Leaked Documents Reveal Vatican Officials Blew Entire Peter’s Pence On Beanie Babies

November 5, 2015 by  
Filed under Vatican

Image: WolfgangStuck

Image: WolfgangStuck


The Vatican’s leaks scandal intensified Tuesday after a book detailing the millions of euros Vatican officials used to purchase Beanie Babies and in-app Clash of Clans upgrades was published.

Although “Merchants in the Temple,” by journalist Roberto Nuzzi is due out Thursday, EOTT was able to obtain an advance copy. Its publication comes just days after the Vatican announced the arrests of two high-ranking officials who reportedly spent close to € 157,000 on pogs.

The arrests of the Vatican officials marks a new chapter in what many are calling “Vatileaks,” which began in 2012 and peaked with the conviction of Pope Benedict XVI’s butler on charges he spent upwards of 3.7 million euros on Super Soakers, Tickle Me Elmos, and Slap Bracelets.

After Benedict retired, Francis was elected with a mandate from his fellow cardinals to reform the Vatican bureaucracy and clean up its finances. He set out to create a commission of experts to gather information from all Vatican offices to see where the money was going.

“Holy Father…there is a complete absence of transparency in the bookkeeping both of the Holy See and the Governorate,” five auditors wrote Francis in 2013, according to Nuzzi’s book. “Costs are out of control and it is quite difficult to meet with anyone, due to the fact that many in the Vatican are often too busy playing Candy Crush.”

It goes on to mention that Vatican officials had spent all of 2014’s Peter’s Pence money in just over two months on Clash of Clans gem upgrades.

“Every day I walk the streets of Rome and see the homeless and other citizens of this city,” one anonymous Vatican official told EOTT. “Not on purpose…I mean I’m not trying to see them. I’d rather not see them, but since the homeless and other Romans are there walking, I am often forced to look up so I do not trip, but when I look up, I begin to lose in Clash of Clans. When I lose, I need to spend more money on the app. Since it is typically the fault of a drunk homeless man bumping into me on my way to work, then it should be the homeless man that pays for the in-app purchase. But they have no money, so I simply take it from Peter’s Pence. And like that, we are even. It all makes sense now?”

  • ithakavi

    Thank the Lord the money didn’t go to Rentboy or Ashley Madison!!

  • David

    In other news, the Vatican has also just announced that Pope Benedict XVI’s butler has also been arrested by the Vatican for violating the ‘Spirit of Laudato Si”, by promoting global warming through purchasing plastic super soakers, breaching “Rerum Novarum”, by financing the asian sweatshops that produce the Tickle Me Elmos, and for a lack of common sense for foolishly procuring slap bracelets.

    He has been offered a job by the SSPV, who have praised his courageous opposition to both common sense and to the heretical encyclicals written by the unworthy and invalidly elected successors to His Holiness Pope Pius V.

  • I’d rather see them blow my tithe on toys and games instead of funding the leftist Catholic Campaign for Human Development.

  • David Poecking

    It’s getting so hard for EotT to write satire–the stories too frequently become the actual news.

  • Jim

    Is it true that they tried to disguise the Beanie Babies line-item as “Zuchettos Bambini”—souvenir hats for children visiting St. Peter Square?

    • ithakavi

      A rumor spread by the Benedictines to smear the Jesuits.

    • Hotrod1962

      Back in the ’90s when Beanie Babies were hot and were seen as a lucrative investment, Fr. Vinny literally bought thousands with the anticipation of cashing in and maybe getting that new parish center. Well, the babies tanked, and now Fr. places them in the pews to give the impression that people actually show up to the 8:00 mass.

  • Sr. Mary Brigid

    This is actually reassuring. I thought the Vatican had transferred all of its assets into Bitcoin.

    • wiffle

      Only some of the assets ended up there. Besides Beanie Babies, Super Soakers, and slap bracelets, there was that line of commemorative Papal plates, with certificates of authenticity and tasteful display mounts.

      • Jim

        Too bad about the shady pedigree of those plates; the EWTN Religious Catalogue could have moved a boatload of them!

    • samton909

      Bitcoin, Beanie babies, same thing.

  • samton909

    Officials were particularly surprised by finding a $20,000 bill from Victoria’s Secret. All deliveries were made to the apartment of a “Monsignor Charamsa”.

  • MonsignorBrokhage

    The original intention was to provide each beanie baby with a full set of ecclesiastical garb of increasing dignity. However, funds were depleted early. An appeal will go out under “Adopt a pagan beanie baby.” You will receive a picture suitable for framing.

  • 3Dunedain90

    Where there is great wealth and a lack of accountability and over sight, the temptations to indulge and feel entitled to things are easily justified in any institution of man. Power can corrupt insidiously.