christmas time. Imagine the possibilities for us all if the MAGI had come from much MUCH farther away. All of these earthly matters would seem small. So I have to agre with the pope on this one. http://www.sftag.net

  • Simon Danielsson

    False information based on bad interpretation.

    • HappyCatholic

      It’s a satire. : )

      • Simon Danielsson

        Phew’ haha

  • Alice Gordon

    This is satire.

  • Patricia Raven

    Disgusting this was dealt with over 400 years ago there should never be an acceptence of the annulment there were no grounds. Catherine was a faithful and loyal wife and her memory deserves better. I really hope this is a sick joke. It soundslike one..

    • Kathryn A. O’Keefe

      It is: The Eye of the Tiber is a satire website, like The Onion.

    • PixilDot

      Actually, no, it’s a pretty funny and fairly clever joke! Get a grip!!

  • Teddy Oberman

    In related news, Catholic officials are searching for the remains of St. Thomas More so they can sew his head back on to his body.

    • Raymond Leo Cardinal Burke

      Um. No.

      • Teddy Oberman

        What do you know, now that you’ve been exiled to Malta?

        • Raymond Leo Cardinal Burke

          I have my sources 🙂

          • ferdinandgajewski

            Look into the saga of Joseph Haydn’s mortal remains. All the gory details are in an appendix to Geiringer’s biography.

      • Glad to see you here, Ray! It’s sometimes nice to have plenty of time, isn’t it?

        • Raymond Leo Cardinal Burke

          Oh Your Holiness!
          Did not expect to see you here! I am glad now too to see you here, defend and fight for the values I believe we both stand for!
          I can not complain about having too much to do, but that is alright, if that is the will of the Holy Father,
          Thank you for this conversation Your Holiness,
          +Raymond Leo Cardinal Burke

          • I am very pleased to read that you see things this way, my dear brother in Christ; the Holy Father certainly knows what is best for the Church. Hopefully, in your new position, you can keep on with your good work more frankly and freely. May the Blessed Virgin continue to guide you in your ways of faith as well as of works!

    • Lee Bacchi

      Good one!

  • Lee Bacchi

    Does this mean I have to write a new M.A. thesis?? I wrote it in 1976-1978 on the English Reformation.

    • Sr. Mary Brigid

      No. But it will be translated into Latin, so no one will ever read it again.

      • Quod scripsit manet!

      • Lee Bacchi

        Sister — I don’t think they read it now in English!!

    • Definitely your thesis must be erased and your degree retroactively annulled.

  • Dr.D.L.Whitman

    Not only the filioque but papal supremacy, purgatory, the immaculate conception and perhaps the west can come back home to the original church of the Eastern Orthodox that was Catholic before the Catholics. Athanasius

  • D Lambert

    Does this mean that hair shirts and floggers will be sold in Harrods? :::smirk:::

    • PixilDot

      With the Knights Who Say Ni marching through on a regular basis?

  • Righteous Knight

    Of course if the papacy had granted an annulment in the first place rather than giving in to pressure from the incestuous, inbred King of Spain, then England would never have become Protestant, and then both democracy AND Catholicism would have spread around the world during the period of the British Empire.

    • Janet Swanborn

      Nullity is not “granted.” It either is, or isn’t. Decrees of nullity are ISSUED, usually in bad faith.

      • Righteous Knight

        IN bad faith? How? Regardless of the terminology my points remains that Catholicism lost the ability to a part of the force for good that is the English speaking peoples. It is telling that the UN’s Human Development Index has only 1 Catholic majority country in the top 15, but 8 of them are British or inheritors of British socio-constitutional customs.

        • Janet Swanborn

          The church will invalidate virtually any marriage for money. That suggests bad faith.

    • Deb E Dee

      Blarg. As for conquering empires, May they all dissolve as they inevitably do, and rot in hell, where it will be meet the new boss, same as the old boss.

  • BCSWowbagger

    FOLKS. Really, folks. Gather ’round and sit down, ’cause this is your Uncle Wowbagger’s Daily Internet Tip.

    Whenever you see a news article that seems a bit strange, check the sidebar for related stories. If the related stories include things like, “U.S. Says ISIS Did Not Down Plane; Jordanian Pilot Held Captive” or “Author underplays reforming potential at heart of parish life”, then you are probably at a Legitimate News Site like CNN or one of the two NCRs, and you are probably reading a Legitimate News Story.

    However, if the related stories instead include things like, “Pope Benedict Declares 2013 ‘Year of Stuff'” or “Vatican Picks Up Free Agent Tim Tebow”, then you are probably reading a Satirical News Site like The Onion or Eye of the Tiber, and the story you have just read is Probably A Joke.

