Pope Infallibly Declares Nutella Overrated

December 2, 2015 by  
Filed under Parish Life

Image: A.Kniesel

Image: A.Kniesel

In a stunning declaration this morning, Pope Francis shocked many Vatican observers when he declared that Nutella, the popular hazelnut chocolate spread, as “completely overrated.”

“I declare,” said the Pope from his seat at St. John Lateran, “that through my office as shepherd and teacher of all Christians, and by virtue of my supreme apostolic authority, I hereby declare that Nutella shall henceforth be known as just kind of good, and not, as popular opinion would have it, the greatest thing since sliced Eucharistic host. Hereafter, if anyone, which God forbid, should dare willfully to deny or to call into doubt that which We have defined, that Nutella is wholly overrated, let him know that he has fallen away completely from the divine and Catholic Faith.”

Francis went on to say that, although the declaration would be binding on all the Catholic faithful, it was not meant to “hinder” the faithful from eating Nutella, but was simply meant to hinder them from pondering how they ever lived their lives before Nutella.

While many are already speaking  out against the Pope’s decision to call  Nutella overrated, saying that not only is the spread “to die for,” but that the declaration neither concerns morals or doctrine, others staunch supporters of Francis are coming to his defense.

“I believe that, as successor to St. Peter, and more importantly, as a man who has taste buds, Pope Francis was right in infallibly defining it as overrated,” Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI told EOTT in an exclusive interview. “Nutella is alright, I admit. But it is not awesome, and I fully support the Pope’s decision.”

  • Hotrod1962

    Today Nutella…….tomorrow Cool Whip. This was the sign of the end times as per Revelation.

    • Steven Bremer

      The Pope is down with the Whip. The Nae Nae on the other hand is not approved for Catholics. #popebars

    • samton909

      Our Lady of Akita was very firm in her position that Cool Whip was the beginning of the end. “My child, soft fluffy plastic tasting white foam, is not whipped cream and it will never be. Fall on your knees, pray, pray, pray that it will go away.”

      • Hotrod1962

        If you assign numbers to the letters that make up Cool Whip, divide by 3, multiply by the number of angels on the head of a pin, and take the square root of this…..you get 666……..enough said.

    • ithakavi

      I thought the Fashionistas of Opus Dei used Cool Whip for self mortification? Was I mistaken?

      • Hotrod1962

        Yes, you are so right. For those a little too squeamish about wearing undergarments made of barbed wire, Cool Whip can be forced fed via a pump device invented in 1971 by Fr. Ed Frobush in Pittsburg, PA.

      • samton909

        It’s how albino monks get that white look. It’s a desert topping AND a body makeup.

  • John Kloess

    As a Nutella hater, this news comes with no small measure of relief to us who believe the hated spread was only allowed by Indult under Pope Coca V.

  • there is an actual petition online for the canonization of the inventor of nutella, Sadly, less that 50 people have sighed it so far. This infallible statement may be the final nail in the coffin of his cause.

    : https://www.change.org/p/pope-francis-beatification-of-nutella-creator-michele-ferrero?just_created=true

  • Matt Kososki

    Good start. Now let’s shut down all talk of this co-Redemptrix business!

  • Andy

    “But, it is still recommended for Fridays during Lent.”

  • So say we all!

  • Chloe

    I knew he was the anti pope! Of course Nutella isn’t overrated. That’s it! I’m now a sedevacantist!

    • NDaniels

      You can now rest, assured that the essence of Nutella, is not the essence of which a Catholic must believe with Divine and Catholic Faith.

      • JR

        My pastor told me that in spite of Church teaching I am free to follow my appetite, err, I mean conscience, when it comes to Nutella. I think the pope should just stay out of my kitchen! Really, I’m a modern educated catholic! I can decide for myself what items I prefer from the “cafeteria” of Catholic doctrine, err, I mean foods!

        • NDaniels

          Your pastor is mistaken. A Catholic cannot, in Good conscience, spite Church teaching; a Catholic conscience must be in communion with Christ and His One, Holy, Catholic, and Apostolic Church. You can rest, assured, that for Catholics, whether or not Nutella is overrated, is, in essence, merely a matter of opinion.

