Catholic Cyborgs Being Developed To Help Fill Churches

January 2, 2015 by  
Filed under Mass

The Congregation for the Development of Mechanical Persons (CDMP) announced today that they have successfully developed their first batch of cyborg parishioners to help fill pews.

The exciting news comes as the Church struggles with a world-wide Mass attendance shortage. But the move is being seen by some skeptics as a “cheap fix.”

“You can’t simply fill a Church with mindless robots and think you’ve solved the issue,” said an anonymous Church official. “This isn’t SSPV.”

But lead scientist for the CDMP Lorenzo Botticelli disagrees with skeptics and says that seeing packed churches will not only help morale with parishioners that actually live and breathe, but might also lead to a rise in vocations in the soon-to-be mechanical Catholic demographic.

“We not only hope to see more living, breathing Catholics attending Mass because of this, but we also believe that a rise of the mechanical priesthood may come into play. Should that happen, we can begin to seriously consider calling upon them to proclaim the gospel in the most dangerous regions in the world.”