Outrage After Man Butchers Beloved Liturgy In Zimbabwe

August 3, 2015 by  
Filed under Mass

A priest arrested in the butchering of a beloved Mass in Zimbabwe was released Wednesday by an ecclesiastical court on $1,000 bail.

Fr. Theo Braxton, a professional Mass butcher since the 1960’s, said through his attorney that he was innocent of ruining a Mass in Zimbabwe, after he was asked to cover for a sick priest while vacation in the southern part of Africa. Church officials in Zimbabwe said Friday that killing the beloved Mass could bring a sentence of more than 10 decades in purgatory.

“My client is innocent of what is being accused,” Braxton’s attorney Roger Mahoney told the press this morning. “Fr. Braxton relied on the expertise of local Catholic priests to ensure a licit Mass.”

But many around the globe are contesting his argument, telling EOTT that Braxton was not innocent of butchering the Mass, and that he is known to kill the Mass for sport.

“Fr. Braxton lured the parishioners out of the pews and onto the sanctuary during a sentimental homily about coming together as one family,” a member of a conservative liturgical group in Zimbabwe said. “Fr. Braxton then asked them to remain there for the consecration, but went on to make up his own words of institution, a method for which he is known. But the Mass just barely survived another 20 minutes until the Fr. Braxton walked down the center aisle giving parishioners high-fives, killing the Mass as he did so.”

  • David W

    I didn’t realize it was a Cecil the Lion parody until I got to the end

  • averagejoe

    Best article ever! I am sure Fr. Braxton has covered a mass or two at my old parish, it’s about time he was brought to justice!

  • I am not Spartacus

    This is amusing. As for Cecil the lion, more Americans know the name of that lion than do the locals. What does that tell you about the strange sentimentality of the wealthy west?

    O, and a lion is an icon?

  • Let’s not be judgemental!

    Perhaps Father was trying unsuccessfully to incorporate the Zaire Use of the Roman Missal…?

    • Hotrod1962

      Okay, I gotta admit, I had to look up the Zaire Use. For a second, I thought it was a link to another EOTT article…….the servers (all male) carry spears and both the celebrants and servers dance around the alter.

      • ithakavi

        Are we sure this is real? Inculturation is one thing, but …

        • wiffle

          It’s on Wikipedia, so it has to be true.

          • ithakavi

            No doubt Wikipedia will be incorporated into the Canon at Vatican III.

      • Salted Slug

        Wow, I sure learn a lot on this site! After reading up on the Zaire Use, I was instantly relieved of my intense anxiety for the future of American Catholics. I’m happy to say everything makes sense to me now!

        Bless their hearts, the brave and pious souls promoting liturgical dancing, New Age practices, and “group” consecration during Mass are simply trying to inculturate our Lost Generation(s). What a brillant use of nondualism to convert the Church of Oprah into the Church Militant….not!!

  • samton909

    Bet he won’t have to go into hiding.

  • ithakavi

    I can think of no more enthusiastic defense counsel than Roger Mahoney. He has the 1962 Missal stuffed and mounted over his fireplace.

  • Maggie

    Sounds like one of the two “Fr. Ad-libs” that come to my parish from time to time…