New App Allows User To Locate Where Least Crappy Homily Going To Be Delivered In Area

April 28, 2015 by  
Filed under Libs & Trads

The Vatican announced this morning that they have launched “CrapHom,” a new app for iPhone and Android that allows Catholics to view which local parishes will have the lamest homilies and which will have the least lame homilies.

“As everyone knows, the whole point of the homily is to instruct and uplift the faithful, but since that’s nearly impossible these days, this will at least give a user the option of not being scandalized during the homily,” a Vatican spokesman told EOTT this morning. “The point of the app is to allow parishioners the luxury of getting to hear the least crappy homily they can on any given Sunday.”

The spokesman went on to say that the app will also have five grades that users can refer to when making a decision ranging from Tolerable to Absolute Bullcrap.

  • Anne Reboredo

    There’s also a “mystery homily” option for priests who don’t prepare in advance and just “see how the Spirit moves them.”

    • BanthyloyalD

      anne, I didn’t know we went to the same parish!

    • Ellie Ravinsky

      Maybe mail the priests their rankings for the week.

    • Well, God did once open the mouth of an ass.

  • Shaun McAfee

    Upgrades include: the new Surprise Me button

    • Jim

      For the catechetically adventurous!

      • Or those who desire harsher penance or to offer up their suffering for an improvement in said preaching =-p

        • Catholic Johnny


  • T. Audrey Glamour

    And there’s always the Catholic who enjoys lame homilies! They can use the app, too!

    • Jim

      Those are the folks you find napping peacefully in the back near the holy water fonts.

  • Aaron

    This app has a major flaw. It needs an upgrade so it can alert us to when the Deacon is scheduled to preach.

    • JR

      What about when the angry grey haired eco-nun or the heretical DRE take a turn?

      • ithakavi

        It either is a risk, it is time to search for another parish.

    • To be fair, we’ve had Deacons give more orthodox homilies than some of the priests…

    • Les

      Our deacon gives great homilies

  • Casper

    Great – – if only they could make CrapHymn, we’ll be in business.

    • john

      Or rank the “invalidity quotient” with a cute row of “Liturgical Abusies”

      • And a feature to submit pictures to the local Bishop?

    • It’s an in-app purchase.

    • Ellie Ravinsky

      It beeps if they are doing “happy clappy” songs.

  • If only! I would buy this app in a heartbeat!

  • There will be a Roger & Ebert type show to review and rate the best ones

  • Jim

    I understand this app changes Siri’s voice so she sounds like an old guy from Brooklyn: “You want crappy homilies? I’ll give you crappy homilies. I’ll give you the kinda homilies that probably started the Reformation. I’m talkin’ craptechesis here. You’ll need a mountain of incense to get these stink bombs out of your nose. Know what I’m sayin’?”

    • Anne Reboredo

      “Craptechesis.” Hilarious! That should be EOTT’s word of the year.

    • Hotrod1962

      Father Vinny’s best homily is when he told us all to pray real hard for “Hail Mary”, running in the 6th that Belmont that afternoon. Rumor has it he bet that Sunday’s offerings and that beautiful three year old won by three lengths.
      Rumor also has it that’s how the church got air-conditioning.

  • Diffal

    I’m very saddened and disappointed by this article. Disappointed it’s satire that is.

  • Hey, hey, what about those of us on Windows Phone? D:< If a decent Latin Rite homily cannot be found, does it redirect the user to the nearest Eastern Rite parish?

  • Michael Leggett

    When does The “Musica Malo” App come to iPhone, Android, Blackberry & Windows Phone 8.1?

  • Lynne Krop

    I see by the shown example that the CrapHom is already wrong. St. Patrick gets 4 least crappy’s and no crap. St. Patrick is the biggest piece of crap in the Catholic faith. He is known for having people murdered in Ireland and Scotland of all Druids and Celts. Then he says he rid Ireland of snakes – meaning the Druids and the Celts. It’s too cold in Ireland for any real snake to survive as they are cold blooded. The app is already flawed.

