Brawl Erupts At Synod

October 8, 2015 by  
Filed under Vatican

Image: Wolfgang Stuck

Image: Wolfgang Stuck

A massive brawl broke out Thursday morning at the Synod during the 90-hour opening address by Hungarian Cardinal Péter Erdo, witnesses are reporting.

The brawl broke out just after Cardinal Erdo appeared to have concluded his four day opening address to the bishops before informing them that he would begin the second half of his address after a short restroom break.

Footage obtained by EOTT shows a tired and disgruntled Cardinal Walter Kasper screaming at Erdo to “shut up and get on with the communion divorce stuff” when Archbishop Charles Chaput picks up what looks to be a thurible, lights it on fire, swings it around a few times before finally launching at the head of the German Cardinal.

“It was amazing how quickly it all escalated,” one witness told EOTT. “Next thing you know, a German bishop comes in throwing copies of Laudato Si like ninja stars at people. Lot of people were hit. Blood everywhere.”

At one point, Pope Francis is seen trying to separate the Cardinals, but is eventually pushed out of the way by the rival groups.

The video also shows Cardinal Robert Sarah being helped up on a horse before being handed a shield and sword, and is then heard trying to motivate his side of cardinals during a 15-minute hiatus in the brawl.

“I am Cardinal Sarah,” Sarah is seen shouting to a large number of cardinals in front of him. “And I see a whole army of my fellow bishops, here in defiance of sin! You have come to fight as orthodox men. And orthodox men you are! What will you do without orthodoxy? Will you fight?”

One cardinal in the video is heard saying that they are outnumbered before shouting “No! We will run…and give communion to divorced couples!”

“Yes!” Sarah is heard shouting back. “Fight and you may die. Run and you will live and give communion to divorced and remarried couples at least awhile. And dying in your rectory many years from now, would you be willing to trade all the days from this day to that for one chance, just one chance, to come back here as aging and balding men and tell our enemies that they may take our lives, but they will never distort our doctrine! Oh, wait, they’re distorting our doctrine. Aren’t those German bishops a sneaky bunch. Everyone run.”

At press time, Benedict has shown up and is quoted as telling Sarah and the rest of the bishops, “Not so fast,” before hiking up his cassock to get up on his own horse.

  • Netmilsmom

    Oh I needed this. 🙂

  • WayfarinStranger

    A+
    (Save the Liturgy, Save the World)

    • Charles

      I am a poor…..
      You show up in the weirdest places.

      • WayfarinStranger

        I am, and I do.
        (Save the Liturgy, Save the World)

  • David K

    Ahhh, reminds me of the good old days. Where is a St Nicholas to deliver a punch in the nose to an Arius?

  • AJ Jackson

    In the year of Our Lord, 2015, patriots of Sarah charged the floors at the Vatican. They fought like Warrior Poets. They fought like Apostles. And won their Synod.

    • Mariae

      Hahahahah great! Brave bishops.

      • Maggie

        Surely there are some, somewhere?

  • drgibbons

    I had a vision of BXVI rising over a hill in the East like Gandalf at the battle of Helm’s Deep!

    • William Mastrangeli

      Red shoes glowing in the sun, his miter towering above his enemies, he charges forward, cross and sword in hand.

      • Maggie

        And a rosary around his neck shouting, ‘For Jesus and Mary and souls! Charge!

    • samton909

      Stop eating those mushrooms then.

    • Edward Radler Rice

      In sinning mortally does a baptized Catholic adore God? If christians do not always adore God as they ought, then when and in which contexts do Muslims adore God? When they plan on shooting people? When the blow themselves up? When they teach their children to hate Jews? Whey they read chapter 9 of the Quran? When do they adore God? I sure wish they would do more adoring and less of the other stuff, drgibbons. BTW, this memo was in relation to “the profound confusion” of Muslim adoration of God. Perhaps Muhammad asks himself, why didn’t I go further to educate faithful Muslims in adoring God!

  • Emmett McAuliffe

    Is this a joke? The Onion??

    • WayfarinStranger

      Good anaology, think of EotT as the Catholic Onion – it is all satire, (albeit sometimes a bit too close to the truth…)
      (Save the Liturgy, Save the World)

    • samton909

      no, it’s true! It’s true!

    • Nancy Janzen

      Catholic humor at its best.

  • Col. Dingus

    Religion has killed more people than cancer. Catholicism is just a collection of fools grasping for power in an ever changing world. Religion will be the end of us.

    • joshuajohnwagner

      So… I am guessing you don’t want to sign up for my parish bake sale? Mrs. Cabbott makes a delicious cinnamon bun!

      • Fr. D

        Cinnamon buns have killed more people than the Church and atheists combined. ( I know because my father was killed in a cinnamon bun accident in West Virginia).

        • joshuajohnwagner

          You anti-cinnamites have a lot of nerve coming here and preaching your gospel of hate. Even though the bible makes clear statements as to this issue, I am going to let my conscience decide whether or not people can have cinnamon buns. Because my conscience is morally superior to the scripture and the church.

