Catholic Cyborgs Being Developed To Help Fill Churches

January 2, 2015 by  
Filed under Mass

The Congregation for the Development of Mechanical Persons (CDMP) announced today that they have successfully developed their first batch of cyborg parishioners to help fill pews.

The exciting news comes as the Church struggles with a world-wide Mass attendance shortage. But the move is being seen by some skeptics as a “cheap fix.”

“You can’t simply fill a Church with mindless robots and think you’ve solved the issue,” said an anonymous Church official. “This isn’t SSPV.”

But lead scientist for the CDMP Lorenzo Botticelli disagrees with skeptics and says that seeing packed churches will not only help morale with parishioners that actually live and breathe, but might also lead to a rise in vocations in the soon-to-be mechanical Catholic demographic.

“We not only hope to see more living, breathing Catholics attending Mass because of this, but we also believe that a rise of the mechanical priesthood may come into play. Should that happen, we can begin to seriously consider calling upon them to proclaim the gospel in the most dangerous regions in the world.”



  • Matt Kososki

    “seeing packed churches will not only help morale with parishioners that
    actually live and breathe, but might also lead to a rise in vocations in
    the soon-to-be mechanical Catholic demographic.”
    –Can a baptized manbot validly receive sacred ordination?

    • Sage Basil

      the Bible and Sts. Augustine and Aquinas never say otherwise, so, of course!

  • T. Audrey Glamour

    I could swear we already have these.

    • fredx2

      I was wondering about some of those Eucharistic ministers.

  • Dom

    I’m concerned here though. Sure they will show up to mass, and sure they can be programmed to make hand gestures and sing “Gather Us In”, maybe some will sign up to be ushers or Extraordinary Cyborg Ministers of Holy Communion. That’s all well and good, but being Catholic takes a lot of battery power and most of them will probably go into sleep mode during mass. So if they can only be activated for 1 hour on Sunday and MAYBE on holy days of obligation, they will just be “headcount cyborgs”.

    • fredx2

      The problem is that they are built to learn, and after a while, they stop coming except for Christmas and Easter,

      Also, one of two things happen – they either start grumbling about the “Kiss of peace” and refuse to do it, or they start overdoing it and they start running all over the church, intent on shaking every single hand. It’s a mess.

      And then there are the ones who think they are funny, who wave their arms do the “Danger, Will Robinson!” thing over and over and over again. All the robots laugh but the people just hate it.

      • Hotrod1962

        When I’m at mass and one of those cyborgs starts the “danger” thing, the priests just stops mass and tells it has to go to the soundproof family room left over from the ’80s.

    • Rose Lincoln

      They should be programmed to sing “Come as you are”.

      • William of Orange

        Or Ashes. Then you can just shoot me.

  • Sr. Mary Brigid

    If we could program the mechanical Priests to recite more than Eucharistic Prayer II, then liturgically this could be a winner.

    • HappyCatholic

      The wording is too complex for robots; they’ve already hit problems trying to program the cyborg-parishioners to say the words “consubstantial” and “venerable.” They just keep saying “one in being.”

  • Helpful hint: the default setting is “Mass of Creation”; be sure to change this to “no”.

  • Lawrence Lam

    I for one can’t wait for the first robot pope

  • Maferick

    The comments are actually funnier than the article this time.

  • Lee Bacchi

    Will one of the newly-named cardinals head up this Congregation?

  • William

    But can these cyborgs be manipulated to feel guilt and sinfulness? How can they be an asset to the Church otherwise.
    Personal to Sr Brigid: Be careful what you say about the priests incantations to summon the edible, tri-sectioned One. If the Church catches you mocking priestcraft they may burn you as a witch.

    • Eric_Beocarl

      I think it more likely she would get tenure at a university, at least in North America.

  • Jim

    Wait a minute. Have any of these been deployed? Could that
    static shock I got during the sign of peace last week have, in reality, been a
    short circuit?

  • Spiffy Spifferson

    Cyborgs or androids? A cyborg is a person with artificial components. So… is this article incorrect?

  • Our Bloody Mary Hospital

    The advantage of catholic cyborgs working as priests is their ability to do so-called “speed-blessings” while walking down the pews. Imagine how fast they can recite a “Hail Mary” (estimating 100000 per Milisecond). The only weakness is that you could upload a molestation subroutine program into its mainframe and it will end up molesting little cyborg parishioners.

  • Mick Campbell

    My concern is when they come into contact with Holy Water. If they have a short circuit would any subsequent shutdown look anything like liturgical dance ?

  • willa cather

    The ad on the page was “Personal Android Robots.”

  • William of Orange

    Isn’t that Josemaria Escriva?

    • William of Orange

      I believe it was in “The Furrow” that he said, “your liturgical and ontological distinctiveness will be assimilated to service us.” Then again, it might have been in “The Borge”.