    Try it now! What does the sidebar say? And is this website probably Legit or Satire?

    Really, if everyone did this, all of the time, we would have a lot fewer successful internet hoaxes.

    • HappyCatholic

      Or, “Zombie Apocalypse is Heart of Evangelii Gaudium.”

    • Steve

      Thank you BCS…this is a great site which I enjoy very much as I have always liked satire. I continue to be amazed however that a significant number of people who come across it think these are true stories. I also have noticed that the more “out there” the articles are the more likely they are to be believed. You give very good advise 🙂

      • Luke Hyland

        I know right?!

  • Russell Grigaitis

    Is a posthumously excommunication of Sts. Thomas More and John Fisher in the works?

  • Mary L Davenport

    What???????

    • HappyCatholic

      Haha, it’s satire; relax. : )

  • Joseph R McGookin Jr

    wISHFUL THINKING.

  • jhmdeuce

    What happens to the antidisestablishmentarianists?

  • Catagunyah

    Queen Elizabeth won’t be able to dissolve anything, because she’s a usurper. Since the bar against Catholics acceding to the throne of England now becomes meaningless, the rightful monarch of the United Kingdom is one of the Jacobite claimants.

  • T_Ford

    ROTFL…good one!

  • Mikki Mack

    HAHAHAHA QE2 will NEVER relinquish the throne! The RC church will NEVER grant an annulment for that would make Mary 1 illegitimate which she wasn’t . Old Henry just had ants in his pants and wanted a son so wanted to marry someone else – that was when they blamed the woman for being at fault for no son while we now know it is the male’s sperm that decides male or female children. HAHA Too bad this wasn’t posted on April 1st. More would have bought it and been fooled.

    • An annulment does not render the children of the dissolved marriage illegitimate.

    • Loved As If

      This is satire.

  • Joseph Nolan

    Does this mean there will be a 4th season of the Borgias after all?

  • T. Audrey Glamour

    ♬♫♪♪♫♬

    I’m ‘Enery the Eighth, I am…

    ♬♫♪♪♫♬

    • ♫♬♪♪♫♬

      When Tommy comes marching home again, hurrah! hurrah! …

      ♫♬♪♪♫♬

  • Raymond Leo Cardinal Burke

    Um…. Sorry to burst your bubble… It’s not happening. Not until Im alive.

  • Diana Kirkpatrick

    This has got to be a joke.

    • Raymond Leo Cardinal Burke

      It is

  • Dan Eff

    Hoax.

  • JNobleDagget

    What was Henry VIII’s lawyer said? “Forget the alimony I have a better idea!”

  • Barb Searle

    Lol
    they are having a laugh! The Vatican is obviously going senile! What
    about poor old Catherine, how does she feel about them giving that
    wicked over-sexed old bugger carte blanch? And why do they want the CofE cosied up with them? Where is the freaking fun in that… ? Sounds like there is a conspiracy theory to unseat a Queen in there somewhere too! *wink* !

  • William

    OH WOE IS ME!! I’ve been blocked from making comments at the Papist website CRUX! The Catholics were discussing the joys of relentless breeding and all I said was, “Actually God didn’t decide that birth control was a Mortal Sin until 1931 when Pius XI said so. Mussolini needed more soldiers for his Fascist Army and the Church of Rome never met a Fascist government they didn’t like.” You’d think the Romish Communion would be more open to discussing their sordid past now that they’re trying to make themselves more attractive to the literate. OH TIBER EYES, PROMISE YOU WON’T REJECT ME!

    • T. Audrey Glamour

      Best satire post of the day: CRUX Catholic?

      LOL!

  • William

    But how did they resolve the Jesus Eating issue? As you know Catholics have to believe they’re eating Jesus’s meat or be tortured forever in hell, while Anglicans can believe that it’s a symbol. It used to be said that Catholics who understood the word “symbol” joined the Episcopalian Communion.

  • David Matheson

    I would still like to know there was never a Pope George Ringo.

  • Churchill4President

    Is this story true? I’m still trying to figure out if this site is the Catholic version of the Onion. Seriously.

    • Stephanie H

      It is a Catholic version of the Onion

  • SententiaeDeo

    So now the Conciliar “Church” has the power to determine whether dead people are married or not? Jesus already made that determination, as recorded in St. Matthew’s Gospel 22:30:

    For in the resurrection neither they shall they marry nor be married: but are as the Angels of God in heaven.

    Antipope Francis is yet again opposing the teachings of true popes.

    • Stephanie H

      Breathe, sweetheart, it’s satire.

