Parishioner Just Going To Sit On Toilet Until Annual Catholic Appeal Homily Over

May 12, 2015 by  
Filed under Parish Life

Deciding that he would go to the restroom and simply sit on the toilet for the next 15 to 20 minutes, local Catholic Jay Anderson confirmed to reporters that he would indeed be back in his pew just as soon as this year’s Annual Catholic Appeal homily was over.

“I typically love these homilies,” a smirking Anderson said, adding that nothing in the world was more edifying than listening to the deacon talk about cash for 20 straight minutes. “I guess my favorite part is watching the priest or deacon whip out the big fundraising thermometer thingy that helps us keep track of exactly how many more weeks we’re gonna have to listen to someone talk about money.”

Anderson noted that, although he felt bad for the other 15 or so men trying to find a spot in the restroom for the very same reason, that they should have anticipated the homily beforehand as he did, and perhaps considered arriving to the restroom 10 to 15 minutes earlier.

“This isn’t my first time at the rodeo,” Anderson said. “I got to Mass a half hour early to reserve my toilet.”

At press time, Anderson is attempting to beat level 147 in Candy Crush Saga before the Profession of Faith.

  • Tyler Hiles

    This is brilliant advice, thanks EOTT,

  • Marie Van Gompel Alsbergas

    Wearing a classic mantle has allowed me to reach level 273 in Candy Crush Saga while staying in my pew, provided the sound is turned off. The happy music is just too much for the choir to bear!

    • T. Audrey Glamour

      There is a man at a Mass that I sometimes attend who needs some sort of shield for his smart phone because I noticed he was playing in the pew…not just during the homily but during the consecration. I would have politely suggested he go to the restroom or at least sit in the last pew but it turned out that he was one of the extraordinary ministers…

      • Hotrod1962

        If the last supper were held today, Jesus would use his extraordinary powers (you know, to heal the sick, raise the dead, etc.) to block the cell phones of the 12 apostles.

        • wiffle

          He might have turned them back into flip phones so they could still spread the Word. (Not to worry, they’d still have Tetris to play on a numeric keypad in their darkest hours.)

      • Dear Reader

        Yikes!! Next time I see the person I’d definitely mention it delicately. Catholics are very good at feeling guilty and sometimes a gentle reminder is all that’s needed.

        • Ellie Ravinsky

          I use mine to read along with the readings and I use the Confession app. I have had a few nasty looks while standing in line with the i-phone.

  • Jim

    Pretty fancy-looking toilet. Why do they need an appeal?

    • Dear Reader

      Each diocese’s Bishop has duties to serve the general populous that needs aid – whether it’s salaries for religious education teachers or providing food to the poor, or whatever. The Bishop dictates to each Parish how much they are to pay the Bishop’s Fund for these outreach duties. The amount is different for each Parish, depending on normal amounts in the collection (averaged) and the number of people who attend. The “Appeal” is this dictated amount MUST be paid by each Parish. If the goal is not achieved, then the Bishop takes the difference from the Parish’s general fund. Hence, there’s a lot of cajoling going on to have each Parishioner pay the fair share. I hope I’ve explained it well enough.

      • Hotrod1962

        Thank you for your terse, but accurate explanation of what a Bishop’s Appeal is. That being said, and I would think you would agree with me on this one,……a parish with such an extravagant “fancy-pants” toilet should receive no money….zippo, nada, zero!

        • wiffle

          I know we’re joking, but those 1 piecers really are expensive. (Can you tell we just replaced our toilet?)

          • Jim

            See? Told ya.

          • Lee Bacchi

            Pretty plain compared to the ones I have seen in some people’s homes.

        • Lee Bacchi

          You think that’s a “fancy-looking” toilet??

          • Jim

            Well, compared to the rather industrial-looking ones of my youth it’s downright luxurious. Of course I was a teenager before I ever even knew there was a toilet located somewhere in our church. It wasn’t such a necessity back then. Guess we weren’t as well hydrated back in the day. Do we all need a moment for a word from our sponsor in which we mention that this is all in fun, that annual appeals are good and necessary things, and that sitting out any homily on a toilet is a bad idea?

          • Hotrod1962

            Well sir,….where I come from, anything more than a hole in the ground is considered a “fancy-looking” toilet”.

      • Lee Bacchi

        Not in our diocese. In fact, parishes that go over their goal, get at least a 50% rebate.

    • jcb

      That toilet could have been sold and the money given to the poor!

  • Mr Bean

    I hate it when there is a line for the 4 toilets at our church, just before the gospel

  • Hotrod1962

    I’d wash those pants if I were him. Even the Lord’s toilet bowl seats are not immune from enteric bacteria….Remember, the Lord made everything.

  • JayAnderson

    What? Did someone mention my name?


  • Mike Dross

    I’ve got the appeal memorized. Having switched to drinking trash coffee years ago, it especially grates on my nerves when he gets to the part about how “if you would just give up one cup of Starbucks…” before listing off a dozen other items to ‘give up’ that I could never hope to afford.

  • Lee Bacchi

    Hilarious! One of EOTT’s BEST!!

  • Lee Bacchi

    The deacon does it? In our diocese, the pastor has to do it at all the Masses.

  • Bertrand Fellow

    Why do they need an appeal – they seem pretty flush to me.