    • fredx2

      No, no, no. You are thinking of Hitler.

      St. Patrick was somebody else altogether.

      • Martha

        He’s clearly full of Krop.

      • Lynne Krop

        No, I’m not mixing up Hitler with St. Patrick. I am Irish and I know my folklore.

  • ithakavi

    So when do we get the app that explains whatever Francis just said?

    • MairinT

      not so much as what he said but rather what he meant…when he said….

    • Catholic Johnny

      Apple doesn’t have any wizards.

  • fredx2

    Since all homilies are the same, I don’t see how this would help.

    • MairinT

      what do you mean…are the same…I go Latin on most Sundays and N.O. when unavoidable…they (homilies) are not the same thanks be to God.

  • Bertrand Fellow

    You don’t need an app – you just need to visit a Society of Such Pious Gents chapel to get the best homilies!

  • Hotrod1962

    If it’s a Sunday when Father is going to talk about the Bishop’s Annual Appeal, the app flashes red.

    • Ellie Ravinsky

      I love that idea.

  • Nermal146

    It sort of cracks me up and at the same time, makes me sad, all the complaints about music and homilies. We go to Mass to show God how much we love him. If the singing isn’t great or if the homily is not very good, well, that shouldn’t matter. It makes it very easy if you have a Priest who is always giving amazingly great homilies, and the singing and song selection is over the top beautiful, but we are there to show God our love. We’re there to show that love with our faith family. I don’t know about all of you, but I sure do make mistakes, and there are a few people who never miss the opportunity to tell me, but the fact is, I”m there to love God and to receive his Son in the most intimate way possible. I love the Eucharist, can’t live without it.

    • Frank Hammond

      It is more than the music isn’t “great” what about the parish that has a 5 piece jazz combo playing – horns, full drum set, electric bass all at an ear splitting volume. Ever hear the Jazz version of the Gloria? The circus takes us away from the intention of the mass.

      • Monk

        Crappy and inappropriate music is usually the result of a lack of clerical guidance or, worse, deliberate misguidance. In either case, you can count on a crappy homily to match.

    • roberdine

      Sure, we all make mistakes unintentionally. This is about mediocrity or worse because the people don’t care enough to do their best with what they’ve got.

  • CumExApostolatus

    The app should include a ‘No Homily’ option for the pew sitter, especially during football season when many presbyters are in an extraordinary rush to get to the tailgate party.

    CrapHom might also have an app specifically FOR presbyters who are searching for a short and inclusive homily such as: “My dear brothers and sisters, Hallelujah! We’re all saved!”

  • Pelicanus88

    Presumably Siri is disabled on the Ordinary Form version.

  • Frank Hammond

    How about the least Holy homily? Or most uncatholic Homily. Or any Homily by a Jesuit.

  • Chad Stewart

    Or an App that will tell you the priest is going to wear blue bunny ears on Easter Sunday or another that has the kids go into the Sanctuary to come and get their candy. I guess we will use our Latin Mass App and travel 95 miles one way with 5 kids every week!!!

  • Stephan Peters

    I can’t find the app! I looked on the iPhone store and it isn’t there! Is it released yet? What am I going to do? I guess I’ll just have to keep going to my local parish. My priest has pretty good homilies, but … how will I ever know if I am hearing the *best* homily in my area without the app? So disappointed.

  • scooter

    The operation of this app was particularly dramatic when it ran on the now-defunct Samsung Galaxy Note 7. Reportedly, the app’s “Hellfire and Brimstone” alert feature would cause this model to actually burst into flames. Fortunately, Samsung and government agencies opted for a total consumer recall and replacement with a model better designed to handle some of the more wrathful homily offerings. Everyone was content to blame a “defective battery manufacturing process”. Rejoice, however! Samsung’s huge operating loss turned into Heaven’s gain from souls using CrapHom.