Francis Hit With Tranquilizer Dart By Swiss Guard Seconds After Putting Down Scripted Statement To Speak Off-Cuff

September 22, 2015 by  
Filed under Vatican

Photo: AndrewHermez

Photo: AndrewHermez

 

Pope Francis was hit with a tranquilizer dart this afternoon just moments after putting down a scripted speech to speak off-the-cuff with reporters on his flight to the U.S., officials are reporting.

In a 80-minute briefing to the media, a lighthearted Pope Francis began to speak “very candidly,” when the head of the Pope’s security team, reportedly realizing the havoc the off-the-cuff remark might have on the rest of the U.S. trip, discreetly glanced at another member of the security team and nodded. That’s when, one witness reported, the Holy Father was struck in the neck with the dart and “went down like a ton of bricks.”

“Pope Francis had just seconds earlier mentioned the words ‘do not judge;’ that’s when it happened,” said a reporter on the papal flight. “He immediately stopped talking, felt the dart in his neck, and just dropped.”

Another witness reported seeing a number of officials quickly whisking the Pope’s limp body away to private section of the plane. The dart was removed shortly thereafter, and the groggy Pontiff awoke and found himself shackled to a post away from the media for the remainder of the trip.

  • Martha Hoffer

    WHAT?

    • AreAy

      I KNOW, CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS!?

  • drogah

    So good. So, so wonderfully good.

  • Maggie

    LOL!

  • steve5656546346

    It is really too bad that this is a satire site, and not straight news…

    • ithakavi

      Straight would make it weirder.

  • PJParks

    Pretty funny.

  • stefoodie

    hahahaha!!!!!

  • samton909

    Now, please take him to some secluded wild place far from Rome, give him the antidote, and let him struggle to his feet, stumble a few times, and then run off into the wilderness.

    • Hotrod1962

      They tried that with Benedict…damned if he didn’t find his way home.

  • Sr. Mary Brigid

    Too bad they dragged him away so quickly. Sister Simone Campbell would have gladly given him Last Rites…or at least let him experience her beloved Obamacare.

    • ithakavi

      I think the Swiss Guards are instructed to fend off any women religious wearing pants suits.

  • Jim

    Whoa! Doesn’t the blowgun tool on PhotoShop have a sizing function?

    • Linda McSweeney

      The Swiss guard only had a bear tranquillizer dart on him at the time.

  • Brannenio Parrishilissimo

    That photo reminds me of Fr. Dougal Maguire being told, “These are small; those are far away.”

  • Adam Hovey

    Why do I always get advertisements for the Book of Mormon on Catholic sites? Unrelated, but I want answers. And not from them.

    • Julia Robertson

      Because ever since Kissing Karol kissed the Koran, it’s now a “third classed relic” in the Newchurch.

      • Adam Hovey

        I’m getting the feeling you don’t know what a relic is.

        • Julia Robertson

          I know exactly what a relic is and their classifications are. I have several, verifying authenticity and even one of the True Cross.
          The unfortunate fact is that Newchurchers don’t know what a real pope is when they are worshipping false ones.

          • Hotrod1962

            I heard that if you put all of the relics of the true cross together……you could build yourself a nice little log cabin.

          • Julia Robertson

            There is more truth to your statement than satire. That’s the miraculous powers of the Holy Cross. It is said that when it was whittled down, it did not lose its integrity.

          • Jude

            And I heard that someone did the math and it turned out that if you put them all together, they would be about the right size for a cross upon which a man would have been crucified.

          • Douglas

            Not true.

        • Brie Pate

          Old joke:
          Q-Why did the Cedars of Lebanon disappear?
          A-Every Crusader has a piece of the True Cross.

    • ithakavi

      Because the Angel Moroni is cyber-savvy.

  • Timothy J. Williams

    All they needed to do was to explain to His Holiness that the airplane contributed to “global warming.” I am sure he would have elected to stay home.

  • Hotrod1962

    Tranquilizer dart training for the Swiss Guards began under the reign of Pope Pius X (in those years they had blowguns). Pius loved his wine and was known to mutter questionable comments when under the influence. Hence, the birth of the elite “Sleepy Time” corps of the Guards. Now, each new pope, upon election, is weighed, and a precise dosage of tranquilizer is formulated. Last summer, while visiting the Vatican, I watched their training. They can hit a pope in the neck in a Popemobile going 30 mph at 100 feet.

    • earl

      wait, is this true??? satire??? both???

      • Hotrod1962

        earl…of course it’s true, although very few people are aware of this. Thank goodness for this website to talk about the Church that you will find nowhere else.

  • Monk

    I presume Canon 335 concerning an impeded See applies, namely, “nothing is to be altered in the governance of the universal Church” in the meantime. How long-acting can the tranquilizer safely be made?

    • steve5656546346

      There are provisions in Canon Law for emergency conditions.

  • Julia Robertson

    Here ya go, Jorgie https://youtu.be/AF_nfazQaek

  • Olivia Sherill

    I think that particular gaurdsman’s confession would have gone something like this, “forgive me Your Hollyness, but I have seriously screwed up.”

  • Jude

    If only…

  • More Tea Vicar?

    Pity the dart wasn’t impregnated with a Truth serum …

  • More Tea Vicar?

    Looking closely at the photograph with Pope Francis and Father ‘spin-nurse’ Lombardi reminds me of an old British newspaper competition called ‘Spot The Ball’ …

    • eqshannon

      Would that be the nuclear orders and release?

  • part21

    hahhahaa photoshoped! gullible prots hahahahaha!

  • Sams_1

    shackled to a post? ah come on.