Local Parents Paying $10,000 A Year In Catholic Tuition To Have Son Learn The Fundamentals Of Other Religions

November 19, 2015 by  
Filed under Libs & Trads

Facing financial ruin due to the high cost of trying to provide their son with a good Catholic education, sources confirmed Thursday that parents of high school freshman Johnny Irving, Tom and Lisa, are quite impressed with their son’s growing knowledge of every tenet of every religion, but Catholicism.

According to the freshman’s parents, Irving has gained an immense amount of knowledge about the Koran, The Analects of Confucius, and the Book of Mormon in his class Fundamentals of Catholic Doctrine 101.

“It’s breathtaking the amount of non-Catholic knowledge he’s learning in his Catholic Doctrine class,” Lisa Irving told EOTT. “We’re about a paycheck or two away from filing for bankruptcy just so Johnny can learn about everything but Catholicism at a Catholic school, but it’s so worth it. He always comes home telling us interesting things about Catholic teaching like how according to the Church the most important doctrine is coexistence. And how the Church teaches that it’s pointless to evangelize since a person’s own consciousness, being infused by a higher spirit, stirs within him or her at birth and sanctifies every belief, whim, or desire that person has. I didn’t know that. Probably because I went to Catholic school when classrooms had crucifixes and whatnot in them.”

Lisa went on to say that, though her son still has never heard of the Nicene Creed, that he had memorized several verses from the Koran that incidentally mention Jesus, and that through Buddhist teachings, he has come to learn about Christ the bodhisattva.

“Listen, some people might think $40,000 for a four-year high school education seems absurd, ” Lisa Irving went on to say. “But tell that to me when my son graduates summa cum laude, which of course he will graduate with since every student in that fine scholastic institution graduates with that honor.”

At press time, Johnny is studying for his midterms in one of the school’s mandatory classes, Advanced Being Nice.

  • Benedict Radich

    Oh how I wish this was satire…

    • Diego Serrano

      Is it?!

  • wlinden

    He is learning the fundamentals of Protestantism? Because most Protestants don’t.

  • samton909

    I say, if Archbishop Cupich doesn’t know Catholic doctrine, then why should we expect Catholic school students to know Catholic doctrine?

  • Mark_Trail

    How nice. That’s nice. Be nice. If you can’t be nice, don’t be anything at all.

  • Fr. John Higgins

    I think this is the first time I have seen an article on “Eye of the Tiber” that wasn’t Satire.

    • Molly22

      Seriously. At our parish the CYM brings in a Muslim scholar for a five part series on each of the five pillars of Islam.

    • Linda Harkins

      and they dance their little dances praising THEIR GOD right on our HOLY alter, Holy??????????? look out for incoming lightning bolts.

  • disqus_KXqeZMikzj

    This poor mom–sounds like this is her just bein sarcastic! Why not pull him out ofthis school??????

    • Molly22

      This is a satire website, a Catholic version of Onion.

  • Joseph Tassone

    10k is a discount

    • JR

      It’s good prep for the 40k per annum at a catholic college which will remove any remaining vestiges of orthodoxy

      • Shannon Marie Federoff

        Hey, hey… there are a FEW solid Catholic colleges left! You know who they are! 🙂

  • Ginnyfree

    Notice the word NICE in the Nice-ne Creed. See they had it right – nice comes first before all the creedy stuff.

  • Casper

    At my daughter’s high school, in religion class they do homework assignments like ” write the annunciation story as if Mary were using Twitter (140 characters or less)”. At least it’s Christian content!

    • Hotrod1962

      Or…..what if Jesus had a Facebook account? What kind of stuff would he post?……or, would the Father and the Holy Spirit have their own accounts?…or would they both share with Jesus’s account?
      The Trinity can get so confusing sometimes.

      • Casper

        Don’t give them ideas!! : )
        Those are very deep mysteries, whether or not they would have their own FB accounts – – gets to the heart of the Trinity!
        Plus, pretty sure that Jesus would post the same stuff that Francis would, I think…

      • Jim

        I’m pretty sure the Holy Spirit’s account would proceed from the Father/Son account.

        • Monk

          Gives new meaning to John 15:15 (I have called you friends.)

          • Hotrod1962

            Thank explains Judas unfriending Jesus…….or was it the other way around?

          • Jim

            I think you got it the first time.

          • Michael Kocian

            Jesus never “unfriended” Judas, but prayed for him that he would come around to follow faithfully. Judas “unfriended” Jesus over the Eucharist, just as many other previous followers did.

      • Thomas Sharpe

        Each Person might have Their own account, but each Person would be Present whenever One Person was logged on no matter which account and nothing would be posted unless it were the Will of Each as One.

        (couldn’t resist. 🙂

  • Deb Bunno

    It’s not true.

  • Ed of Ct.

    Sad to say many of the colleges run by alleged Jesuits and Holy Cross clergy such as ND and St. Mary’s in Indiana are run by the same Holy fool church of nice boobs in charge of this alleged high school. You would likely learn more of the Catholic faith Home schooling or at a Lutheran school. SHAME on the fools running this particular alleged Catholic high school. No wonder one half of Catholic youth who receive Confirmation NEVER see the inside of a Catholic parish again sad to say.

    • Erdos

      Um, either an excellent troll or you truly don’t realize this site is nothing but satire.

      • Ed of Ct.

        Looking at our alleged Catholic colleges Fordham and Nd and St. Mary’s of South Bend this is not s
        ad to say too far from re

  • Chuck


  • ithakavi

    I understand that the course on the ‘Tao of Spock’ is quite enlightening.

  • Thomas Sharpe

    High School would have been $10K x 4children x 4years = $160K before college, not including books, IPADs, fees and uniforms. Income too high for aid, too low to afford. (Too many children? “children are like flowers” how can that be.)

    Faithful, I used to be very angry about my children not being able to attend catholic high school, that time has passed. Now I am beginning to feel like we dodged a bullet.

    • wiffle

      I’ll tell you a related story. 🙂 Our across the way neighbors are cradle Catholics, now completely lapsed. Both attended different Catholic has high schools in late 80’s/early 90’s in New Jersey. Both hated it’s rigid, and argueably over the top authoritarian environment. I have not quizzed them on why exactly why they left as it’s none of my business, but both of their high school experiences bubble up regularly in conversation.

      My thought from that experience is that if the goal is lifelong Catholics, the kids have to absolutely love the Catholic school experience. (An enjoyable school experience has nothing to do with teaching non-Catholic content/doctrine. ) If a good experience can’t happen, it’s best that their academic experience be separate from the Church. Let them at least have Church be different from a crappy school experience, if nothing else.

      • Thomas Sharpe

        Agreed. Thank you..

  • Henry Craft

    But this is not satire.

    I have friends with a large family. The husband worked two demanding job so as to support the family, including sending the children to “Catholic” schools.

    I’m privileged to be godfather to one of their children. When he was in middle high school, his mom sadly said to me that he had learnt more about Buddhism that semester than he had about the Catholic faith.

    Now he’s graduated from college and doesn’t believe the Faith. His mom says their mistake was assuming the school would teach the Catholic religion.

  • Nonsensical

    This one hurts

  • Michael Leggett

    Must be a Jesuit School.