Missing Burke Found Alive After Getting Lost Inside Cappa Magna For Five Days

June 25, 2015 by  
Filed under Vatican

A desperate search for Cardinal Raymond Burke who went missing for two days in the below-zero cold of his cappa magna turned jubilant today when rescuers guided by cellphone signals and footprints in the snow found him alive near the backend of his overturned vestment.

About 300 parishioners had searched by land and air inside the cavernous terrain within his cappa magna after he failed to be recovered after acolytes tried to remove the vestment from him on Sunday.

“He stayed alive by building a shelter and scouring the ground beneath the cappa magna for food,” said Dennis Revere, head search-and-rescue coordinator for the case. “The land beneath his cappa magna is vast and desolate. It’s amazing he was found alive.”

Revere went on to say that after realizing he was lost, Burke was able to locate his cell phone, but was unfortunately unable to get any reception.  “His Eminence did not have blankets or extra food with him, but was able to huddle inside other vestments until he was successfully able to find shelter. We’re still not sure why he decided to paint his face black, or where he found the crossbow we found him with. Those are all questions we’ll have to find out when he’s released from the hospital.”

When Burke was asked why he had been found with a large knife between his teeth when he was rescued, Burke reportedly responded that he had seen things before staring out in the distance for some time.

  • samton909

    Ah, shucks, that ain’t nothing. There are so many critters living in there that you could live, for two, three weeks maybe, before you ran out of rats to eat.

  • joshuajohnwagner

    This is your best one yet! I literally snot bubble laughed!

  • pegleggreg

    he was holding his very own little synod in there

  • Hotrod1962

    Not only did they find Burke, they also found Judge Crater and Amelia Earhart.

    • David W

      don’t forget Jimmy Hoffa, the missing 18 1/2 minutes of Watergate tape, etc

      • CumExApostolatus

        And don’t forget D.B. Cooper.

  • Tyler Hiles

    this is the single greatest thing i have ever read on eott thank you gut who wrote it, thank you

  • Obviously the cappa magna is a time machine.

    Rumor has it that Cardinal Burke had been auditing the Council of Trent. But I doubt we’ll ever know the truth.

  • Phung Chung

    I might be the only one who didn’t get a rise out of this….and I assume you know what the CM represents liturgically. In any case, I’m sure even Burke would laugh if he saw this…prelates don’t actually “enjoy” wearing these vestments, they do it out of duty for their station.

    • Chris Grady

      Phung Chung, no vestments are there for prelates to “enjoy” – but there are good reasons why nearly no one wore the cappa magna for the past 50 years . . .


      • Let’s not go there. The above link appears to be a very sad attempt to meld Fr. Z’s knowledge with the satire of EOTT and Eccles and Bosco.

        Not working.

      • Manny Perez

        Some pre Vatican II liturgical vestments are quite nice. I’ve seen some Roman chasubles that look beautiful. However, those cappa magnas with yards and yards of red silk look ridiculous in this day and age.

    • I don’t think anyone does, Phung Chung. Worth explaining again? Or maybe not: the commentors just want to make silly jokes – and so does the EOTT skit!

  • Jim

    Cappa Magna sounds like something you order at the Vatican Starbucks.

    • wiffle

      I’ll have a cappa magna, no sugar, low fat with scone to go please.

  • Matthew Grote

    I am shrieking through my parish office as I read this. That’s what you’ve done.

  • Ever mindful

    Return the cloak to its owner by sunset so he can stay warm through the night and bless you, and the Lord your God will count you as righteous.
    Deuteronomy 24:13

  • ithakavi

    St. Martin could have divvied that up with five or six beggars.

  • Wildgraywolf

    So many side splitting, funny comments…

  • Mary Bethany

    Why bother having a cappa if it can’t be really magna. That’s what I always say.

  • Lucy Smith

    Very good!! Hilarious!