Vatican To Project Microsoft Bubbles Screensaver Onto St. Peter’s Whenever Basilica Not In Use

December 10, 2015 by  
Filed under Vatican

An illuminated projection of the Microsoft Office Bubbles theme onto the facade of St. Peter’s on Tuesday evening drew large crowds as the new basilica screen saver appeared, notifying the faithful that the basilica had not been in use for 10 minutes.

The decision to use the new screensaver was made by Senior Vatican Security official Claudio Aquila who said that it was the Vatican’s duty to protect St. Peter’s from terrorists attempting to infiltrate the basilica.

“We can no longer trust that simple security measure such as more guards will keep the basilica safe,” Aquila told EOTT this morning. “Now, even if a terrorist somehow gets through security, they will not be able to enter the church without first entering a password.”

Critics say that the new measures are bothersome, especially since security officials are mandating that all employees of the Vatican change their password every first Friday of the month.

“Just this morning I left work for just fifteen to get an espresso, and when I got back, it was locked,” said one opponent of the new screensaver. “I had forgotten the password, so I was forced to sit there for ten minutes guessing it. In the end, I had to call technical support to help me reset my personal passcode. I changed it to Screw_the///environment79. Please don’t publish that.”

At press time, Vatican officials are toying with changing the bubbles screensaver with that cool one with the bungalow on the water somewhere in Bali where you wish you were, but can’t because your job pays you crap.

  • “Espresso” not “expresso.”

  • Andy

    This. Is. Awesome.
    EOTT Top 10 for sure!

    • Thibaud313

      And seriously, whenever Francis does one of those idiotic moves, Rorate Caeli gripes and moans. It depresses us and makes us sad to be Catholic. Eye of the Tiber simply mocks it, depriving it of all of its harmfulness and making us glad to be Catholic.

      I like the Eye of the Tiber way better.

      • Adam Hovey

        When you make an idiotic move you post it on a satirical website and act like you are serious unless you are serious then I feel very sorry for you

        • Thibaud313

          I’m not 100% sure what you mean, but to answer what I think is your question, I actually am serious this time.

          Francis is the Vicar of Christ, not the God-Emperor and Commander in Chief of the Catholic Church. We owe him obedience and respect, not blind sycophantic approval.

          The light-and-sound Cirque du Soleil/Seaworld Special on Saint-Peter’s Basilica was duuuumb. To this fact, you can either react like Rorate Caeli did (The Church is ruined FOREVER ! Join the Saint Pius 2.5 Society !) or you can make fun of it and move on (the Church survived Alexander VI, she will survive the Saint-Peter’s Seaworld Special).

          • Paulinevictoria.

            Join the Saint Pius 2.5 Society. Ooh, ooh – where? Sounds just my kind of thing.

          • Aurelius Moner

            The fact, is that Francis has by now expressed many heretical ideas (the recent statement on salvation for the Jews being just the latest). The Doctors of the Church, including St. Robert Bellarmine, and even the Relator at Vatican I and Bd. Pius IX himself, made it clear that we should not follow a man who used the pontificate illegitimately to teach error.
            In fact, people who think Francis represents legitimate Catholic identity are the ones who imply the Church is ruined forever; the people who face the sad fact that this man is a public heretic may not be as much fun at dinner parties, but at least they believe that the Church is what She is. It is the Church that teaches us to avoid heretics, even ant-popes. Those that love the Church, love this teaching more than they fear being thought crazy or depressing.

          • Mr. Graves

            Francis as ant-Pope. Love the mental image! Best typo ever.

          • Aurelius Moner

            Yes, it is! Too funny even to correct.
            [In the style of a trailer for a 1960’s B-movie] By night they enact grotesque rites in their underground lairs, scheming up ways to inculcate condemned heresies into “official” documents by speaking out of both sides of their mouth. By day, they… do the same thing, in shabbier vestments. Beware – the insectoid prelates of the age of aquarius!

      • Aurelius Moner

        Mockery does not deprive something of its harmfulness; it simply releases your tension about the harm.

        So, what you mean to say, is: Francis is hostile to Catholic piety, and he saddens you by robbing you of a sense of security in your Catholic identity. Rorate Caeli presents the thing as it really is, which is objectively depressing, and is not the fault of Rorate Caeli. Eye of the Tiber makes a joke, you have a laugh, and forget about the bad feelings. Your observation could easily be summed up in the cliché: “The truth hurts.”

        • TedCoates

          And your verbal diarrhea could easily be summed up as “the truth is absent.”

          • Aurelius Moner

            You cut me to the quick.