          Wait… what was I talking about again? Right… Cinnamon Buns…

          • Diffal

            Don’t worry, your conscience is inviolable, if you decide that people can have cinnamon buns then that’s fine. You can do pretty much anything you like too as long as your conscience says you can. Yipee!

          • joshuajohnwagner

            Good… I’m sure that this is what Jesus meant by “go and cinnamon” no more. Loosely translated, “do whatever the hell you want, I’m fine with it as long as you’re fine with it.” Again, loose translation from the Koine.

        • J. E. Sigler

          Are you bashing West Virginia? Don’t you dare.

    • Jude

      Don’t worry, atheists have killed even more. But you really impress me with your tolerance. I sure hope you have one of those bumper stickers. That way everyone can tell that you’re not a bigot or anything.

      • notoRHLaw

        haha spot on Jude!

    • Christine Chase Sacchi

      Someone named Colonel Dingus would never troll us. I’m sure of it.

    • notoRHLaw

      Oh?? No Col Dingus. Abortion has killed more people than cancer and religion combined.

    • Coach r

      Stalin…Mao…Pol Pot…and Hitler (yes, he was an atheist too)…so you were saying…?

    • samton909

      No, morons named Dingus have killed more people than cancer.

    • John

      Atheist Trolls on this site don’t realize that 75% of people on this site are at least part-time Catholic Trolls. The atheist troll then get’s tolled like there is no tomorrow, almost never comes back and the Catholics all get a good laugh.

    • Nancy Janzen

      First gift of “enlightened ” atheists to mankind was the guillotine. The second was the reign of terror so they could try it out.

    • Maggie

      Speak for yourself.

  • Jim

    You’ve never seen a brawl until you’ve seen a couple o’ hundred guys in cassocks have a brawl.

    • Kevin Spencer

      A hundred guys dressed like Neo. That’ll be cool. 🙂

    • Hotrod1962

      You can hide a lot of weapons under those cassocks. From what has been reported,Cardinal Kasper snuck in a baseball bat, while Cardinal Erdo carried in a mace. Most disturbing was Cardinal Pell who brought in a chainsaw. Fortunately for all, it was an electric one and Cardinal failed to sneak in a long enough extension cord. It could of gotten real ugly.

  • john denis jackson

    Funny !

  • Adam Hovey

    Okay, this made me laugh so hard. Ultra Conservative faction and the Ultra liberal faction, and Pope Francis in the middle. Pope Benny comes into save the day (which is fine). I think, not so much that this will happen, but this is how “serious” news will report it.

  • Monk

    This is the great advantage of being physically present at meetings. Those bishops participating via GoToSynod.com must feel grossly ineffectual right now.

    • TheVeiledThreat

      Wishing they could bilocate, that’s for sure.

      Then we’d really be in trouble…

  • Diffal

    Was that the version released in the daily press briefing?Because we all know how reliable they are of course!

  • Casper

    “With it or on it, Cardinal Sarah!”

  • StillCat

    Yay Cardinal Sarah! Always forward , never back!

  • Elizabeth

    LOVE IT….so hysterical…!!!

  • Sonia Vadnjal

    |Hahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!

  • Skyler von Enn

    Cardinal Sarah is much more badass than that.

  • Kim Bo

    Not so sure Benedict would get on a horse too. In his younger more progressive days he wrote an article favoring Communion for divorced remarrieds. I would like to hope he had a “come to Jesus” moment before or during his pontificate. He was certainly the most orthodox of all church of Vatican 2 popes.

    • Diffal

      Ratzinger(as he was then) wrote an essay speculating on the idea of ‘remarried’ divorcees who had not received a decree of nullity for their first union in 1972 receiving Holy Communion. He retracted his position later as the Magisterium spoke definitively on the matter in JPII’s Familiaris Consortio. He rewrote that essay for the definitive version of his life’s work which was published last year.

      In 1994 as head of the CDF he reiterated explicitly that the aforementioned ‘remarried’ divorcees could not receive Holy Communion, and again in 2005 while gloriously reigning as Pope Benedict (no quotation marks needed here, just for ‘remarried’) in Sacramentum Caritatis he spoke of the same thing.

      HE WAS ON THAT HORSE!!!

  • Wildgraywolf

    Somehow I was expecting St. Nicholas to have been involved…

  • More Tea Vicar?

    Cardinal Kasper: I’ll get ya by the hermeneutics, you goulash-eating – POW!
    Cardinal Erdo: Say Auf Wiedersehn to your teeth, you conniving Kraut! KRAAKK! BBOOIINNG! KRRUNCH!
    Cardinal Dolan: I won’t hit the mat for anything!
    Cardinal Pell: Here’s the mat. Say G’day!
    KKRRRUMP! SMASH!
    Cardinal Marx (singing): I’ll see what ze boys in ze backroom will have …