Pope Infallibly Declares Nutella Overrated
In a stunning declaration this morning, Pope Francis shocked many Vatican observers when he declared that Nutella, the popular hazelnut chocolate spread, as “completely overrated.”
“I declare,” said the Pope from his seat at St. John Lateran, “that through my office as shepherd and teacher of all Christians, and by virtue of my supreme apostolic authority, I hereby declare that Nutella shall henceforth be known as just kind of good, and not, as popular opinion would have it, the greatest thing since sliced Eucharistic host. Hereafter, if anyone, which God forbid, should dare willfully to deny or to call into doubt that which We have defined, that Nutella is wholly overrated, let him know that he has fallen away completely from the divine and Catholic Faith.”
Francis went on to say that, although the declaration would be binding on all the Catholic faithful, it was not meant to “hinder” the faithful from eating Nutella, but was simply meant to hinder them from pondering how they ever lived their lives before Nutella.
While many are already speaking out against the Pope’s decision to call Nutella overrated, saying that not only is the spread “to die for,” but that the declaration neither concerns morals or doctrine, others staunch supporters of Francis are coming to his defense.
“I believe that, as successor to St. Peter, and more importantly, as a man who has taste buds, Pope Francis was right in infallibly defining it as overrated,” Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI told EOTT in an exclusive interview. “Nutella is alright, I admit. But it is not awesome, and I fully support the Pope’s decision.”