  • sa_rose

    The English church had issues with Rome long before Henry VIII. And no Anglican will submit to the Bishop of Rome as the head of the church.

    • Loved As If

      sat·ire ˈsa-ˌtī(-ə)r : a way of using humor to show that someone or something is foolish, weak, bad, etc. : humor that shows the weaknesses or bad qualities of a person, government, society, etc.
      : a book, movie, etc., that uses satire

    • Hart Ponder

      Jesus did not give the keys of the Kingdom to the Anglicans. He gave them to Peter, follow Peter!

  • This is hilarious! As a former Anglican priest, I just love it.

  • Aldo Elmnight

    Reads like an Onion article. I will belive it when it happens.

  • DenisetheCelt

    Considering that the Archbishop of Canterbury is a Nation Wrecking Christ Killing Jew – the C of E was dissolved ages ago .Will those you gloating be delighted when you are forced to convert to Islam?

  • Ron Windham

    In what ways will this impact the fledgling Ordinariate?!? What will this mean for Anglicanorum Coetibus?!?

  • rustypod

    It has just about already disolved. (Coming from a former Anglican)

  • Marcia Smith

    This has to be a joke. Too much blood has been shed in breaking away from the bully control of Rome. The Archbishop must be mad in thinking that the Queen would ever relinquish that part of her title. Why are we even listening to Rome. Rome only wants reunification because they are losing people because of the heavy handed uncompromising authority of the Catholic Church. Leave the Anglicans and Episcopalians alone. We will respect you ecumenically but will not be ruled by you. We have been free thinking and inclusive for too long. Archbishop, I respect you but I do not respect your homophobia and intolerance of women in the church and in general.

    • Loved As If

      Can you spell S A T I R E?

  • This is awesome news, the implications of which are proving cataclysmic. Already there has been talk in the Vatican regarding sending the Church’s most valiant exorcists to break the curse that Shakespeare installed on his own sepulchre. Since when has the Church been officially interested in Shakespeare? Does this mean process of canonization? Oh curiosity, thou hast done thy masterpiece!
    Rumour has it that only a Catholic priest may break the curse for he alone knows how the curse was established. So was Bill Catholic after all?

    In case you did not know, the collaborative play, Henry VIII, is filled with great praises for this King, but upon closer inspection, you will notice that these praises and flatteries stand on their head…Shakespeare was weeping between the lines at this most devious divorce of all time, the divorce of England from Rome.
    This last canonical play of William plainly signified the cracking of his own noble heart.

  • ithakavi

    I’ll bet Her Bishoprix, KatharineJefferts Schori, is pretty peeved about this development.

  • This isn’t even remotely funny, Bless you.

  • Serena Pridgen

    good lord it took me a itsy bitsy minute to realize the source.. I almost stopped breathing…. wow.

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  • Hart Ponder

    Can England “merge back” St. Thomas More’s head?

  • codecore

    What’s next, us Lutherans, and then the Baptists? Mormons? Where will it end?

  • Wilkins Micawber

    This dago, socialist boy-toucher of a pope is a clown.

  • Maggie Sullivan

    I thought this was suppose to be a satirical site?

  • Thomas J. Hennigan

    This is a ridiculous suggestion and as for the return of the Anglicans to the Church due such a supposed posthumous annulment for the brutal Henry VIII, who not only delcared himself head of the Church in England, but destroyed and stole a huge number of monasteries in England and Ireland, is preposterous. How can Pope Francis do such a thing when the Popes of the time rejected it?

  • Coach r

    Guess this means we’ll have a female pope soon. *happy dance*
    (If she’s Australian will she take the name Pope Sheila I?)

  • Lynda

    And all the Reformation martyrs have been posthumously relegated to Hell.

  • DaveOttawa

    The title “Defender of the faith” was awarded before the split with Rome. And HM QE2 has consistently defended the faith. She should keep the title.

  • Robb Thurston

    Now, the Pope has to forgive Satan. Satam needs to return to heaven as the Prime Minister. Also, Judas needs to be forgiven for betraying God.

  • iBodick iRabago

    The Church of England aka Anglican Church is not authorized by the Son of God! Better for them to go back as Christ wants in His One Flock!

    History is history! It is over! Let us be united in One Church … 🙂

  • scooter

    Well, this step in healing the centuries-old rift between Rome and “heretical” England represents progress, I suppose, in keeping with the Vatican’s usual glacial pace. But really, should the Pontiff not be more concerned with reconciliation on a far more important matter, like bringing Sinead O’Connor back to the one, true, Catholic, and apostolic faith?