        • JohnnyVoxx

          I admire your precision.

          • Aurelius Moner

            Qui bene distinguit, bene docet.

  • Andy

    They should use the scrolling text screensaver, and make it the text of Laudato Si. In wingdings.

    • Dan Carollo

      Even worse — in Comic Sans font!

    • ithakavi

      Um, I though that was how it appeared in Francis’ original text.

  • Andy

    After three wrong guesses on the password, you have call Tech Support. The voice recognition menu makes you say 10 Hail Mary’s before connecting you to a real person.

    • marylamb72

      🙂 LOL

  • Dan

    I liked the movie version of Laudato Si much better than the book!

    • Marie Van Gompel Alsbergas

      Can we expect the sequel to be better than the first?

    • samton909

      Brad Pitt as “the immense pile of filth” was particularly good.

  • GregoryDiPippo

    You win the internet today!

  • Ad Orientem

    I had forgotten how to laugh for a while! This is great.

  • Well, this is so much better than the Vatican using its facade to heretically proclaim the beauty of God’s creation.

    http://www.patheos.com/blogs/cosmostheinlost/2015/12/10/3-ways-vaticans-zootv-exposes-modern-theologys-weaknesses/

    At least Bill Gates’s wife is Catholic.

    • Stephen_Phelan

      And this comment is better still! So subtle and clever.

      Bravo.

    • kamiller42

      The display was no more a celebration of God’s creations than the devil quoting Scripture is trying to make you holy. It was a “climate change” event with no acknowledgement of God, Jesus or His Church. It was a projection of the natural world to push a political agenda on a building reserved for the celebration of the supernatural.

      Want to celebrate God’s creations, the trees and animals? Go hiking or to the zoo. See the real thing. Let’s save the basilica for the worship of the realest of the real. He’s there in the Eucharist, i.e. not an image.

    • Catriona M Mac Kirnan

      So is Bill Gates, believe it or not. Nothing said about what kind of Catholics they are.

  • Woman In White

    I blame Cardinals Microsoft Bob and Clippy for this Modernist software upgrade.

    They’re leading the whole Church towards a universal BSOD, where nobody at all will be able to enter, and no works will be saved.

    • “It looks like you are trying to make a joke. Would you like some help?” 😉

  • Jim

    Shows you what I know…I thought they were doing a tribute to Lawrence Welk.

    • Famijoly

      Wunnerful, wunnerful!

    • VeilOfTiers

      Perhaps you are a Mac user then…

      • Jim

        Actually…

    • Mr. Graves

      With the Lennon sisters dancing highlights from the Liturgical Waltz series?

      • Jim

        And a-Bobby and a-Cissy, too!

  • Kim Bo

    They should just leave the one image of the light show that depicts
    the Vatican on fire with camels in front. Bet Isis loved that one.

    Or the image of the chimp shaking a Marxist fist.

    Or the Muslim ladies in burkas.

    All much more fitting than Lawrence Welk bubbles.

  • Matt Swaim

    Way better than the original idea, which was to project iTunes visualizer on the façade while playing “Wake Up” by Pope Francis on all the speakers in the square.

  • marylamb72

    Love all the variations in the comments. Good humor! LOL

  • JR

    Can we get the audio of Don Ho singing “Tiny Bubbles”?

  • samton909

    I wish they would project Nutella instead.

  • Hotrod1962

    Get rid of that pesky, confusing white smoke next time the next pope is elected….just project a cloud screensaver on St. Petes.

  • Catriona M Mac Kirnan

    St. Peter’s belongs to us, the Church. It is a place of worship where the Eucharist is offered. Why should it, now or any other time, have bubbles from Microsoft on it???

    • Hotrod1962

      Can’t agree with you more, Catriona. Projecting bubbles on St Peter’s is a sacrilege. I think projecting frolicking little puppies is so much better. Everyone loves frolicking, cute puppies, right? I do draw the line on frolicking little kittens, since Pope Francis has already declared that they are going to hell.

  • ithakavi

    And now they demand answers to three additional ‘security questions’ to gain access through the Holy Door for the Jubilee Year of Mercy.

    But at least they’ve stopped projecting all those annoying kitten videos on the Basilica facade after the Sunday Angelus.

    • Mr. Graves

      Additional security question protocol:

      1) What is your name?
      2) What is your quest?
      3) What is the air speed of an unladen swallow?

  • Wildgraywolf

    I’d like to see the Vatican use the gold fish screen saver during lent.

  • More Tea Vicar?

    I’m waiting for the kitties surfing on their litter trays on a huge wave…