          • JR

            Excuse me but my pastor is a highly educated ordained man. And he’s very nice as well! He told me that most catholics aren’t even aware that the pope, much less the Church even has a teaching concerning Nutella. Furthermore, surveys show that most catholics will ignore the pope even if they are aware of his teaching. Therefore I am free to choose any spread that I choose, and eat it when, where and with whom I want and form my own opinion concerning it without Church interference!

          • NDaniels

            JR, one can know through both Faith and reason, that the issue is not Nutella.

          • JR

            Sure, first it’s Nutella. Next it’ll be peanut butter or, heaven forbid, marshmallow fluff! I believe you are mistaken. I made no reference to The Holy Eucharist. And I was unaware that this is a satire, but I stand by my principles nonetheless!

  • Adam Heese

    I fear that I am possessed by the devil himself. The only thing this article inspired me to to do was get up and make a Nutella sandwich.

  • Jim

    I’m pretty sure this is intended to apply to all chocolate products, given public zeal for them. Watch for a new encyclical, “Who am I to fudge?”

    • Casper

      “Who am I to fudge…the truths of the Faith…”

  • Adam Hovey

    Papa Francesco is correct. Nutella and Nutella like spreads are actually very popular in Europe and the Pope may not have known that when he got to Italy as he is from South America. I can’t bring myself to eat it it just I am pretty adventurous food wise other than being a vegetarian although I used to eat a lot of weird things, but Nutella does not look appealing to me at all and the fact people put it on bread looks even worst. But you know Rome has spoken the matter is closed.

  • Timotheos

    In related news, all of the Catholic women on Pinterest have now officially become sedevacantists due to this recent definition of faith by the Pope.

  • samton909

    Now if he would only make a similar pronouncement about Twitter.

  • I am not Spartacus

    Oncet, There was a time when Popes were men and gave their stamp of approval to manly pursuits – drinking wine- rather than picking on female pursuits like eating Nutella

  • Lawrence Lam

    Will this be much of a setback to the proponents for the beatification of the inventor of Nutella? Doubtful.

  • Casper

    Can he do this during the Year of Mercy? This just doesn’t seem right…

    • Monk

      Considering how our Lord cursed the fig tree, I’d say His Holiness exhibited great restraint.

      • Casper

        What if Nutella goes through a Door of Mercy, though? That’s what the Doors of Mercy are for, right?

  • ithakavi

    And let it be a-nut-thema.

  • Norman

    If one had been reading scripture scrupulously, they’d know that the Truth had always been there the whole time.

  • Wildgraywolf

    Oh, good, so we can sill eat it then. The Holy Father needs to focus his attention on vegetables. If Brussels sprouts aren’t diabolical and inherently evil I don’t know what is.

    • Monk

      Roasted Brussels sprouts are quite tasty, actually.

      If the Supreme Sacred Congregation of the Roman and Universal Inquisition would just apply its instruments to vegetables, there could be a Renaissance of vegetable appreciation. Francis could host The Vatican Vegan.

      • Wildgraywolf

        You mean like roasting them to little balls of carbon? Well, that would go a long way in making them palatable. :p

    • We had roasted Brussels sprouts for dinner last night. They were in a sauce made with bacon, shallots, shitake mushrooms, garlic, coconut milk, and sherry. They were amazing. The only negative is that there weren’t more. Of course, if you were here and declined your serving, I’d do you a solid and eat them for you.

      • Wildgraywolf

        Well, that just proves my point. They can’t be good if you have to use all of those ingredients to make them palatable. I’m sticking with creamed beats.

  • ithakavi

    Next he will ban the chewing of gum during the Tri-Dentyne Mass.

  • Woman In White

    QUAERITUR : If a Faithful Catholic were to believe and declare that Nutella is only partially overrated, and that particular local Bishops Conferences might enjoy the faculty to permit the spreading of this chocolate and hazelnut cream paste upon the breakfast slices and the hot pancakes of the Faithful, for pastoral reasons, would such a person incur the Penalty of disinvitation from the Papal dinery ?

    • BCSWowbagger

      RESPONSUM: In the negative.

      (However, we understand and expect that the German bishops will just do it anyway.)

  • At the same time, the Evangelicals let you have all you want at their outings. This is why we’re losing the youth!

  • MaryB435

    Does this mean we can look forward to an infallible declaration about SPAM?

  • Marty Maxwell

    Let him who denies the supremacy of nutella and fererro rocher be anathama.